Gas up - Let's Go!

You just can't help yourself !! Steve will be beside himself now........... Good for you, get out there and have a ball. (sorry, I'm taken - but we'd just fall out anyway. I'm always right, I suspect you are too!)

Hmmm,,,, Saffron isn't indiginous to the Indian sub-continent, so I'm wondering why they would use a largely meditterranean (as well the middle east) spice ?? And given that India has been a very poor country (until recent history) how would they afford the worlds most expesive spice ?? Besides, Saffron , in the quantities required (apart from the cost), would make the Korma bitter....... Would it not ??

Perhaps, as you are so keen to protect 'our' laws, you might want to consider how you have just breached them. You are verging on Incitiment to Racial Hatred Details Here 'our laws', 'we didn't ask' 'our troops' Are you 100% sure of your lineage ? not of Norman, or Roman decent perhaps? There are few in this country who can trace their lineage back, so there are few who can claim this as thier own, with the exception of perhaps the Scots, Welsh and Irish. Me, I believe I'm of Scandanavian decent, I live here by the grace of my forefathers, under the protection of what they fought to preserve. I'm keen to understand how you consider someone to be a member of the 'our' country -> As a country that's legal system lives uner the banner "in God we trust", who has seen itself fit to appoint it's very own Christian Leader (the Queen), and denounced all other faiths (this is historical fact, as it is still illegal to have a monarch who is anything other than CofE), does anyone who is not C of E not belong ?? Think about that, Catholic, Muslim, Mormon, Jehovah's Witness's, Buddist, Sikh etc. Or is it as simple as ethnic background. ??????

Unless you're a midget with size 2 feet, don't even think about it! My father-in-law had one for years, the pedals are off-centre to the steering wheel and normal sized feet are usless for using the pedals - honestly the only way I could drive it was without shoes on! If I pressed the clutch in, the brake would go on too!! If you want cheap, look for something more like an old (proper) mini, I had a 1l Cooper, with wide arches - the lot when I was 19. After Fiesta's and a stint with a mazda 626 it was the best car to date. Small, very but as quick as you like and you didn't need brakes (good job realy cos they sucked) as the road holding was the best. Something like this will cost you bugger all to insure. You can pick them up fairly cheap and spend the next 6 months sorting it out (subframe, welding, engine, brakes. Great cars and lots of real oldy world charm. Or, if your after something a bit more modern, stick to the ford/rover/vauxhall stuff, it'll be cheaper than the French cars (that cost a fortune when they go wrong). My missis had a 206cc, got quoted £350 for a new exhaust, so she traded for a new 307, looks nice but I'll not be funding repairs......

I feel for you guys who can't lock the bikes away in a secure place - Up here crime isn't really a problem (it happens but not as much as down there), my place is still like a vault. After an attempted theft last year I though good and hard about what I could do. I figured if they wanted it, they'd take it so I opted for a security policy that doesn't actually stop them, it's just about noise and time now. Might sound a bit off the wall, but I figured three £40 chains/locks that deter the scumbags for 2 minutes each is better than the £150 one that stops them for 6 or 7. I also opted for some other security that can be overcome - but makes noise. My last line of defence are the two dogs, lick you to death they would, but they can hear a pin drop 1/2 mile away - thier bark defies thier size, and they sound as mean as they come (as opposed to Goffs dog - that will probably eat you and leave a huge steaming pile of whats left after a day of so!). I really don't know what you can do if you have to park on the street/outside your house/front garden etc, I guess a Tracker is a wise investment - even if all it does is atch the scumbags, at least they'll get a slapped wrist........

Get out, you're just jealous co I've got all the money! Con, really, Nawwwwwww

Certainly should - even if you just discount it. There are alot of people moving over to these bikes. Not huge top end speed, but it's a different style of riding, a bit more of 'lifes a journey not a race' sort of thing. It's a capable trail bike certainly, and will go around the world if you want it to - but you need to make a few mods, such as tyres and suspension adjustments, if you want to ride the road you can firm up the suspension, stick with the stock tyres and away you go - straight out of the dealer. I think Yamaha are still doing the 'adventure pack' for around £600 - Panniers, Top Box, Centre Stand and Handguards, but it might have come to an end now, don't know. Other options are Touratech, MetalMule, Give, SW-Motech, kit for all budgets and applications.... Here's a few picts to get you thinking:

These things work, but don't expect any quality - there are a 'use once' tool, but at £9 what do you expect. http://www.jmldirect.com/product.asp?pf_id...l_JMLDirect_IRE However, you do need to 'crack' the thread first, a sharp tap with a hammer & puch should do the trick. Otherwise it's a case of drilling and extracting. Problem is, you only really get one chance to get them out, and if it in Alloy then you are in danger of pulling the helicoil out with it (the steel insert that you tighten against). It all depends on the type of screw, location condition etc Once you get it out, copper grease everything - unless it needs to be thread locked!! I can't understand why they use screws either, or for the few quid extra cost in production why they don't use SS and lubricate then properly!

