mike1949 Posted October 11, 2009 Share Posted October 11, 2009 Mum & Dad had two twin boys aged 9 years. One morning when dad came down for breakfast before going to work he noticed his wife was in tears. "What ever is the matter?" he said "It's the twins Jimmy & Johney, they are driving me mad, every where we go they are always swearing using the "F" word, fuck this, fuck that, it's so embarrassing I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown." "Right" said dad "there is only one thing to to do, when one of them swears grab hold of the nearest thing and hit him with it, and I mean hit him hard, half kill the little sod, he won't swear again and his brother will take note and won't swear either." Next Morning Mum shouts up the stairs. "Jimmy,Johnney get down here and get get your breakfast!" When they finally get down to breakfast, mum says "Jimmey, what do want for breakfast?" "I'll have fucking cornflakes" said Jimmy Thats it!! thought mum She turned round and grabbed hold of the nearest thing she could see which was a cast iron frying pan. She grabbed hold of him by the throat, swung the frying pan and hit him on the head three times, let go of the frying pan, put him over her head in a half nelson twirled around three times and threw him into the fire place. "Right! Johnney, what do you want for breakfast?" Johnney replied "Well I'm definetly not having fucking cornflakes!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
barkwindjammer Posted October 11, 2009 Share Posted October 11, 2009 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mike1949 Posted October 11, 2009 Author Share Posted October 11, 2009 Have I lost you BWJ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
barkwindjammer Posted October 11, 2009 Share Posted October 11, 2009 Have I lost you BWJ? Hi Mike, sorry be back later on, Cheryl Cole is on the TV for an hour Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vic-fzr600 Posted October 11, 2009 Share Posted October 11, 2009 Hi Mike, sorry be back later on, Cheryl Cole is on the TV for an hour OOOHH, Cheryl Cole - I most definately would! Though Holly Willough-boobs wouldnt be too far down the list either! lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator DirtyDT Posted October 12, 2009 Moderator Share Posted October 12, 2009 Hi Mike, sorry be back later on, Cheryl Cole is on the TV for an hour What is said: "Hi Mike, sorry be back later on, Cheryl Cole is on the TV for an hour" What is meant: My other half has told me I must watch the X Factor with her..............Or else!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
barkwindjammer Posted October 12, 2009 Share Posted October 12, 2009 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mike1949 Posted October 16, 2009 Author Share Posted October 16, 2009 Mr Smith had a phone call from his local surgery requesting that he come into the surgery and speak to his doctor. "How soon do you want me to come in" Said Mr Smith "Put it this way, Mr smith, as soon as you put the phone down, put your coat on and come down" When he got there the receptionist said "Go straight into the doctor's room" "Right Mr Smith" said the doctor. "I will cut straight to the chase, I have some bad news for you" "Also, I have some very bad news for you. which would you like first? "Well, I suppose I'd better have the bad news first" "Right Mr Smith, I'm really sorry to have to say this to you but you only have three left weeks to live" "Golly gosh, if that's the bad news, what on earth is the very bad news?" "Well Mr Smith I am so very very sorry to say this . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "But I should have told you this three weeks ago" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mike1949 Posted October 17, 2009 Author Share Posted October 17, 2009 A man walked past a cafe and noticed a sign in the window saying "We'll serve you anything you want or we will give you £20.00 He goes in and asks for an elephants ear sandwich, Two minutes later the waiter comes back to his table and says "I'm sorry, but were right out of bread!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BillyO Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 lol classic p.s i watch x factor for one reason only to lads!! lol mrs says 'x factors on!!' i say 'oohhh damn again!!' secretly thinking YES!!!lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mike1949 Posted October 23, 2009 Author Share Posted October 23, 2009 An Englishman, Scotsman, and a Irishman got cought up in the French revolution. The first to go under the blade was the Englishman. He said "if I am going to be killed by Madamme Guillitine, I want to go face up so I can see her come to me. "Sacre Bleu" said the executineer "what a brave man" The lever was pulled and stopped only 5 millimetres from his neck. "Madamme Guillitine has spared you, you are free to go. The same happened to the Scotsman. When it came to the Irishman's turn, he also wanted to "face the blade" Just as the executineer was about to pull the lever the Irishman said "STOP" "I can see what the problem is, look, there's a nail sticking out just there" And before anybody moans, I am half Irish myself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator mervin Posted October 24, 2009 Moderator Share Posted October 24, 2009 A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter. Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age." "Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix out!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bloke gets home from work, his missus is moaning the kids are on holiday and have been playing her up all day making her life sheer hell, so she asks him if he will take em out for a pizza, ok he says. she hears 2 loud bangs from the garage, 2 minutes later he walks back into the kitchen and says, "wheres me pizza then" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ An octopus walks into a bar and says "I can play any musical instrument you like" Englishman gives him a guitar which he plays better than Jimi Hendrix. Irishman gives him a piano which he plays better than Elton John. Scotsman throws him a set of bagpipes. the octopus fumbles about for a couple of minutes, and the Scotsman says "What's wrong? can ye no play it?" The octopus says "Play it? I'm gonna **** her brains out once I get her pyjamas off!" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I was watching the news the other day and the chief of Police in New York said "We'll never forget 9-11" I thought you f**king better not, it's your phone number ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ----- I went into this chip shop and asked for fish and chips. The chap says, "The fish won't be long." I replied, "It better be f**king thick then." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?' ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- An Australian scientist has invented a bra which offers more support and prevents a woman's breasts from bouncing up and down. After announcing his invention, the scientist was taken outside where a large group of men beat the sh*t out of him. ------------------------------------------------------------ Husband says, "My olympic condoms have arrived tonight so I am going to wear a gold one." Wife says, "Why don't you wear a silver one and come second for a f**king change." ------------------------------------------------------------ A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free." The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!" ------------------------------------------------------------ As a painless way to save money, a young couple arranged that every time they have sex the husband puts his pocket change into a china piggy bank on the bedside table. One night while being unusually athletic, he accidentally knocked the piggy bank onto the floor where it smashes. To his surprise, among the masses of coins, there are hand- fuls of five and ten dollar bills. He asks his wife "What's up with all the bills?" To his wife which replies, "Well, not everyone is as cheap as you are." ------------------------------------------------------------ Two guys are drinking at a bar. The first says "Do you ever start thinking about something, and when you go to talk, you say something you don't mean?" The Second guy says "Yeah, I was at the airport buying plane tickets, and the chick behind the counter had these huge tits, and instead of asking her for 'two tickets to Pitts- burgh' I asked for 'two tickets to Titsburgh'." The First guy says, "Yeah, well I was having breakfast with my wife last week, and instead of saying 'Honey can you please pass me the sugar?', I said 'You've ruined my life you f**kING BITCH.'" ------------------------------------------------------------ Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted. ------------------------------------------------------------ Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long no matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.. The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming. But every now and then he'd hear an internal reassuring voice in his head that said: 'Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last.... And you're single. Just let it go.' But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality. Whispering..... Dave....... Dave......... Dave........ ..........you're a vet Dave. ------------------------------------------------------------ An Indian Mystery revealed. Finally someone has cleared this up for me .. For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with marriage or religion, but the Indian High Commission in Canberra has recently revealed the true story. When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won :- A -a taxi licence in Adelaide, B -a convenience store in Melbourne, C- a service station in Perth, D- a kebab shop in Brisbane or E- a take away cafe in Sydney. If there is nothing there, he must take a job in India answering telephones giving technical advice to Telstra and Optus customers in Australia. ----------------------------------------------------------- "My cousin is an agoraphobic homosexual, which makes it kind of hard for him to come out of the closet." --Bill Kelly ------------------------------------------------------------ After a session of sweaty sex, a satiated man lay in bed cuddling his new girlfriend as she stroked his limp d!ck. Enjoying the caresses, he smiled and said, "You really seem to like to play with that." "I do," she cooed, "Because I really miss mine." ------------------------------------------------------------ A family of Aboriginals just moved in next door and their 3 kids have challenged me to a water fight, so l'm just emailing you to say hello while l wait for the kettle to boil. ------------------------------------------------------------ I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up. She turned out to be an undercover detective. How cool is that at her age?! ------------------------------------------------------------ "There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" -- Jay Leno Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mike1949 Posted October 30, 2009 Author Share Posted October 30, 2009 In the future if you died, you couldn't just go to heaven due to overcrowdness, you had to be selected. Mr Smith put in his application form to go to heaven. Jesus came down to see him with a clipboard. "Right Mr Smith, you want to go to heaven, no problem, all you have to do is answer no to the following four questions and you will be submitted, easy, yes? Right. "Do you drink alcohol?" "well yes, I always have a drink to celebrate your birthday." Jesus put a cross next to the box "Do you smoke?" "Again, yes I like to have a cigar on your birthday" Jesus put a cross next to the box "Do you swear?" "To be honest yes I do" Jesus put a cross next to the box "Last question, do you indulge in any sexual activities" "Blimey Jesus, of course I do or I wouldn't have any children, would I" Jesus put a cross next to the box "Right" Said Jesus. "You seem like a nice man, if I come back in a years time and you say no to all of those questions I will let you into heaven." ONE YEAR LATER "Right Mr Smith, in the last year have you drank any alcohol?" "NO, not one drop of booze has touched my lips in the last twelve months" Jesus put a tick next to the box "Have you inhaled any tobacco in the last year? "NO, not one bit of nicotine has entered my lungs in the last twelve months" Jesus put a tick next to the box "Have you swore in the last year?" "NO, not one blasthemy has came out of my mouth in the last twelve months" Jesus put a tick next to the box "Right, Mr Smith, just one last question and if you answer yes you are in." "In the last twelve months have you participated in any sexual activities? "Ah, I was afraid you were going to ask that,I went eleven months and three weeks without any sexual activity, but the wife was bent over the freezer and I couldn't help but go behind her and give her one." "I'm so sorry" Said Jesus. " But I can't let you into heaven" "No, I didn't think you would, because I'm not allowed into Icelands either!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
barkwindjammer Posted October 30, 2009 Share Posted October 30, 2009 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mike1949 Posted October 30, 2009 Author Share Posted October 30, 2009 "Thats the man that told me the joke!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mike1949 Posted October 30, 2009 Author Share Posted October 30, 2009 "Thats the man that told me the joke!" IN FACT I had a dream last night I died and went to hell. "Hang on a minute, I've been a good boy and I should be in heaven!" "Everybody says that" said the devil "Yes but I have, ask BJW" "OK, said the devil, if you want to get out of here and go up to heaven there is one thing you can do, which is to shag the oldest and ugliest slag that has been sent down here" "Of course I will" I said After shagging the most ugliest oldest whitch ever the devil said "OK bring your bags and come with me and I will show you out" After walking past a few rooms I noticed Barkwindjammer shagging Kim Bassinger. "Hang on a minute" "How come I have got to shag the most ugliest slag in hell and BJW gets to shag Kim Bassinger?" "Well" said the devil "Some women like to get out of here as well!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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