Battered Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 The midwife came out to me and said "Congratulations, your the father of 3 beautiful boy triplets". Feeling proud and manly, I joked "That's because my cock is like a chimney, you see". "Well" replied the midwife, "I would get it fucking swept if I was you because they are all black".
Battered Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 What did Saint George and Amy Winehouse have in common? They both enjoyed chasing dragons.
Battered Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 BBC News: Should we stop Eastern immigration? Lets see what the polls have to say.
Battered Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 I've decided that I've got super sperm. The proof? I've been going out with my girlfriend for three weeks and the doctor says shes 4 months pregnant.
Battered Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 Why did the Polish man cross the road? He took the chicken's job.
Battered Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 Just seen a fat bird wearing a t-shirt which says "I love Hip Hop" I think the 'C' and the 'S' have fallen off.
Battered Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 I didn't realise I was getting old till I was watching a porno yesterday and thought, "fuck me that sofa looks comfy"
Moderator mervin Posted August 24, 2011 Moderator Posted August 24, 2011 My racing snail seems to have lost a bit of speed lately. After talking to an 'expert' in the pub I was advised to remove its shell to reduce weight so I tried this but it hasn't done any good. If anything it's made it more sluggish
2 Wheels Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money. After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office. The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to dep osit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money . The elderly woman replied that she made bets. The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?' The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I'll bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.' The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?' 'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.' 'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you d on't mind I would like to come back at 10 ' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently. That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet. The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square. The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. So that she and her lawyer could see clearly. The president was happy to oblige. The elderly woman came closer so she could see bette r and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.' The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Royal Bank of Canada !'
Moderator mervin Posted September 2, 2011 Moderator Posted September 2, 2011 a woman is in hospital having a labia reduction operation , on coming around from the anesthetic she spots three bouquets of flowers "who are they from ?? " she asks groggily !! "well ones from me !" says the surgeon " it has been one of my finest jobs and i am justifiably proud of it !!" " the other is from your husband who is also over the moon with it !!" " so who's the third bouquet from then ??? " she asks the surgeon replies "oh !! , little johnny on the burns ward says " , "thanks for the new ears !"
Moderator drewpy Posted September 2, 2011 Moderator Posted September 2, 2011 If Iran attacked Turkey from the rear . . . . would Greece help?
mike1949 Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 This very elderly lady went to her local doctor and said. "Doctor, I'm having problems with my Averies" "No madam," Said the doctor " ladies have overies" "Yes I know, but I'm having trouble with my averies" "Ok" said the doctor, lye on the couch and I will sort you out. "Blimey madam, you might be right, you've certainly had a cockatoo up there!"
trumpetdude Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 Beyonce has just found out that Roy Castle was her real father, however, she has decided that she won't be using his surname.
trumpetdude Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 Performance problem...I took the shell off my racing snail to make him go faster but he seems more sluggish...
Moderator mervin Posted September 20, 2011 Moderator Posted September 20, 2011 I saved my mistress' phone number as 'LOW BATTERY'. Whenever she calls and I'm not around, the missus takes the phone and plugs it to the charger unknowingly. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Saw a chameleon today. So I guess it's safe to say it was a pretty useless chameleon. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- America has reached a total national debt of 14.3 Trillion. They only asked Wonga for £200 until the end of the month. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb? Lots, but they must all have the same name. As the say "Many Hans make light work!"
Moderator mervin Posted September 27, 2011 Moderator Posted September 27, 2011 WOMEN - Two female friends are catching up: - So, how was your evening last night? - A disaster! After getting home, my dear beloved hubby wolfed down in 4 minutes the dinner that took me all afternoon to prepare, "granted" me 3 minutes of passionate love before rolling over and falling asleep 2 minutes later. And you? - Oh, mine was incredible. My hubby was waiting for me to get back home from work.. He took me out for a very romantic dinner. We then walked back home, under an amazing starry sky, along the canal, for a good two hours. Once home, he lit up all the candles we had and our foreplay lasted for an hour. We then made love for another hour and then we chatted until late. It was wonderfull.... MEN - Meanwhile, at the pub, the husbands are "networking"...: - So, how was your evening last night? - Great! When I came home, the food was ready. I ate, we shagged and I fell asleep. You? - A nightmare! I came home earlier to fix the kitchen shelf. When I switched on the power drill, the fuse went out. The whole house went into darkness. Couldn't find the bloody fusebox, so when my better half arrived, I took her out. It was the only thing to do to avoid getting an earfull... Dinner was so expensive that I couldn't afford the taxi back home, so we had to walk home. Once there, the house was still in the dark, obviously, so I had to light all these f*cking candles to avoid knocking everything down. I was so wound up that it took me an hour to get a hardon, and another one to come. In the end, I was so p!ssed off that it took me ages to fall asleep, while she kept yapping on and on about everything and nothing...
Noise Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 How do you know that you have a high sperm count? When the missus has to chew before she swallows!
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