barkwindjammer Posted March 9, 2011 Author Posted March 9, 2011 Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of TAMPONS and proceeded to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" "Eight," the boy replied. The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?" The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."
Moderator mervin Posted March 9, 2011 Moderator Posted March 9, 2011 saw a sign today that nearly made me piss myself Toilet Closed
up.yours Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 jashua2's mothers best friend took his virginity................ it was his father.........
Joshua2 Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 I'm sick of all these jokes about people from Bolton, they're the most nicest people in the world. Sorry, typo, I meant the 'most incest people in the world'. ATB J2
up.yours Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 incest is best,,keep it in the family... quote by joshua2....
up.yours Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 statistics show that one in twenty of us, live next door to a paedophile; not JOSHUA2 though, he lives next door to two ten year olds....
barkwindjammer Posted March 13, 2011 Author Posted March 13, 2011 Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything-except 'Stella' Barmaid asks "whats wrong wi Stella like"? bloke says "I had 12 pints of Stella last night- and when I came round I was fukkin skint !" Barmaid says "12 pints of anything costs about the same" bloke replies "Skint is my dog...."
Moderator Airhead Posted March 13, 2011 Moderator Posted March 13, 2011 Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything-except 'Stella' Barmaid asks "whats wrong wi Stella like"? bloke says "I had 12 pints of Stella last night- and when I came round I was fukkin skint !" Barmaid says "12 pints of anything costs about the same" bloke replies "Skint is my dog...."
Joshua2 Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called Wedding Cake.
2 Wheels Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard.”
mike1949 Posted March 20, 2011 Posted March 20, 2011 An English man, a Scotchman sorry Jim. A Scotsman and an Irishman ended up on a desert island and for some reason was arrested,tried and found guilty of tresspassing. they were sentenced to 25 years in a solitary cell each. The tribal chief being a considerate man granted them one luxuary each that they could take with them. The Englishman said, "Well, I'm very partial to one of your lovely maidens" The Scottish gentleman said, "Well I do like a wee dram of the finest single malt" The Irishman said, "Well I'm very partial to a very good Havanna cigar" When they locked the Englishman up, they put a stunning young virgin native girl in with her. When they locked Jock up they filled his cell with single malt whiskey. When they locked Paddy up they filled his cell from floor to ceiling with the finest Cuban cigars you can get. 25 YEARS LATER When they opened the Englishman's cell he came out with a big smile on his face followed by a native girl and 25 kids. When they opened Jocks cell he came out with the last bottle of the finest single malt and said "same again please" When they opened Paddy's cell he came out with a cigar in his mouth and said "has anybody got a light please?"
Moderator DirtyDT Posted March 20, 2011 Moderator Posted March 20, 2011 An injured dog limps into a bar on three legs, and says; “I’m looking for the guy who shot my paw!”
Moderator mervin Posted March 21, 2011 Moderator Posted March 21, 2011 I will start I got eczema, diarrhoea, gonorrhoea and haemorrhoids last week. First time I've ever won a game of Scrabble. -------------------------------------------------- Prince Charles must have upset the Mafia. He wakes up every morning with a horse's head on his pillow -------------------------------------------------------- Time Machine David Cameron goes to a science exhibition and is shown a time machine which can see 100 years into the future. The man in charge invites him to ask any question he likes. Cameron asks "What will Australia be like in 100 years time?" The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action and gives a printout, which the man reads: "The country is in good hands under the new Prime Minister, crime is non-existent, there is no conflict, the economy is healthy. There are no worries" He has another go "What will China be like in 100 years time?" Another print out: "The country will be the world's leading economy and everyone there will enjoy the highest standard of living in the world" Cameron then asks "What will Great Britain be like in 100 years time?" The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action. The man gets a printout, but he's just stares at it. "Come on", says Cameron "What does it say" The man replies, "Buggered if I know ! It's all in Arabic!" --------------------------------------------------------- Two blondes... Lynn and Judy were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity House. Lynn was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail Pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it In. Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you Throwing those nails away?' Lynn explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of Them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.' Judy got completely upset and yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't Defective! They're for the other side of the house!' ------------------------------------------------------ A blonde walks into a shop and asks if she could buy the tv but the shop keeper says "sorry don't sell to blondes". The blonde walk in the next day and says "can i buy the tv?" and the shop keeper says "sorry i don't sell to blondes". So the blonde died her hair and whent to the shop and said can i buy the tv and the shop keeper said sorry i dont sell to blondes. The blonde said "how do you know I'm a blonde" and the keeper says "Because that is a microwave". ------------------------------------------------------- Just bought a Toyota Hybrid It's half car, half submarine --------------------------------------------------------- Whats the difference between marriage and a battery. A battery has a positive side -------------------------------------------------------
