mike1949

A man sitting in a restaurant on his own notices a young girl a few tables away sitting on her own. "excuse me miss, but I couldn't help but notice that you are sitting on your own, would you care to join me for dinner?" "WHAT! GO HOME WITH YOU?", Said the young girl. "No, all I asked you is if you wanted to join me for dinner" "WHAT! SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" "No, no, no, you got it all wrong, all I asked you to do was to have dinner with me" "WHAT! HAVE SEX WITH YOU!" Very embarrassed, the man went back to his table Five minutes later, the young girl approached the mans table "I'm very sorry to have embarrassed you but I'm a research student studying human reactions in embarrassing situations, of course I would love to have dinner with you. "WHAT! £50 QUID, YOU MUST BE JOKING!"

I had a personel number plate on an old Cavalier, the only thing is I had to change my name by deed poll to B319 UUR

IN FACT I had a dream last night I died and went to hell. "Hang on a minute, I've been a good boy and I should be in heaven!" "Everybody says that" said the devil "Yes but I have, ask BJW" "OK, said the devil, if you want to get out of here and go up to heaven there is one thing you can do, which is to shag the oldest and ugliest slag that has been sent down here" "Of course I will" I said After shagging the most ugliest oldest whitch ever the devil said "OK bring your bags and come with me and I will show you out" After walking past a few rooms I noticed Barkwindjammer shagging Kim Bassinger. "Hang on a minute" "How come I have got to shag the most ugliest slag in hell and BJW gets to shag Kim Bassinger?" "Well" said the devil "Some women like to get out of here as well!"

"Thats the man that told me the joke!"

In the future if you died, you couldn't just go to heaven due to overcrowdness, you had to be selected. Mr Smith put in his application form to go to heaven. Jesus came down to see him with a clipboard. "Right Mr Smith, you want to go to heaven, no problem, all you have to do is answer no to the following four questions and you will be submitted, easy, yes? Right. "Do you drink alcohol?" "well yes, I always have a drink to celebrate your birthday." Jesus put a cross next to the box "Do you smoke?" "Again, yes I like to have a cigar on your birthday" Jesus put a cross next to the box "Do you swear?" "To be honest yes I do" Jesus put a cross next to the box "Last question, do you indulge in any sexual activities" "Blimey Jesus, of course I do or I wouldn't have any children, would I" Jesus put a cross next to the box "Right" Said Jesus. "You seem like a nice man, if I come back in a years time and you say no to all of those questions I will let you into heaven." ONE YEAR LATER "Right Mr Smith, in the last year have you drank any alcohol?" "NO, not one drop of booze has touched my lips in the last twelve months" Jesus put a tick next to the box "Have you inhaled any tobacco in the last year? "NO, not one bit of nicotine has entered my lungs in the last twelve months" Jesus put a tick next to the box "Have you swore in the last year?" "NO, not one blasthemy has came out of my mouth in the last twelve months" Jesus put a tick next to the box "Right, Mr Smith, just one last question and if you answer yes you are in." "In the last twelve months have you participated in any sexual activities? "Ah, I was afraid you were going to ask that,I went eleven months and three weeks without any sexual activity, but the wife was bent over the freezer and I couldn't help but go behind her and give her one." "I'm so sorry" Said Jesus. " But I can't let you into heaven" "No, I didn't think you would, because I'm not allowed into Icelands either!"

Same problem myself. But same cable was corroded at the other end where cable goes into a block connector before going to starter solenoid. Just goes to show that continuity testers are a valuable part of the toolkit. When you think about it bikes are exposed to a lot more wet weather than cars.

An Englishman, Scotsman, and a Irishman got cought up in the French revolution. The first to go under the blade was the Englishman. He said "if I am going to be killed by Madamme Guillitine, I want to go face up so I can see her come to me. "Sacre Bleu" said the executineer "what a brave man" The lever was pulled and stopped only 5 millimetres from his neck. "Madamme Guillitine has spared you, you are free to go. The same happened to the Scotsman. When it came to the Irishman's turn, he also wanted to "face the blade" Just as the executineer was about to pull the lever the Irishman said "STOP" "I can see what the problem is, look, there's a nail sticking out just there" And before anybody moans, I am half Irish myself.

