Moderator mervin Posted September 29, 2011 Moderator Posted September 29, 2011 The writer of allo allo died recently his family said he pissed away in his slop
Moderator drewpy Posted September 30, 2011 Moderator Posted September 30, 2011 A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church. He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down. There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies who appear to have mislaid their garments. He hears a priest come in: "Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be". The priest replies, "Get out, you idiot. You're on my side!"
daveye Posted October 1, 2011 Posted October 1, 2011 magic eye just thought this was cool as it actually works Dave
mike1949 Posted October 2, 2011 Posted October 2, 2011 WOMEN - Two female friends are catching up: - So, how was your evening last night? - A disaster! After getting home, my dear beloved hubby wolfed down in 4 minutes the dinner that took me all afternoon to prepare, "granted" me 3 minutes of passionate love before rolling over and falling asleep 2 minutes later. And you? - Oh, mine was incredible. My hubby was waiting for me to get back home from work.. He took me out for a very romantic dinner. We then walked back home, under an amazing starry sky, along the canal, for a good two hours. Once home, he lit up all the candles we had and our foreplay lasted for an hour. We then made love for another hour and then we chatted until late. It was wonderfull.... MEN - Meanwhile, at the pub, the husbands are "networking"...: - So, how was your evening last night? - Great! When I came home, the food was ready. I ate, we shagged and I fell asleep. You? - A nightmare! I came home earlier to fix the kitchen shelf. When I switched on the power drill, the fuse went out. The whole house went into darkness. Couldn't find the bloody fusebox, so when my better half arrived, I took her out. It was the only thing to do to avoid getting an earfull... Dinner was so expensive that I couldn't afford the taxi back home, so we had to walk home. Once there, the house was still in the dark, obviously, so I had to light all these f*cking candles to avoid knocking everything down. I was so wound up that it took me an hour to get a hardon, and another one to come. In the end, I was so p!ssed off that it took me ages to fall asleep, while she kept yapping on and on about everything and nothing... Brilliant Merve :D :D Even the missus laughed. And that, believe me is a first!
Moderator drewpy Posted October 2, 2011 Moderator Posted October 2, 2011 not for me , it just makes me go bog eyed. that's just looking in the miror Kev!
Moderator drewpy Posted October 2, 2011 Moderator Posted October 2, 2011 A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?" (folks, you're gonna luv this) The bank manager looks back at her and says... "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
Moderator drewpy Posted October 2, 2011 Moderator Posted October 2, 2011 Wooo! Wooooo! Woooooo! Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods. All of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave. 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering,'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about,. 'Was the other Indian crazy or what?' The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered,'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'Immediately, there was the answer..'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave.As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking,'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found.There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran.The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read.................NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!
Moderator mervin Posted October 2, 2011 Moderator Posted October 2, 2011 A group of Indians gathered around the chief and asked if they were going to have a cold winter. Being a modern day Indian, and not aware of ancient secrets, the chief had no idea. In order to save face however, he advised the tribe to gather wood and prepare for a cold winter. A few days later the Indian decides to seek some help from the National Weather Service, and was told by a meteorologist that “indeed they were expecting a cold winter.” The Indian then advised the tribe to gather even more wood. After a few weeks, the Indian felt like he should check in with the National Weather Service to make sure everything was on course, “Does it still look like a cold winter?” asked the Indian. “It sure does,” said the meteorologist, “in fact, it looks like a VERY cold winter ahead.” The Indian then advised the tribe to gather every piece of scrap wood in sight. Finally with winter right around the corner, the Indian checked in one more time. “Does it still look like a cold winter,” he asked. “You bet,” said the meteorologist, “in fact, we are expecting one of the coldest winters on record.” “Really,” said the Indian, “how can you be so sure?” “Because the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!” said the meteorologist.
daveye Posted October 2, 2011 Posted October 2, 2011 A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?" (folks, you're gonna luv this) The bank manager looks back at her and says... "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone." first thought was oh fer fooks sake lol
Moderator mervin Posted October 9, 2011 Moderator Posted October 9, 2011 from Jethro I went to a nightclub t'other nite, and there was the ugliest woman there I have ever seen. Now I know ugly women, but she abuses the privilege! And she is bleddy enormous! She came up to me and said 'If you can guess my weight I will sleep with you right now'! Awww heeeelllll! So I turned to her and said '284 tonnes'! She said 'Well thats close enough I spose'!!!
Moderator mervin Posted October 16, 2011 Moderator Posted October 16, 2011 Took a girl home after clubbing last night. After a few drinks at mine, we went upstairs & while we were taking our clothes off a voice came from the bed and said "I hope thats not that fat one from last week". The girl said "What the f**k was that?" "I said its that Bloody memory foam mattress"
Moderator mervin Posted October 22, 2011 Moderator Posted October 22, 2011 Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.' The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response. The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.' The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!' The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.' 'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch. Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head. 'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?' The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'
Moderator mervin Posted November 21, 2011 Moderator Posted November 21, 2011 A rabbit one day managed to break free from a laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. "WOW! This is great," he thought. It wasn’t long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight: lots if other bunny rabbits - all free and nibbling at the lush green grass. "Hey," he called out. "I’m a rabbit from the laboratory over there and I’ve just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?" "Yes. Come and join us, " they all cried out. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. "What else do you do wild rabbits do?" he asked. "Well," one of them said, "you see that field over there? Its got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them." This he couldn’t resist and he spent the next hour gorging on the most succulent carrots he had ever tasted. "They are wonderful" he told his new friends. Much later, he asked them again: "What else do you do?" "You see that field there in the distance? Its got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well". The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned some hours later, completely full of lettuce. "Is there anything else you guys do?" he asked. One of the other rabbits came close to him and spoke softly: "There is one other thing you must try." Pointing to a bunch of rabbits in the far corner of the field, he said "They’re girl rabbits. We shag them. Go and try it." Well, our friend spent the rest of the afternoon screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back to his male friends. "That was fantastic," he panted. "So are you going to live with us then?" one of the asked. "I’m sorry. I had a great time. Believe me, but I can’t". The wild rabbits all stared at him in amazement. "Why? We thought you liked it here." "I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the laboratory.... I’m dying for a smoke!"
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