Moderator mervin Posted March 21, 2011 Moderator Posted March 21, 2011 Dear Son, Just a few lines with some home news and to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. We are all doing very well. You won't recognise the house when you get home - we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Irish family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since. Your father's got a really good job now. He's got 500 men under him. He's cutting the grass at the cemetery. Your sister Mary had a baby this morning but I haven't found out if it's a boy or a girl, so I don't know whether you are an auntie or an uncle. Your brother Tom is still in the army. He's only been there a short while and they've already made him a court martial! Your Uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of whiskey in the Dublin Brewery. Some of his workmates tried to save him but he fought them off bravely. They cremated him and it took three days to put out the fire. I'm sorry to say that your cousin Seamus was arrested while riding his bicycle last week. They are charging him with dope peddling. I went to the doctor on Thursday and your father went with me. The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for ten minutes. Your father offered to buy it from him. The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice this week, first for three days and then for four days. We had a letter from the undertaker. He said if the last payment on your grandmother's plot wasn't paid in seven days, up she comes. About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. John locked his keys in the car yesterday.. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out. Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down. There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened. Your loving Mum. P.S. I was going to send you some money but I had already sealed the envelope.
barkwindjammer Posted March 21, 2011 Author Posted March 21, 2011 Man sitting at home on the verandah with his wife and he says, "I love you." She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking?" He replies, "It's me............. talking to the beer."
barkwindjammer Posted March 26, 2011 Author Posted March 26, 2011 Ken and Edna Ken and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, And every year Ken would say, 'Edna, I'd like to ride in that helicopter' Edna always replied, 'I know Ken, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, And fifty bucks is fifty bucks' One year Ken and Edna went to the fair, and Ken said, 'Edna, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance' To this, Edna replied, "Ken that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks' The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.' Ken and Edna agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, But still not a word... When they landed, the pilot turned to Ken and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!' Ken replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell out, But you know, "Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!
Moderator mervin Posted March 26, 2011 Moderator Posted March 26, 2011 AN IRISH GHOST STORY This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.[ If you beleive that you will beleive anyhing] ~~~~~~~~~~~~ John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on. The car started moving slowly.. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him. Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had. A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying... and wasn't drunk. Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John , were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other.... Look Paddy....there's that fooking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!'
Moderator Airhead Posted March 28, 2011 Moderator Posted March 28, 2011 Healed Grandma and grandpa were watching a religious healing program on tv. The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed, to put one hand on the tv and the other on the body part they wanted healed. Grandma hobbled to the tv and put one hand on the tv and the other on her arthritic hip.Grandpa made his way to the set and put one hand on the tv and the other on his crotch.Grandma looked at him with disgust. "you just don't understand, you old coot.....the purpose of this program is to heal the sick, not raise the dead."
Moderator Airhead Posted March 29, 2011 Moderator Posted March 29, 2011 I went to a disco the other night. They played 'Jump' and I jumped. They played 'The Twist' and I did the twist. They played 'Come on Eileen' and I got kicked out.
Moderator mervin Posted April 3, 2011 Moderator Posted April 3, 2011 Aaah the benefit of wisdom An Old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat. He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whisky in the other. The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?" The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... Never really wanted to." A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector --not wanting to get a toe blown off-- started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied. When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever licked a mule's arse?" The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... But... I've always wanted to." There are a few lessons for us all here: · Never be arrogant. · Don't waste ammunition. · Whisky makes you think you're smarter than you are. · Always, always make sure you know who has the power. · Don't mess with old men, they didn't get old by being stupid. I just love a story with a happy ending, don't you
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