mike1949 Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 A couple making love on the beach. The girl says. "Do you think you can get your testicles in as well?" "I'll give it a go" says the boy, "does that turn you on then?" "No, but it will stop you flicking sand up my arse though!"
barkwindjammer Posted February 12, 2011 Author Posted February 12, 2011 Two blondes walking down the street. One reaches into her pocket for a make up compact and looks into the mirror. "This picture looks like someone I know" she says. The other one has a look and says, "Of course dummy, it's ME...." You cant still be opening Christmas crackers this time of year Jase ?
mike1949 Posted February 12, 2011 Posted February 12, 2011 Why do nuns always go out in pairs? So one nun can see the other nun gets none. Two nuns riding bicycles down a cobbled street. One nun says "I've never come this way before" 11 was a racehorse, 12 was one too, 11 won a race, 12 won one too. Whats the fastest fish in the world? A motorpike. The Lone Ranger came across Tonto lying down on the grass with his ear to the ground. "What's going on Tonto?" "Stagecoach, four passengers,one driver and shotgun guard" "Effing ell Tonto, you mean you can tell all that just by listening with your ear to the ground?" "No!" said Tonto. "The fucking thing just run over me!" The Lone Ranger and Tonto were surrounded by hundreds of hostile indians wearing war paint. "Well Tonto, we've been best of friends for twenty years, we've stuck up for each other through thick and thin, we've helped each other, we've always looked after each other, now it looks likes we'll die together" Tonto says. "What you mean we, white man? Sign outside a restaurant, We will serve you anything you order or give you £20.00 cash back on your bill. Customer. "I'll have an elephants ear sandwich please" Waiter. "I'm sorry sir, but were right out of bread."
Moderator Cynic Posted February 12, 2011 Moderator Posted February 12, 2011 And BWJ thought i'd raided the crackers.......
mike1949 Posted February 13, 2011 Posted February 13, 2011 A very posh lesbion lady went to her gynocol, gynocologist,doctor that looks after her fanny. After examining her the doctor says, "I say Mrs Farquhar-Pemberton, your vagina looks in very good condition" "Yes" the lady says, "I have a cleaner in twice a week"
2 Wheels Posted February 17, 2011 Posted February 17, 2011 An 80 year old man walks into a jeweller shop with an absolutely stunning 20 year old blonde . He asks the jeweller for a "special ring" for the young lady. Jeweller says here you go ,,,this one is €5000. ... No says the man i want a really "special ring", so the jeweller pulls out one from the safe and says "now sir , this one is €65000". Thats the one the old dude says as the blondes eyes light up with excitement. I will write you a cheque and when the cheque clears on monday we will come and collect it. Monday morning the jeweller phones the old man and says. " Sir there is no money in your account" Sure i know that says the old dude, but can you imagine the fuckin weekend I am after havin
Moderator mervin Posted February 25, 2011 Moderator Posted February 25, 2011 Teacher: "Can you tell the name of 3 great Kings who have brought happpines and peace into people lives?" Student: " Smo-king", Drin-king and Fuc-king"
Moderator DirtyDT Posted February 25, 2011 Moderator Posted February 25, 2011 A very posh lesbion lady went to her gynocol, gynocologist,doctor that looks after her fanny. After examining her the doctor says, "I say Mrs Farquhar-Pemberton, your vagina looks in very good condition" "Yes" the lady says, "I have a cleaner in twice a week" An old lady who is hard of hearing goes for a medical checkup. The doc thoroughly examines her and says to her "You are in good condition for you age and have acute angina" "Thank very much" the lady replies.
