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AHAHAHAHA LMFAO I highly doubt a couple of these but a couple cracked me up.

http://www.cosmo.ph/sex-relationships/dating-tips/11-things-guys-secretly-do-with-their-penises

You worry me Sacha. I thought that you were a prim and proper lady.

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2ad82c097b3de6daeaa0203f68d87a04.jpg

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Well mouthwash after is just proper head-iquette... guy or gal.
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Nearly shagged a Ladyboy last night.

Picked him up in a night club. He Looked like a woman. Smelled like a woman. Danced like a woman.

Even kissed like a woman, but as we arrived back at his apartment he reversed his car into a tight parking slot in one fluid movement!

That's when I thought -Hang on just a minute!

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I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm bless him.

I shouted - Where you off to Charlie?

He said, I'm off to change a light bulb.

Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing, then said,

- That's gonna be a bit awkward init?

- Not really. he said. I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard.

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I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles.

My next crap could spell disaster.

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The wife's back on the warpath again.She was up for making a home video last night and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

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Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control in Athens airport. "Nationality?" asks the immigration officer. "German," she replies. "Occupation? "No, just here for a few days."

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As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking Officer’s funeral, a voice from inside screams :"I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"The Vicar smiles, leans forward, sucking air through his teeth and mutters,"Too late, mate, the paperwork's already done"

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I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night.Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

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After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the missus were going to commit suicide together yesterday.Strangely enough, however, once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better.So I thought - sod it, I'll soldier on.

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I woke up this morning at 8 and could sense something was wrong.I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do.Then I remembered – the local cafe serve breakfast until 11.30.

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"Jesus Loves You." Nice to hear in church but not in a Mexican prison.

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Got caught having a piss in the local swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud I nearly fell in.

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How old do i look ??

http://how-old.net

I like that, it's taken 15 years off me [emoji2]
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