Thin Lizzy!! Fantastic! Was he in the line up for "Whiskey in the jar"? Phil Lynott was fantastic! Did you know he was married to Leslie Crowther's daughter.

"We'll wait for you" came the reply.... That is terrible, in my job as fork lift driver in goods in I always say to drivers if your going to be late ring in and let me know and I will hang on, and hang on I do! By the way "who is Gary Moore?" bearing in mind I'm 60

A golfer rushed into the 19th hole(clubhouse) and shouted "Is there a doctor here?, a lady golfer has been hit by a golf ball" "yes" a doctor replied. "where was she hit?" "Between the first and second hole" replied the golfer "Oh dear" said the doctor "There won't be enough room to put a plaster there."

My divvy has been like that for years and get through the MOT no trouble, what I've done is smear silicone around the top of the dust seals to halt the cracking.

A man walked past a cafe and noticed a sign in the window saying "We'll serve you anything you want or we will give you £20.00 He goes in and asks for an elephants ear sandwich, Two minutes later the waiter comes back to his table and says "I'm sorry, but were right out of bread!"

Mr Smith had a phone call from his local surgery requesting that he come into the surgery and speak to his doctor. "How soon do you want me to come in" Said Mr Smith "Put it this way, Mr smith, as soon as you put the phone down, put your coat on and come down" When he got there the receptionist said "Go straight into the doctor's room" "Right Mr Smith" said the doctor. "I will cut straight to the chase, I have some bad news for you" "Also, I have some very bad news for you. which would you like first? "Well, I suppose I'd better have the bad news first" "Right Mr Smith, I'm really sorry to have to say this to you but you only have three left weeks to live" "Golly gosh, if that's the bad news, what on earth is the very bad news?" "Well Mr Smith I am so very very sorry to say this . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "But I should have told you this three weeks ago"

He asked me to be Sexuall advisor to the board. When I asked what entails, he said "When I want your fucking advice I'll ask for it!

Have I lost you BWJ?

Mum & Dad had two twin boys aged 9 years. One morning when dad came down for breakfast before going to work he noticed his wife was in tears. "What ever is the matter?" he said "It's the twins Jimmy & Johney, they are driving me mad, every where we go they are always swearing using the "F" word, fuck this, fuck that, it's so embarrassing I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown." "Right" said dad "there is only one thing to to do, when one of them swears grab hold of the nearest thing and hit him with it, and I mean hit him hard, half kill the little sod, he won't swear again and his brother will take note and won't swear either." Next Morning Mum shouts up the stairs. "Jimmy,Johnney get down here and get get your breakfast!" When they finally get down to breakfast, mum says "Jimmey, what do want for breakfast?" "I'll have fucking cornflakes" said Jimmy Thats it!! thought mum She turned round and grabbed hold of the nearest thing she could see which was a cast iron frying pan. She grabbed hold of him by the throat, swung the frying pan and hit him on the head three times, let go of the frying pan, put him over her head in a half nelson twirled around three times and threw him into the fire place. "Right! Johnney, what do you want for breakfast?" Johnney replied "Well I'm definetly not having fucking cornflakes!"

That is fantastic BWJ

I concur! There's nothing better than a teeshirt with Micky Mouse nose's showing through.

The pipe coming from the bottom? of the fuel is only an overflow if you fill tank too high, only fill up to the bottom if fuel filler neck. The one from the air filter if it is a larger dia pipe should be connected to the crankcase breather outlet on RH side of engine near to end of clutch cable. The clicking noise is not the tappets, for the life of me I can't remember what it is now.

If you accumulate 6 points within the first two years after passing your test you will be banned and will have to retake the test again.

Was he laying Easter eggs?

Iv'e used fog city about 15 years ago and it really does work, but when you get a new helmet or visor and realise the clarity of a visor without it you have seconds thoughts about fitting another. But yes it really does work on a cold damp morning. My personal preference is to ride with visor partly open.

I wouldn't be surprised if someone tries to jerk it off.

No, definitely not. In fact the heading says it all. The only damage to the bike is a piece missing out of the bottom of the indicator lens and brake lever bent.

What about discussing the declining coffee bean situation in the southern states of northern Nicuagra?