I've just recieved this email, wow, I feel so happy that I'm now a rich man........ I am sure this mail would come to you as a surprise since we have never met before and you would also be asking why I have decided to chose you amongst the numerous internet users in the world. I cannot say why I have chosen you but don't be bothered about this, for I come in peace and something positive, which will affect your life and the lives of others for good. The internet has made the world global villages where you can reach anybody you have not met before. Before I proceed, I am Mother Emily Olivier, 87 Years old and the wife of Late Sir Jack man Olivier who died in a Plane crash on Monday the 7th of September 1998 GMT 14:22 UK while flying from New York to Geneva. You may confirm this from this link http://www.cnn.com/WORLD/9809/swissair.vic...list/index.html After the death of my husband, I headed his investment and now that I am old I have decided to spend the rest of my life with my family and relatives whom I never had time for during my active business life. Before the death of my husband, we had plans to use the last days of our lives to disburse part of our resources to serve the needs of the less-privileged and whatever left for ourselves and relatives. But unfortunately, my husband is not alive today to do this with me, hence I have decided it on behalf of my late husband and I. I have willed out half of our assets to Charities in different countries. In addition to the agreement between my late husband and I to give aid to the deprived, we resolved to positively touch the life of an individual we have not met in life, the reason being that when we were younger we received help from an unknown individual, whom we have not met till this day. The impact we got from such gesture made us to do same to you now. I am sorry to inform you that you will never have the chance to know me because I have just concluded the assignment which my husband and I have agreed upon before his sudden death and you happened to be the beneficiary of our last WILL, irrespective of your previous financial status, hence I need you to do me a favor by accepting our offer that will cost you nothing. I have deposited a Check valued at 800,000.00 Great British Pounds with FedEx to be delivered to you on your contact with them. So, contact FedEx COURIER SERVICE now with the contact details below to know when your package is scheduled for delivery to you due to the date on which the Check will mature and expire: Contact Person: Mr. Mark Robbins Email Address: [email protected] Phone: +44 702 4068759 For your information, I have paid for the delivery Charges and Insurance Premium. The only charges to be paid by you are 180.00 Great British Pounds, as security keeping for the Check so far. This would have been paid by me, but the company insisted that I should not, since the time you will contact them is not certain and to avoid accumulated security keeping fee. Try to contact the company fast on receiving this email to avoid further delays. Remember to ask them to provide you with the method of paying security keeping fee. You are to reconfirm the below information to them to avoid any mistake on the Delivery. Postal / Contact address; Full Names: Direct telephone number; Security keeping code of Check: (SCT/0433/F) Note: Neither should you thank me nor my husband, just invest wisely with the money given to you and do same to the life of another someday as this is the only way we can better our world. Also, I will no longer be reading my emails as I have retired completely to my ranch. Note that all further correspondences should be between you and the courier company. Sincerely Mrs. Emily Olivier Jackman NOw, to send off that £180 to them guys in Poland.......

Yep, the Varadero is a hard bike to beat for comfort, two up ability, agility and a good all rounder. At 6' you will have no worries with the Vara, it's a tall bike and well worth a look. The 1000 V-Twin out of the Firestorm gives you loads of power and a huge wad of bottom end torque that will pull you, your pillion, two panniers and a top box full of crap away from the lights as quick as any sportsbike (stick some Akrapovics and a power commander on and all but the brave will fall behind). OK, so why did I get rid ? I wanted something a little more Adventure, than Tourer (so now I have a Tenere - a whole different ball game as far as fun goes), whereas the Vara is more Tourer than Adventure (it will behave OK on tight gravel, but stay well clear of any mud!). Some riders suffer from buffeting around the head, and this may give you a problem. I'm 5'10" and never had any problem with this. The standard screen is adjustable and suprisingly I found it more comfortable on the lower setting - that said at 50-70mph you could light and smoke a fag (if you smoked), although as a non-smoker I've never tried. Fuel economy isn't great, expect around 200 miles from a tank of 20+ litres I feel a bit of a fraud, here on a Yamah site, giving the Honda a glowing review - but to be honest Yamaha don't have anything to compete in this market, the FJR is more Pan and the Fazers are more VFR. Rumour has it that there is a large capacity Tenere on the drawing board, this will be a tall bike also, but I suspect they will sell out very well (if the rumours are even true!) and is more aimed at the KTM/BMUU market. The Varadero (XL1000) is only really up against the V-Strom, and I thought they had stopped producing them. Dunno where you are, but Lloyds Honda in Carlisle are top blokes (speak to Steve or Anthony) and they do deliver nationally. I've had lots of bikes from them. If you want to find out more about these bikes try the UK Varadero Forum : http://www.honda-varadero-uk.org/forum/index.php Or, the Tenere ? getting difficult to get hold of again (I know where there is a spanking new red one - looks great in the flesh), tall bike, great weather protection (did well over 8000 miles in 19 days on mine last year) and as comfy as an armchair. They can also take you anywhere you want to go, road, trail, sand, snow, rock - you name it! simple 660 motor that goes 6000 miles between servicing, so in 12,000 miles about £300 cheaper than any Honda on servicing alone. Loads of luggage options around so you can pick and choose. You can find out from the owners the pro's and con's of these bikes here : http://www.xt660.com/index.php come over, say hello! I guess it's all down to your budget, but for the same price as a Transalp, you could have a Tenere. There are deals out there for 08 bikes at £4500 on the road.....

