mike1949 Posted April 29, 2011 Share Posted April 29, 2011 A Barnsley man walks in to the Veterinary Surgery. " Nah then Vet. Mi cat's not reet well." says the man. " Is it a Tom? " asks the Vet. " No, ahve brought it wi' mi." says the man. Well done James, I got it, only because I watch Heartbeat. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator Cynic Posted April 29, 2011 Moderator Share Posted April 29, 2011 magic eye I'd love to know how this shit works....... I didn't think i was wasting my time Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator mervin Posted May 1, 2011 Moderator Share Posted May 1, 2011 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator mervin Posted May 4, 2011 Moderator Share Posted May 4, 2011 Supposedly true letter Dear Mr Addison, I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise. I will address them, as ever, in order. Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a "begging letter". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a "tax demand". This is how we at the Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of accuracy, traditionally referred to such documents. Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and pissant gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision to "file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies" is at best a little ill-advised. In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin" or, come to that, a "sodding charity". More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain, with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole. Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services", a moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned party" yourself. The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles" and "dancing whores" whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for example, "that box-ticking facade of a university system." A couple of technical points arising from direct queries: 1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins" on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system; 2. You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrow of those with nothing else to give" has never been considered as a practice because even if the Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer medical logistics involved would make it financially unviable. I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out that even if you did choose to "give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in India" you would still owe us the money. Please send it to us by Friday. Yours sincerely, H J Lee Customer Relations Inland Revenue Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator Airhead Posted June 10, 2011 Moderator Share Posted June 10, 2011 Black Irish Art The National Art Gallery in Dublin , a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely baffled. The painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but strangely the one in the middle was equipped with a pink one. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. 'In fact', he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society'. After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?' 'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?', asked the couple. 'Because I am the artist who painted the picture,' he replied. 'In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three ordinary Irish coalminers. The guy in the middle went home for lunch. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator drewpy Posted June 10, 2011 Moderator Share Posted June 10, 2011 Black Irish Art :lol: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2 Wheels Posted June 19, 2011 Share Posted June 19, 2011 40 Gypsies arrive at the Pearly Gates in their Transit vans and caravans. St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying. 'I've got 40 travellers here. Can I let them in?' God says 'We are over quota on Pikeys. Go out and tell them to choose between them which are the 12 most worthy, and I will let just a dozen in.' Less than a minute later St Peter is on the phone to God again. 'They've gone :o , he tells God. 'What?' says God, 'All 40 of them?' 'No, the gates' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator mervin Posted August 4, 2011 Moderator Share Posted August 4, 2011 A man from Edinburgh is in court charged with Bu@@£ring his Cat. The Judge threw the case out because he'd never heard of a scotsman ever putting anything in the Kitty! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
up.yours Posted August 4, 2011 Share Posted August 4, 2011 :lol: :lol: yours are the best merv.. :lol: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Battered Posted August 4, 2011 Share Posted August 4, 2011 I told my Gran that I've got a new job where I have live sex on stage. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said "I'll ask my boss but I can't promise anything!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Battered Posted August 4, 2011 Share Posted August 4, 2011 What do you call a gay dinosaur? Elton Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Battered Posted August 4, 2011 Share Posted August 4, 2011 What's brown and sticky? Harvey Price eating a toffee apple. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Battered Posted August 4, 2011 Share Posted August 4, 2011 What do you call a cow with a turban on? A Mooslim. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Battered Posted August 4, 2011 Share Posted August 4, 2011 My wife bent over naked the other day and asked me "Where do you want to stick it big boy?" Apparently, in your sister was the wrong answer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Battered Posted August 4, 2011 Share Posted August 4, 2011 After tragically losing both her arms in a car crash I felt so sorry for my wife, so I helped her out where I could. I even tied a sponge to her face to help her wash the pots... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Battered Posted August 4, 2011 Share Posted August 4, 2011 I told the doctor that my pet gerbil Derek was dying. He said, "I'm a doctor. You need to see a vet." "I saw him this morning," I said, "and when I told him where Derek is, he told me to see you." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Battered Posted August 4, 2011 Share Posted August 4, 2011 I think my girlfriend has a nut allergy. She's ok with the bellend and the shaft, but as soon as my balls go in, she gets all teary eyed and starts coughing and choking. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Battered Posted August 4, 2011 Share Posted August 4, 2011 I'm posting this from the casualty dept. Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what I thought it was.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Battered Posted August 4, 2011 Share Posted August 4, 2011 A German walks past a Jew who is staring into an ashtray. ''Looking for someone?'', asked the German. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Battered Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 I asked a prostitute "how much for a shag?" "I only do hand jobs" she said "Why?" I asked "Because I've just started today and I have to do a week in hand" She replied. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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