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Dear Asda,

Last week I purchased some of your "smart price" toilet tissue and I have some thoughts to share with you.

For my first use I folded it twice like I normally would, but it was so weak it broke, at which point I realised I had fingered myself. That's right. No romance, no weekend in Venice, just one swift digit up the wrong 'un in a cold bathroom in Nottingham.

So what exactly is "smart" about "smart price"? My eyes certainly smarted a bit as I jabbed at my rectum. I spent the next few minutes in the saddest bathroom scene since Oscar Pistorius, debating whether to sacrifice a bath towel, a sock or the fleece of the first staff member I find at my local store.

A few more minutes passed, the anger subsided and I made a second attempt. You see this stuff might be half the price of branded stuff, but I found I needed to bandage it tightly 7-8 times around my hand to prevent me from molesting myself a second time, leaving me looking like an Egyptian mummy that's just performed a prostate exam.

The feeling of shame was soon replaced with regret, as I realised I had better things within arms reach to do the job. Even the pumice stone on the edge of my bath looked like it could do a better job than the stuff you supply.

I noticed in the news today your sales have dropped 7.5% in 3 months. Looks like it's not just the competition you can't wipe out!

Yours truly,

Ben Martin

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He's in Beverly Hills Sacha that should say it all.:lol:

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I could really do with a set of those for my two girls!  Haha

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  • 3 weeks later...

The teacher asked young Billy to form a sentence using the word " Contagious "  .  Billy thought for a minute and answered - " When my Dad saw the decorator coming up the garden with a 2 inch brush he told my Mum that if  he's  gonna paint the ceiling with that, it'll take the contagious ".

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My dad's to-do list this morning. What a character. :biglaugha:

527b386fc1096cf0dcd9c290044a2d23.jpg

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An old retired ex-prostitute was giving an interview to a young journalist during  which she described her "career" , and the history of the tradearrow-10x10.png in the local area . " Were you ever picked up by the Fuzz?", asked the hip young journalist . 

 "No Sonny", she replied , " But I have been swung around by me tits a few times !".

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