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Paddy phones for an ambulance

as his mate has been

hit by a car

the Operator asks where the

accident is

He says outside number 28

Eucalyptus road

Operator says "how do you spell that sir"?

the line goes quiet for 5 minutes

the operator gets a bit worried

then Paddy says "sorry about that-

Oiv just dragged him to number 3 Oak st" B)

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Kenny the Rooster :rolleyes:

Well, Kenny the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny. The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barnyard, first, giving the rooster a pep talk. I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.

Kenny seemed to understand, so the farmer pointed toward the Hen house and Kenny took off like a shot. WHAM!-Kenny nails every hen in the hen house- three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Kenny is in there. Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.

The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day, to find Kenny on his back, stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says,

"Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "Shhh, they're getting closer".

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  • 3 weeks later...

The Missus asked me

to go out shopping

and get her something

that would make her look sexy :o

you should have seen her face

when I came back with 12 cans :farmerjohn:

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When i was a young fella, i picked up my date at her parents house,

i scraped up enough money to take her to a very nice resturant,

she ordered the most expensive things on the mene. shrimp-cocktail, lobster, champagne,

i asked her "does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home"

"no" she replies, "but my mother's not expecting a blow-job tonight,

to that i said "enjoy your meal"

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Wife goes on and on to her husband, come on we have been together a long time now just HOW many women have you been intimate with. I have told you you were my one and only.

You will just get mad says the husband

No says the wife i promise, i absoloutely will not be affected by what you tell me were adults.

Ok, well, one, two, three, four, five, then you, six, seven, eight.......

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whats the definition of cruelty?

strapping a bomb to someone in a wheelchair and telling them they have 10 seconds to run!

2 blonds walk into a bank..........would of thought one of them would of seen it!

a flea walks into a bar and sees his m8 shivering his tits off! he asks whats up wth u?

his freind replies: im living in this guys tash, and he has a motorbike, i wake up every morning to find im doing 60mph down the motorway!

the flea replies: no no m8 you need to do what i do! go to a club find a nice looking bird, crawl up her leg and go to kip in her muff, youl be nice and cosey!

the next day the flea is at the bar and his m8 walks in shivering again! he sais: whats up? did you do what i said?

his freind replies: YES i found a nice bird crawled up her leg and fell asleep in her muff, next thing i know im doing 60mph up the motorway in some bikers tash!

what do you call a chav in school?............gifted!

what do you call a gorilla with its fingers in its ears? ......anything u want it cant hear you!

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a bloke gets horny at work, its all he can think about! so he decides when he gets home he is gonna screw his wifes head off! in there 1 bed apartment.

he gets home and all the lights are off, he creeps into his bedroom, slides under the covers at the bottom of the bed and starts giving his wife oral, he really goes for it and in 10min she came 3 times all over his face.

He decided to go have a wash and brush his teeth in the bathroom and opens the door to find his wife there shaving her legs, WHAT THE FUCK! he shouts

shhhhh! (said his wife) youl wake ur mother!

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A woman gets on a bus with her baby,

The bus driver says, "thats the ugliest baby i've ever seen, ugh"

The woman goes to the back of the bus and sits down, fuming.

She says to the man next to her, "The driver just insulted me".

The man says "You go right up there and tell him off -go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you".

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A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are

only 3 Survivors; Bob, Tom and Debbie.

They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple

of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex, all the time, Debbie felt absolutely

horrible about what she was doing.

She felt having sex with both Bob and Tom was so immoral and bad that

she killed herself.

It was tragic, but Bob and Tom managed to get through it. After a

while, Bob and Toms resistance to natures urgings waned, and the

inevitable happened.

Well, a couple more years went by and Bob and Tom began to

feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.

***keep scrolling***

So they buried Debbie.

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Policeman stopes drunk driver and askes him to take breath test, driver takes out NHS card, "this man is asthmatic please do not take his breath"

Policeman askes him to take blood test, Driver takes out second NHS card, "this man is anemic please do not take his blood"

Poiceman then askes him to take urine test,

Driver pulls out third NHS card---"this man is a Liverpool season ticket holder, please do not take the piss".

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Your on a horse, galloping away at speed,

On your left is a steep drop, on your right is an elephant traveling at the same speed,

Directly in front of you is a kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it,

Behind is a lion chasing you,

What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation ?

Get your fat drunk arse off the Merry-Go-Round and act your age ! :paci:

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can you say,,,,,,whale,,oil,,beef,,and hooked,,without sounding like an irish man,,:)

I had a T-shirt with that on, as well as the "Ford" one


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A 7 year old says to his 4 year old brother,...

"It's about time we started swearing. I'll start in the morning, then you go second"

The 4 year old agrees and off they go to sleep.

Next morning Mother asks the 7 year old,

"What would you like for breakfast this morning?"

The 7 year old says,

"I'll have Coco pops, Bitch"


The 7 year old gets knocked across the room and is in tears.

Mother turns to the 4 year old who looks aghast,

"And what would you like for your breakfast?"

The 4 year old replies,

"I'm not sure but it definately won't be [email protected] Coco Pops!"

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