Random

A bit of tarmac from the motorway being built down the road went into a bar and asked for a pint of lager. Two minutes later another bit of tarmac walked in and sat next to him on a barstool and also asked for a pint of lager. The second bit of tarmac said to the first, “Where do you come from then?” He replied, “I'm from the motorway” “Bleeding ell, you must be really hard to bear all that traffic especially heavy lorries” “Yeah pretty hard, where do you come from then?” asked the first. “I'm from the slipway” replied the second. “Well, you must still be hard to bear all the traffic coming on to the motorway” At that time a third bit of small tarmac entered the …

A typical family on a Sunday evening, Mum doing the ironing, Dad reading the paper in his favorite armchair and the son doing his homework. All of a sudden the boy says. “Mum, how do you spell vagina?” Mum went all flustered and embarrassed and said. “I don't know, spelling isn't my favourite subject, you had better ask your dad.” So the boy said “Dad, how do you spell vagina?” To which his dad replied. “Hang on a minute there son, hang on, don't say anything, hang on, hang on” “No sorry son, but it was on the tip of my tongue last night.”

A man found a penguin wandering the streets so he took him under his wing so to speak. That night he took him to his local pub. His mate said pointing to the penguin. "where did you get that from?" "I found him this morning and he follows me around everywhere". So his mate suggested he take him to the zoo. "Good idea, I'll take him tomorrow morning". Anyway, tomorrow night when he went to the pub with the penguin his mate said. "I though you were going to take him to the zoo" "I did, and tomorrow I'm going to take him to the pictures"

One day the “man of the house” came down for breakfast before going to work and found his wife in tears. “What on earth is the matter with you?” he said. “It's alright for you” she said, but you don't have to look after the twins ( 2 boys aged 10 called Jimmy and Johney). “I'm so embarassed when I take them out, they are always fighting and their language is terrible. They are always effing and blinding it and even more stronger swear words. I just can't cope any more...... I NEED YOUR HELP!” “Right said hubby, when you get them up for breakfast, as soon as the first one swears. Hit him, and I mean hit him. Just grab hold of the first thing that comes to hand and h…

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A few days up north , some flights and awsome scenery, From the air One for bippo,

Hey guys and gals, My wife is running the race for life this coming Sunday and i was wondering if any of you wouldn't mind helping her raise her target of just £100? As like many people she has lost some very close people in her familey to cancer and in the 10 years that we have been together she has lost 5 of her nearest and dearest two within 3 months of each other and also her older sster who past away at the age of just 30. She has only set a target of £100 as she knows that time are tough and if people can only afford 50p then thats still better than slapping a sloppy poo. Here is her just giving page and i will post pictures of her doing the event a…

Three brothers aged 21, identical triplets were named Tom, Dick and Harry. Tom being the first born always took charge when they went out on the town for a few drinks and to pull the birds. One Saturday night they went to a nightclub and Tom said “Dick, you get the drinks in while me and Harry go and pull the birds” Tom spotted three girls on the dance floor dancing around their handbags so Tom and Harry went and joined them. After a couple of minutes one of the girls looked up from the floor and shouted “Oh my god!” One of the other girls said “what on earths the matter?” “Just look at the size of their feet” the first girl said. “That's nothing” Tom said pointing t…

I don't know if I've already told this one before but here goes anyway. A young lad about 9 years old was sent to bed early by his parents because he was being a right little sod. So he went up to his bedroom and started reading his comics, about 10 o'clock he heard his mum and dad come up to bed so he pretended to be asleep. After about 15 minutes he heard a strange noise coming from their bedroom, as if they were jumping up and down on the bed. So he got out of bed and went into their bedroom only to find them making love. “Get out!” shouted dad. About three minutes later dad went into his bedroom and said “look son, if you don't tell anybody what you just saw I…

Me and my pal pull up on a car park in Hose north Yorkshire and across the road a blue thundercat catches my eye. The cafe we go in has a customer sat with his back to the door wearing a yam t shirt. Not rocket science to work out which is his bike. Anyway after a brief chat we go our separate ways. So I would just like to say "nice to meet you" but I can't remember your name sorry. [emoji4]

D-Day Landing Sites Then And Now: http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2014/06/06/d-day-landing-sites-pictures_n_5458026.html

I came home from work tonight, as I came through the front door I noticed a parcel in the hall. The mrs shouts what have you been buying now! I said fork oil, she said well you must have ordered something!

Arrived to pick my girlfriend (now wife / boss ) from her dads place , not really knowing the family too well ... took a deep breath rang the door bell . my lady opens and says lets go quickly. all of sudden " dad " shouts ... turn round and he throws a shotgun round at me , he then calmly says ` after 11 itll be moving a lot faster ` and closes the door.

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who remembers these 70's porn mags, don't it just take you back . "HUSTLE" started it off if im not mistook , you younger ones wont know what your missing as it's not been done on a computer screen yet. not to my knowledge anyhow.. their you go ! any good computer boff could cash in on this idea..take it to the dragons den and and present it well ,, this time next year you could be a millionaire ..

Please enter a password ........ cabbage Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters. boiled cabbage Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character. 1 boiled cabbage Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces. 50fuckingboiledcabbages Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character. 50FUCKINGboiledcabbages Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively. 50FuckingBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourArse,IfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessImmediately Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation. NowIAmGettingReallyPissedOff50FuckingBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourArseIfYou DontGiveMeAccessImmediately Sorry, that …