Screw Guernsey Posted November 22, 2011 Share Posted November 22, 2011 Here you go: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator drewpy Posted November 22, 2011 Moderator Share Posted November 22, 2011 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2 Wheels Posted November 29, 2011 Share Posted November 29, 2011 The guys were on a bike tour . No one wanted to share a room with Mick, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time during the trip . So they voted to take turns . The first guy that shared with Mick comes down to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot ! They said " Man , what happened to you ?" He said " Mick snored so loudly , I just sat up and watched him all night . " The next night it was a different guys turn, in the morning , same thing , hair all standing up , eyes all bloodshot . ...They said " Man , what happened to you ? You look aful ! He said , " Man that Mick shakes the roof with his snoring , I watched him all night . " The third night it was Bill's turn . He was a tanned older biker, a man's man .....The next morning he came down to breakfast , bright-eyed and bushy -tailed . .... "Good morning " he said . They couldn't believe it . They said "Man what happened ? " He said " Well , we got ready for bed . I went and tucked Mick into bed , patted him on the arse, and kissed him good night . Mick sat up and watched me all night ." ........With age comes wisdom ! ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fieldarcher Posted December 3, 2011 Share Posted December 3, 2011 Someone had to remind me, So I'm reminding you, too. Don't laugh..... It is all true!Perks of reaching 50 Or being over 60 And heading towards 70 or beyond! 1. Kidnappers are not very Interested in you. 2. In a hostage situation, You are likely to be released first. 3. No one expects you to run -- Anywhere. 4. People call at 9 PM (or 9 AM) and ask, 'Did I wake you?' 5. People no longer view you as a Hypochondriac.. 6. There is nothing left To learn the hard way. 7. Things you buy now Won't wear out.. 8. You can eat Supper at 4 PM.. 9.. You can live without sex But not your glasses. 10. You get into heated arguments About pension plans. 11. You no longer think of speed limits As a challenge.. 12. You quit trying to hold Your stomach in no matter who walks Into the room. 13. You sing along With elevator music. 14. Your eyes won't get Much worse. 15. Your investment in health insurance Is finally beginning to pay off. 16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists Than the national weather service.. 17. Your secrets are safe with your friends Because they can't remember them either. 18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to A manageable size. 19. You can't remember Who sent you this list. AND THE MOST IMPORTANT THING: Never, NEVER, NEVER, Under any circumstances, Take a sleeping pill, and a laxative on the same night! Sorry what was that Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fieldarcher Posted December 3, 2011 Share Posted December 3, 2011 what do you call a blond who dyes her hair brown? artificial inteligence Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator drewpy Posted June 3, 2012 Moderator Share Posted June 3, 2012 I got in an accident with a Smart Car today and it was completely wrecked. My motorbike is fine though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2 Wheels Posted June 14, 2012 Share Posted June 14, 2012 Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the Doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live. Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, so they make love. About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, “Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?” Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again. Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, “Honey, please... just one more time before I die.” She says, “Of course, Dear,” and they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep. Morris, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. “Honey, I have only 4 more hours.... Do you think we could...” At this point the wife sits up and says, “Listen Morris, enough is enough I have to get up in the morning... you don't” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2 Wheels Posted June 14, 2012 Share Posted June 14, 2012 Brian always wanted a pair of motorcycle boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, “Notice anything different about me?” Maria looked him over, “Nope.” Frustrated, Brian stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Maria, a little louder this time, “Notice anything different NOW?” Maria looked up and exclaimed, “Brian, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow!” Furious, Brian yelled, “AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, MARIA?” “Nope.” She replied. “IT’S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!” Without changing her expression, Maria replied, “Shoulda bought a new helmet Brian!” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mike1949 Posted June 15, 2012 Share Posted June 15, 2012 At this point the wife sits up and says, “Listen Morris, enough is enough I have to get up in the morning... you don't” Absolutly Brill. :icon_razz: :icon_razz: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sacha Posted June 30, 2012 Share Posted June 30, 2012 I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator drewpy Posted June 30, 2012 Moderator Share Posted June 30, 2012 I love the look on people's faces, standing soaked in the rain at the bus stop as I drive past. It's partly why I became a bus driver. ~~~~~ I've found that if you massage the clitoris with your thumb, while gently easing your index and middle fingers into the vagina... You get sacked from your job as a gynaecologist. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sacha Posted July 1, 2012 Share Posted July 1, 2012 I've found that if you massage the clitoris with your thumb, while gently easing your index and middle fingers into the vagina... You get sacked from your job as a gynaecologist. LMFAO! The wife suggested that I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did... she's 21 and her name's Lucy. (Apologies if it's been done) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator mervin Posted July 1, 2012 Moderator Share Posted July 1, 2012 Tony and Yvonne were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they carefully watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to Yvonne's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade. One day, their good health didn't help when they went on yet another holiday vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.' Tony asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.' Tony looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.. 'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled Tony.. 'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.' Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch. 'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to Tony. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.' Tony looked around and nervously asked Yvonne 'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?' 'That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!' 'No gym to work out at?' said Tony 'Not unless you want to,' was the answer. 'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...' 'Never again' Tony glared at Yvonne and said, 'You and your Fecking Bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator drewpy Posted July 2, 2012 Moderator Share Posted July 2, 2012 A man dressed as an egg has tried to gain entry to tonight's Euro 2012 Final. He was quickly whisked away by security and beaten. ~~~ Italy are like Stephen Hawking. For years they've shown glimpses of genius, but they'll never again get to lift a cup. ~~~ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator mervin Posted July 24, 2012 Moderator Share Posted July 24, 2012 A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a totally deserted part of Bondibeach. She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and begun reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "How are you today?" "Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book. "I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked. "First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book. "I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely," she countered. "Do you live around here?" “Yes, I live in Rose Bay ", he answered, and again he resumed reading. Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pussy cats?" With that, he dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life. When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and said, "How did you know that was what I wanted?" He replied, "How did you know my name was Katz? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator mervin Posted July 25, 2012 Moderator Share Posted July 25, 2012 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mike1949 Posted July 26, 2012 Share Posted July 26, 2012 A young Ozzie lad walked into a bar in Vietnam and was greeted with a "G'day sport" by a very pretty Australian girl. After about an hour talking about Oz, the lad said "It's pretty quiet in here, fancy gouing round the back for a quick shag?" Blushing profoundly the young shiela said no, I hardly know you. "Go on" said bruce I'll give you 200 Aussie bucks" After all of thirty seconds Shiela said "Oh ok then, after all the pay here is very poor" This went on for another four days. After the fith day they were talking in the bar and Shiela said that although wev'e been very intamate I hardly know you, like where about in Australia do you come from? "Perth" Bruce replied "well so do I, where about in Perth do you live" “Victoria Park” “Well what a small world, I was brought up there. Whereabout in Victoria Park?” “Duncan Street, number 26” “Crikey, I don’t believe it. That’s where my dad lives, at number 25, do you know him? “I certainly do, when he found out I was going to Vietnam he gave me a thousand bucks to give you” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sacha Posted July 31, 2012 Share Posted July 31, 2012 A guy goes to a fancy costume party wearing only a glass jar on his penis. A woman asks, "What are you?" He says, "I'm a fireman." "But you're only wearing a glass jar," says the woman. "Exactly! In an emergency, break glass, pull knob and I'll come as fast as I can!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mike1949 Posted August 3, 2012 Share Posted August 3, 2012 A bloke goes to a fancy dress party complety naked covered in green spray paint carrying his girlfiend on his back who is also complety naked covered in brown spray paint. The doorman says "Who are you coming as?" "A turtle" he says. "OK", but who is that on your back? "Thats Michelle" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mike1949 Posted August 4, 2012 Share Posted August 4, 2012 A lady goes to the dentist, when in the chair she says. "I don't know what's worse, having a tooth out or having a baby" The dentist replied "Hurry up and make up your mind so I'll know which tool to use" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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