Moderator mervin Posted February 28, 2011 Moderator Posted February 28, 2011 I did the most despicable thing the other day....went to my local weightwatchers meeting and looked at all the women getting weighed etc...then i went all bad and went in and emptied a bag of maltesers all over the floor..... biggest ever life size game of hungry hippo's i have ever seen....lol
Joshua2 Posted March 1, 2011 Posted March 1, 2011 Big Kev (UP.YOURS) says he only has one regret about being a paedophile: He'll never know what a tit wank feels like. ATB J2
Moderator drewpy Posted March 2, 2011 Moderator Posted March 2, 2011 A man riding his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources.. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind." The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a Woman truly happy." . . . . . . . . . The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
Moderator drewpy Posted March 3, 2011 Moderator Posted March 3, 2011 Someone had to remind me, So I'm reminding you, too. Don't laugh..... It is all true!Perks of reaching 50 Or being over 60 And heading towards 70 or beyond! 1. Kidnappers are not very Interested in you. 2. In a hostage situation, You are likely to be released first. 3. No one expects you to run -- Anywhere. 4. People call at 9 PM (or 9 AM) and ask, 'Did I wake you?' 5. People no longer view you as a Hypochondriac.. 6. There is nothing left To learn the hard way. 7. Things you buy now Won't wear out.. 8. You can eat Supper at 4 PM.. 9.. You can live without sex But not your glasses. 10. You get into heated arguments About pension plans. 11. You no longer think of speed limits As a challenge.. 12. You quit trying to hold Your stomach in no matter who walks Into the room. 13. You sing along With elevator music. 14. Your eyes won't get Much worse. 15. Your investment in health insurance Is finally beginning to pay off. 16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists Than the national weather service.. 17. Your secrets are safe with your friends Because they can't remember them either. 18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to A manageable size. 19. You can't remember Who sent you this list. AND THE MOST IMPORTANT THING: Never, NEVER, NEVER, Under any circumstances, Take a sleeping pill, and a laxative on the same night!
Moderator DirtyDT Posted March 3, 2011 Moderator Posted March 3, 2011 A friend of mine asked me if my partner and I use the computer for the same reasons as they do. I asked what they use theirs for. He replied; She uses it for shopping, I use it for w4nking.
mike1949 Posted March 6, 2011 Posted March 6, 2011 Paddy got shipwrecked and ended up on a deserted dessert island. After three days without food or drink he came across a genie lamp, after rubbing it a genie appeared. "Thank you, thank you, thank you!" said the genie, I have been waiting for three hundred years for someone to release me so I will grant you three wishes, what would you like? "Well" said Paddy, "The first thing I would like is an ice cold pint of draught guinness" All of a sudden an ice cold pint of draught guinness appeared by his side. He downed it in one go and put the glass back to which by his amazement it refilled itself. "It's a selffilling glass" replied the genie. After drinking three more pints the genie said. "Not wishing to hurry you, but I've been waiting three hundred years for this moment so could you let me know what your other two wishes are so I can get on with a lot of catching up" "Certainly" replied Paddy pointing to the refilled pint of guinness. "I'll have another two of those please"
Joshua2 Posted March 6, 2011 Posted March 6, 2011 Big Kev went to the peados A.G.M. and after the meal they passed around the under 8's. ATB J2
barkwindjammer Posted March 6, 2011 Author Posted March 6, 2011 Hi Folks, just in case! Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the shopping centre and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it. A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at B&Q, Halfords and the like as this caught me totally by surprise. Over the last couple of months I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends. Here's how the scam works: Two nice-looking, college-aged girls will come over to your car as you are packing your purchases into Your vehicle. They both start wiping your windscreen with a rag and Windolene, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look). When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's. You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, unzipping your trousers and distracting you with her mouth while the other one forces her body into your face whilst she steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen Jan 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also February 1st & 4th, Twice on the 8th, 12th, 21st, and very likely again this upcoming weekend. So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men.. Warn your friends to be vigilant. Tesco has wallets on sale for £2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for £1.59 at Homebase and bought all the stock in three of their stores. Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from B&Q to Halfords etc. So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)
barkwindjammer Posted March 6, 2011 Author Posted March 6, 2011 - Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees. Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?' Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex. Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement. Dad says, 'So what were you watching?' Billy says, ' Wimbledon .
barkwindjammer Posted March 7, 2011 Author Posted March 7, 2011 Paddy and Mick sat having a point,, a lorry goes past with rolls of turf on,,, Paddy says "I'm gonna do that when I win the lottery",,, Mick says "What, drive a wagon?",,, Paddy says "No, ye daft kunt, send me grass to be cut"
Joshua2 Posted March 9, 2011 Posted March 9, 2011 Why does UP.YOURS have a lunch box with a see through lid? So he can tell if he's going to work or going home. ATB J2
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