mike1949

That would be a good one for me to join. When I was born I was so ugly the midwife slapped my mum,

I've heard that You Tube/Twitter & Facebook are going to merge. It's going to be called YOU TWIT FACE. (just as well Twitter isn't called Twatter)

Hi Rev, from what part of the neck of the woods are you from?

That reminds me, I don't know if you remember, but in the eighties Walkers Crisps and Durex got together to introduce crisp flavoured condoms. When I went down to the pub one night while the wife stayed at home knitting she said bring some home after you've had as much beer as you like and I will try and guess what type of crisp flavour they are. Three hours later when I came home the worse for the ware, she said, right, let me see if I can guess what flavour it is. "CHEESE & ONION" she said. "Hang on a minute" I said, "I haven't put it on yet"

They should have never got rid of horses. If they go wrong all they have to do is shoot it and get another one.

Effing Ell. Chin up, what. Keep smiling.

?????????????????????????

Homebase

Well done James, I got it, only because I watch Heartbeat.

I'd better go now because the wife's calling me from the bedroom, Mikey I need you, come up here now. I suppose she wants me to decorate the bedroom as well??

As Dick Emery would say "Have I got it wrong again dad?" Don't forget Jim, us sassenachs are twenty four hours behind you.

Thanks everybody. I've just came back from a romantic meal with my wife in a local brasserie where my daughters the waitress, and my wife's the chefs childminder. What more can I say? Anyway, that will be forgotten tomorrow, she's off to see her mum @ dad and expects me to start wallpapering the front room. Mike (buspass + 2)

That's what I meant to say,which is on the same par as "why did the submarine blush?" "Because she saw the Queen Mary's bottom"

Thanks everybody for your replies, I will do a bit of research on internet. The deciding factor for me to get one was I had to go from Chippenham to Bournmouth which took me about 90 minutes, but then took me an hour to get to where I had to go. Anyway, once again thanks for everybody's input.

Don't get me wrong here, but if you have always got to keep looking down at the satnav doesn't that take your eyes off the road? That's why I asked about earphones, more for verbal directions rather than visual.

That's as bad as saying "Why did Avon blush?" "Because Max Fact her"

No. Thanks DDT But with a helmet on, how do you hear directions?

Up til now I have been printing Google Maps to get me from A to B. I've got to B, but can't seem to be able to get to the final destination. Would a Satnav be better? If so, which one would be better for a bike? Do you need earphones for a satnav? Also, would an old fogey like me understand it?

An English man, a Scotchman sorry Jim. A Scotsman and an Irishman ended up on a desert island and for some reason was arrested,tried and found guilty of tresspassing. they were sentenced to 25 years in a solitary cell each. The tribal chief being a considerate man granted them one luxuary each that they could take with them. The Englishman said, "Well, I'm very partial to one of your lovely maidens" The Scottish gentleman said, "Well I do like a wee dram of the finest single malt" The Irishman said, "Well I'm very partial to a very good Havanna cigar" When they locked the Englishman up, they put a stunning young virgin native girl in with her. When they locked Jock up they filled his cell with single malt whiskey. When they locked Paddy up they filled his cell from floor to ceiling with the finest Cuban cigars you can get. 25 YEARS LATER When they opened the Englishman's cell he came out with a big smile on his face followed by a native girl and 25 kids. When they opened Jocks cell he came out with the last bottle of the finest single malt and said "same again please" When they opened Paddy's cell he came out with a cigar in his mouth and said "has anybody got a light please?"

I don't know about how to make your own WD40, but I do know how to make your own anti-freeze. "Take her nightie off!" :lol: :lol:

Paddy got shipwrecked and ended up on a deserted dessert island. After three days without food or drink he came across a genie lamp, after rubbing it a genie appeared. "Thank you, thank you, thank you!" said the genie, I have been waiting for three hundred years for someone to release me so I will grant you three wishes, what would you like? "Well" said Paddy, "The first thing I would like is an ice cold pint of draught guinness" All of a sudden an ice cold pint of draught guinness appeared by his side. He downed it in one go and put the glass back to which by his amazement it refilled itself. "It's a selffilling glass" replied the genie. After drinking three more pints the genie said. "Not wishing to hurry you, but I've been waiting three hundred years for this moment so could you let me know what your other two wishes are so I can get on with a lot of catching up" "Certainly" replied Paddy pointing to the refilled pint of guinness. "I'll have another two of those please"

That reminds me of when the wife took the car out for the first time to visit her mum and dad just after she passed her driving test. I was a bag of nerves. After about 15 minutes of driving, she phoned me to say she had broken down and could I help. "What's the problem? I asked. "The carbuaretta is flooded" She said. "Blimey" "How do you know that?" "Because the car's in the river!"

A very posh lesbion lady went to her gynocol, gynocologist,doctor that looks after her fanny. After examining her the doctor says, "I say Mrs Farquhar-Pemberton, your vagina looks in very good condition" "Yes" the lady says, "I have a cleaner in twice a week"

Why do nuns always go out in pairs? So one nun can see the other nun gets none. Two nuns riding bicycles down a cobbled street. One nun says "I've never come this way before" 11 was a racehorse, 12 was one too, 11 won a race, 12 won one too. Whats the fastest fish in the world? A motorpike. The Lone Ranger came across Tonto lying down on the grass with his ear to the ground. "What's going on Tonto?" "Stagecoach, four passengers,one driver and shotgun guard" "Effing ell Tonto, you mean you can tell all that just by listening with your ear to the ground?" "No!" said Tonto. "The fucking thing just run over me!" The Lone Ranger and Tonto were surrounded by hundreds of hostile indians wearing war paint. "Well Tonto, we've been best of friends for twenty years, we've stuck up for each other through thick and thin, we've helped each other, we've always looked after each other, now it looks likes we'll die together" Tonto says. "What you mean we, white man? Sign outside a restaurant, We will serve you anything you order or give you £20.00 cash back on your bill. Customer. "I'll have an elephants ear sandwich please" Waiter. "I'm sorry sir, but were right out of bread."

A couple making love on the beach. The girl says. "Do you think you can get your testicles in as well?" "I'll give it a go" says the boy, "does that turn you on then?" "No, but it will stop you flicking sand up my arse though!"