up.yours

Little Pakistani girl goes to her mum and says 'Mummy, I don't want to be a lesbian when I grow up.' Mum says 'What makes you think you'll be a lesbian, Minjita?'

Mrs Jones phones her estate agent to ask why he had valued her house at £150k when Mr Mohammed's next door had been valued at £200k when they were the exact same. He replied by telling her that Mr Mohammed didn't live next door to a Paki!

i was in primark yesterday and saw a black man looking at some polyester shirts,i thought,"that`s strange they usually pick cotton."

A robber walks into a bank and shouts, "Freeze - Give me all your cash!". A brave customer pulls off the robber's mask and says "I've seen your face now", so the robber shoots him. "Anyone else seen my face?" Silence for a moment, then someone pipes up, "I think that paki in the corner got a glimpse...!"

Worldwide Terrorist Alert Levels The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats, and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in1940, when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada. The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards". They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years. The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides". The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs". They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose". Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels. The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy. Americans meanwhile, and as usual, are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies "just in case". New Zealand has raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA". Due to continuing defence cutbacks, New Zealand has only one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us". Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up." "Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?" "I'm a hit man," was the reply. "You're joking!" was the response. "No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools." "That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window." "Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ah-ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her..... He's naked, too!!!" He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?" "I'll do a flat rate for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger." "Can you do two for me now?" "Sure, what do you want?" "First shoot my wife. She's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth." "Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson." The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently. "Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here..."

it was ?

thats comming from a guy who's 125 did 90mph albeit, he did wear the correct clothing.

oh yes you inconsiderate self centered git.i was ferkin looking forward too that chinky.

yea me too it's bloody cruel.

sorry about their fumes drewpy erm are you on about my fumes ? or the morning wake up fumes . anyway , it was a blast . realy good meeting up with you all again, hope you all enjoyed my undivided attention. i tried sending pictures off my phone ,but it's being a bitch at the moment.

i didn't get lost ? i just took a wrong turn . yes it was a nice surprise seeing paul, i just got up from out of my god send of a bed, and now it's back to reality , im off too work.see ya later.

it isn't even funny, i missed my turning and ended up in warrington, it added twenty two bloody miles onto my jurney. epic weekend though.

bikes packed, im ready. fuckin clouding over now . i might set off about 3-4oclock

ON YER BIKE YOU LOT...

if you bring one you can use it.? out of site out of mind and all that, don't forget though? your catering for 6

erm? i,ll see if the dogs have finished with it, and you can have whats left.

you can have a nice spot at the side of newman andy, (he snores)??? (very loud) im hoping to to arrive tomorrow, but it could be sat-morn?

$1035.00 not a bad price

bad luck pat , hope your wife soon feels better. what you calling the kid, cos if your stuck for a name KEVAN is a nice irish name and i wouldn't mind.

don't back out now newman , have faith, im bringing the rd , and the only servicing it's had in the last twelve months is ? erm does fueling up count as maintainance. id'e better put some air in he tyres b4 i set off, and oil the chain, oh shit i hope i get there. hay , i may be there on the friday night ,as iv'e secured an early finish for friday, who's picking me up then.

well iv'e just come in from doing the dogs anal glands and im pissed through, it's rained all day in bolton.

hmmm not cheap.

nice? very nice. is it a runner.

orange.