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Can anyone help . . . has spring/summer been cancelled this year and I missed the notification. Looking out my window this weekend the scene is more like October than May!

A Scottish Soldier in full dress uniform marches into a chemist shop. Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandanna, he unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds to reveal a condom. The condom has a number of patches on it. ... The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically. "How much to repair it?" the Scot asks the chemist. "Six pence," says the chemist. "How much for a new one?" "Ten pence" says the chemist. The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandanna, replaces it carefully in his sporran and marches out of the door, shoulders back…

type in a random mobile number, any 11 digit number starting 07 and text "Iv hidden the body! what do you want me to do now?"

Since last may " it has rained constanly up north , [ bar that freek week in march 23 degree ] its mud mud mud, and have been out on bike twice , since clock shift,, heading south this weekend to Stafford , it better be dry

********* EVERYONE BEWARE OF THIS LATEST SCAM*********** In ASDA whilst packing your shopping into your car you may be approached by two fit looking Eastern european girls wearing only tee shirts and shorts.They approach with a bucket of warm soapy water and just start washing the windscreen of your car whilst you sit inside.They intentionally rub their wet torsos against the windscreen as they work,which can be quite distracting,but thats the ploy. When they finish instead of monetary payment they ask for a lift to the next nearest ASDA.if you agree they will both jump into the back seat of your car and during the journey will perform sexual acts ,firstly the perf…

do you remember these famous people from the 70's?

spooky http://sheepfilms.co.uk/interact/eyes.htm

It was the Scotland/Wales rugby International weekend in Edinburgh and as the crowds made their way down Princes Street towards Murrayfield, a Rottweiler suddenly lunged towards an eight year old Scottish lass, with its jaws wide open ready to attack. The crowd nearby gasped in horror but, quick as a flash, a man in red jumped out of the crowd, grabbed the dog by the throat and throttled it. As the dead dog lay there, and the crowd cheered in admiration, a journalist from the Glasgow Herald who had witnessed the heroic deed, went up to the man and said, "That was brilliant, I can see the headline now - 'Welsh Rugby Fan Saves Young Girl From Certain Death'." …

Just got banned from the local swimming pool. I was bursting for the loo so i decided to take a cheeky slash in the deep end. Life guard must have noticed thow cos he blew his whistle. What a fleg i got ! very nearly made me fall in . . .

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a woman about to jump off a bridge, so they stopped. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says. While he didn't want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity either, so he asked... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?" So she does... And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss. After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I've ever had! That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why in the world would you want to commit suicide?" …

http://www.motorcyclespecs.co.za/model/yamaha/yamaha_rd350lc%2080.htm

CREATE your own cruise ship experience by visiting an old people's home whilst pissed on rum A VIBRATING cock ring makes an ideal massage belt for a hamster with a stiff back AVOID wasting time at airport security by going shoeless with your trousers round your ankles. PRETEND to be Elvis in your local chip shop by saying "Thank you very much" and then leaving the building. WHY waste money on a potato masher? Simply put the potato in your mouth and chew - hey presto, creamy mash in seconds! RECREATE the glamor of watching an old person eat pasta by giving a dog a Jelly Baby CONVINCE people you're the Wizard of Oz by shouting at them from behind a curtain

Once apon a time, the prince met a princess, she said " will you mary me" and he said " NO" And for everafter" He rode motorbikes, went fishing, shooting, got pissed with the lads,dated loads of young gorgeous girls, farted, left the toilet seat down,Had a huge bank account, and lived happily ever after...............

never mind?

One day,an english man a scotsman and a paki wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the english man and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into an iceberg? They just made a movie about it." The english man answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the scotsman and decided to make the question a little harder, "How many people died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the scotsman had just seen the movie and answered, "About 1,500." "That's right! You may enter." St. Peter then …

bad week , fiirst whitney now H from steps has died

Gone to go and make my self a brew at work.........and the kettle is fucking broke! Heads will roll.............heads will most definatly roll! I couldnt care if any thing else at work got broke but WHY the kettle? whats the kettle ever done to desurve this? it dose its job stu-perbly with out ever moaning about it, gets on with making every one happy as they can sit and wait knowing that the kettle is preparing their brew with care and effection. BUT NO! some dirty grotty low life scum has to come over and neglect the poor little thing. RIP kettle, you done me proud.

A man fell in a bag of soot.