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barkwindjammer
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Reebok have released new ultra tight cycling shorts for women called (mumblers), you can see the lips moveing but you cant make out what the cunts saying ! ! !

i'll get me coat :(

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Little johnny is in school when the teacher asks for a story with meaning,

Me me me says litle Johnny.

Ok whats the story then say's teacher.

Well, my uncle Bob flw fighters in the war, he got shot down in a battle but bailed out just in time. He had a hip flask a gun and a knife, nothing else. He drank the whisky on the way down in case he got hurt on the landing. When he did land he was surrounded by Gooks, got 9 of em with the gun but ran out of bullets. Clubbed some more with the but till it broke off. Did yet more of em with the knife but it snapped after 5 or 6 of em. He had to do the last few with his bare hands.

The teacher, totally shocked asked with a shakey voice. 'What have you learned from this very traumatic tale?'

Never, and i mean never cross uncle Bob when he's had a drink..............

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  • 1 month later...

A man gets up to find his wife

with one of his socks in the frying pan,

"what are you doing"? he asks :o ,

His wife says

"I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came home drunk" :angry:

Puzzled the man walks away thinking

"I don't remember asking her to cook my sock" ? :huh:

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TWO BLONDE GENIES

A WHITE GUY IS WALKING ALONG A bitch WHEN HE COMES ACROSS A LAMP PARTIALLY BURIED IN THE SAND. HE PICKS UP THE LAMP AND GIVES IT A RUB.

TWO BLONDE GENIES APPEAR, AND THEY TELL HIM HE HAS BEEN GRANTED THREE WISHES.

THE GUY MAKES HIS THREE WISHES AND THE BLONDE GENIES DISAPPEAR.

THE NEXT THING THE GUY KNOWS, HE'S IN A BEDROOM, IN A GOLF-COURSEMANSION , SURROUNDED BY 50 BEAUTIFUL WOMEN.

AFTER HE MAKES LOVE TO ALL OF THEM, HE BEGINS TO EXPLORE THIS FABULOUS HOUSE.

SUDDENLY HE FEELS SOMETHING SOFT UNDER HIS FEET, HE LOOKS DOWN AND THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN $100 BILLS.

THEN, THERE'S A KNOCK AT THE DOOR.

HE ANSWERS IT AND STANDING THERE ARE TWO PERSONS DRESSED IN KU KLUX KLAN OUTFITS. THEY DRAG HIM OUTSIDE TO THE NEAREST TREE, THROW A ROPE OVER A LIMB AND HANG HIM BY THE NECK UNTIL HE'S DEAD.

AS THE KLANSMEN ARE WALKING AWAY, THEY REMOVE THEIR HOODS. IT'S THE TWO BLONDE GENIES.

ONE BLONDE GENIE SAYS TO THE OTHER ONE, 'I CAN UNDERSTAND THE FIRST WISH HAVING ALL THESE BEAUTIFUL WOMEN IN A BIG MANSION TO MAKE LOVE TO.

I CAN ALSO UNDERSTAND HIM WANTING TO BE A MILLIONAIRE.

BUT WHY HE WANTED TO BE HUNG LIKE A BLACK MAN IS BEYOND ME.'

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My son got kicked out of school today

Apparently in the maths lesson the teacher asked him

If i gave you £20 and you paid £5 to Joanna , £5 too Claire and £5 too katie what would you have??

apparently 3 blow jobs and enough left for a kebab was the wrong answer

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I have been told to get a good cup of tea you need to agitate the bag

so every morning now when the wife is makng me tea I slap her across the ass and say 2 sugars ya fat cow

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After both suffering depression

for a while :(

, me and the wife were going

to commit suicide yesterday :huh:

but strangely enough :blink: ,

once she killed herself

I started to feel a lot better B) ,

so I thought

Fuck it,,,,,,,soldier on :)

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An older couple , who were both widowed , had been going out with each other for a long time ....Urged on by their friends , they decided it was finally time to get married . Before the wedding , they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements , and so on . Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship . " How do you feel about s#x ?" he asked, rather tentatively . "I would like it infrequently ", she replied ...........The old gentleman sat quietly for a few moments , adjusted his glasses , leaned twords her and whispered . " Is that one word or two ?" ........

:lol:

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THE correct insurance companies for sex are.

SEX with your wife - Legal & General

SEX with your future wife - Mutual Trust

SEX with your secretary - Employers Liability

SEX with a prostitute - Commercial Union

SEX on the telephone - Direct Line

SEX with your biographer - Quote me Happy

SEX in a hurry - Insure & Go

SEX with your boyfriend - Standard Life

SEX with a transvestite - Confused.com

SEX with someone different - Go Compare.

SEX with an animal - Compare the meerkat

SEX with a fat bird - More Than

SEX on the back seat - Sheila's Wheels

SEX with an O.A.P. - SAGA

SEX with a posh bird - Privilege.com

SEX with a sheep - Farmers Union

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After having a 69 with his lass, Bob remembered he had a dentist appointment.

Afraid the dentist would smell fanny on his breath, he brushed his teeth, used dental floss, a bottle of Listerine and ate a packet of extra strong mints.

Feeling confident he sat in the dentists chair and opened his mouth.

The dentist got close and asked "Did you have a 69 before you got here?"

"How can you tell?" asked Bob "Does my breath still smell of fanny?"

"No" replied the dentist "You have a skid mark on your forehead"

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Rolf Harris is to release an 'Oz Aid' single on Friday for the victims of the Australian floods. It will be called - 'WHYS ME KANGAROO DROWNED SPORT?' :D :D :D

ATB

J2

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.. Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, and a Swiss man walk into a pub.

The landlord says, "I can't let you in without a Thai."

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Big Kevs (UP.YOURS) girlfriend has made him a lovely Valentines day card. Aaaahhhhhhhh. :rolleyes:

It was the best in her class. ;)

ATB

J2

Is it true she came home from school and said some one told me you are a paedophile

and he said thats a big word for a 12 year old

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Why do women get married in white.

So they match all the other kitchen appliances.

*********************************************************

I was on top of this fat woman having s3x.

I said to her "Do you mind if I turn the light off?"

She replied "Why, are you shy?"

"No" I said "It's just the ceiling light is burning my Ar5e!!!!"

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Is it true she came home from school and said some one told me you are a paedophile

and he said thats a big word for a 12 year old

:lol::lol::lol:

When's bedtime at Big Kevs house?

When the big hand touches the little hand. B)

ATB

J2

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Two blondes walking down the street. One reaches into her pocket for a make up compact and looks into the mirror. "This picture looks like someone I know" she says. The other one has a look and says, "Of course dummy, it's ME...."

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