up.yours Posted April 4, 2011 Share Posted April 4, 2011 katie price was playing with little harvey when he said mummy i want to be a school teacher just like pillingas,when i grow up katie laughed and replied don't be silly harvey you can't control the two pupils you've got.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator mervin Posted April 5, 2011 Moderator Share Posted April 5, 2011 the cost of living Owing the price of batteries, my wife has started having sex with me again Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator Airhead Posted April 5, 2011 Moderator Share Posted April 5, 2011 Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They managed to bag six. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose. The two lads objected strongly. 'Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours.' Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down. Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash. After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, 'Any idea where we are?' Mick replied, 'I’m not sure but I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator mervin Posted April 6, 2011 Moderator Share Posted April 6, 2011 Working Girl A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What's your occupation?" "I'm a prostitute," she says. The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "Let's try to rephrase that." The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl". "No, that still won't work. Try again." They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer." The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?" "Well, I raised over a thousand cocks last year." "OK. Elite Chicken Farmer it is." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator mervin Posted April 12, 2011 Moderator Share Posted April 12, 2011 Here is a riddle for the true intellectual.. Try to come up with the answer on your own. However, the answer is at the bottom for those who are unable to think this one through. Here's the riddle: At the exact same time, there are two 35-year-old men on opposite sides of the earth.One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers at the 85th floor.The other is getting oral sex from an 85-year-old toothless woman.They are both thinking the exact same thing... What are they both thinking? Don't look down! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator Airhead Posted April 15, 2011 Moderator Share Posted April 15, 2011 Man sitting at home on the verandah with his wife and he says, "I love you." She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking?" He replies, "It's me............. talking to the beer." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator mervin Posted April 17, 2011 Moderator Share Posted April 17, 2011 you have to pull em by the hair ore they fill up with sand Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator Airhead Posted April 18, 2011 Moderator Share Posted April 18, 2011 Some cracking one liners My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes. I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl. I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...but she did. The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.F**k me, talk about Dyson with death. Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary. Two friends are fishing near a bridge.Suddenly a Hearse and two Funeral Cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head. When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing. His mate turns to him and says," Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen. " Dave replies," Well we were married for nearly 20 years " Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador . "f**k that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind" Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead." The operator says ” how do you know”? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up! I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest p*n*s she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg" I've just had a letter back from Screwfix. They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency. A man walks into a Welsh pub and orders a white wine spritzer. The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him. "Where are you from? You sound English", "I'm from across the Severn ," replies the man nervously."What do you do, just across the Severn ?", "I'm a taxidermist." "What on earth is one of those?". "I mount animals." "Its alright boys," shouts the barman he's one of us. Spent £40 on eBay last week for a p*n*s enlarger. Just opened it and some bastard's sent me a magnifying glass! I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse. My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet. I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified. What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman? One's a superhero and the other is an instruction. An old lady is being examined by the Dr. He asks have you ever been bedridden? She says “yes I have, and I've been table ended and backskuttled a few times too!” Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my arse! Do you think I should change Dentists? A wife says to her husband “you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back.” He says “what do you expect? You’re in a wheel chair. “ I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature. She said “ I would like to come back as a cow.” “ I said you’re obviously not f--k--g listening.” Under new E.U. law the word "gypo" is no longer politically correct. They have to be called (caravan utilising nomadic travelers) or C.*.N.T.S. for short. Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten. It's called a wedding cake. I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said “ I love you.” She said “ Is that you or the beer talking” ? I replied “ it's me talking to the beer.” The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back. Hi mate I don't want you to panic but I'm texting you from the casualty. Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what I thought it was Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
barkwindjammer Posted April 18, 2011 Author Share Posted April 18, 2011 A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub... She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signalled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes. I need you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say. "Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
barkwindjammer Posted April 18, 2011 Author Share Posted April 18, 2011 A Barnsley man walks in to the Veterinary Surgery. " Nah then Vet. Mi cat's not reet well." says the man. " Is it a Tom? " asks the Vet. " No, ahve brought it wi' mi." says the man. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator drewpy Posted April 19, 2011 Moderator Share Posted April 19, 2011 magic eye Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator Airhead Posted April 19, 2011 Moderator Share Posted April 19, 2011 WTF Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator DirtyDT Posted April 19, 2011 Moderator Share Posted April 19, 2011 That stutter is getting worse Drewps. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator mervin Posted April 19, 2011 Moderator Share Posted April 19, 2011 why not just put it in morse code??? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator drewpy Posted April 19, 2011 Moderator Share Posted April 19, 2011 you need to see through the image to get the message! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
up.yours Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 fuck off, yer pissed up..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2 Wheels Posted April 25, 2011 Share Posted April 25, 2011 Little Patrick asked for a bike for his birthday. his dad said "we'd get you one but our mortgage is €80,000 and your mum has lost her job." Next day Patrick walked into the kitchen with his suitcase packed, his dad asks "Where are you going son?" Patrick replied "i walked past your room last night & heard you tell mum you were pulling out, then i heard mum tell you to wait cause she was coming too........... and I'm not staying here on my own with an €80,000 mortgage and no f##king bike." Yea i know, i'll get me coat Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
up.yours Posted April 26, 2011 Share Posted April 26, 2011 magic eye will someone please explain this to me,,,, for fuck sake.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator drewpy Posted April 26, 2011 Moderator Share Posted April 26, 2011 will someone please explain this to me,,,, for fuck sake.... steady on Kev, don't get your knickers in a twist http://www.magiceye3ds.com/howtosee3d.aspx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
up.yours Posted April 26, 2011 Share Posted April 26, 2011 steady on Kev, don't get your knickers in a twist http://www.magiceye3...howtosee3d.aspx cheers andy,,im permenantly bog eyed now Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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