Imagine running, but breathing through a straw - well it's no that bad, but you'll get the picture. The trouble with the restricting kits is that they deal with the issue, and don't provide a solution. You are going to loose top end, but only a bit. you can keep the botom end by changing the front drive dog and taking a tooth out. Fosdyke speaks much truth, young one would be wise to follow. If you have the restriction certificate then good, don't mess with the restrictor kit - you can up the reponse of the 660 motor by making changes to the snorkel and air filter, these buggers need alot of air, and in standard for they just don't get it ......... there is more than one way to skin a rabbit.

OK, personally, I have some issues with the post by Scritty - nothing personal, but some of what you are saying just doesn't hold water. I know of the Security Clearance of which you speak - and I disagree, as well you know why - if indeed you have such clearence. And from what I have learned about this faith - the above all stands true. There is alot od mis-quoting of faith, and in all cases it is because someone is trying to get the upper hand, cause some shift in public opinion or just out to cause trouble. As I have said before, and to stay on topic, my issue is with the Police decided to do nothing, despite having the power to stop these vile individuals from spouting thier bile. Was it due to pressure to be 'seen' to be allowing free expression ?? I'm sorry, but posting some crap about whay one person said and trying to sumise that this is the belief of a large group of the population makes you no better than those who directed a plane into a building containing thousdands of people. This is a discusssion about a lawfull demonstration that really shouldn't have been allowed, if you feel somehow offended by that then I really don't give a crap - if you have some factual input, fine but what you have wrote is incorrect at best. This is not a "lets bash the muslims" thread. Mods - perhaps it's time to lock this thread ? It is moving in a direction that trancsends the bounderies ???

I've got the wind spoilers on the Tenere, considering they are very small, they are very effective. You can pick up a set of Oxford Heated grips for anywhere between £30 and £80 on Fleabagbay, they are the best value for money and much better than some of the cheap on/off type grips you can get. Akrop's have a great sound and in all the times I've fitted them there is a marked improvement in power bands.

These things are a mad looking machine!!! Just noticed, the hand guards are the same as the Tenere's!

There is a workshop manual on Fleabagbay for £5 on CD. I've one of these for the Tenere and they are really good if you've half an idea what your doing: http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/Yamaha-MT-03-MT03-MT...A1%7C240%3A1318

The motor is the same as the XT, and it's a semi-dry sump setup. On the XT there are two drain plugs, one is on the front of the frame (yep, the oil is in the frame) the other is by the gear selector - you need to drain both! The filter in on the side of the engine, a cover with three small bolts and a top 'vent' plug. It's a cartridge filter, and when you first start the engine up after putting the oil in, you need to 'prime' thefilter compartment by loosening the vent plug until oil comes out (it takes about a parsec and will put oil on the garage roof!), best to loosen a little bit at a time!! Not sure about the oil, I use Yamalube as supplied by the dealer (when I have to change the oil myself). Changing the oil in these things is a pain in the backside, you have to warm the thing up for 20 minutes before you can check the levels. It's an oil change (but no filter!!!) at 6K, then a full service at 12 - personally, I get a new filter when I get fresh oil (it's only a fiver after all). I'm sure someone with a MT-03 will come along and be more specific than I can be..... Welcome along anyway.

Lets consider somethign about the hand held devices for a moment. The old radar guns are defunct now, you might find them being used by community groups to monitor speeders through villages, past schools etc - but all they can do is ask the police to come and see you. You cannot be prosecuted for this, the oficer will be stern with you, and might even use words that sound like an official warning, but at the end of the day it means nothing. It can be used circumstantially in the even you end up in front of the beak though. Sorry, back to the guns used by the Police. These are based on a narrow beam of light that is reflected from a front reflective surface (normaly a number plate). as with all light there is some refraction as it travels and this is what the detector is picking up. So, Mr Policeman 'fires' his detector, and a beam of light hits the front of your bike (the detector goes off) and it reflects back to his reciever. You start to slow down - but it's already too late, you caught, photgraphed and as you go past/turn around he records your registration number! In some cases the vans have front, side and rear facing cameras to record you as you pass. So, do you really thing it's worth the cost of a detector ?? There is, and it's foolproof. Stay within the limit. Of course, if you're up to it you can work out your speed average as you go through the 'zone', put simply - if the zone is a 50mph, and you spend 30 seconds at 40mph, then you can spend the next 30 seconds at 60mph - your average is 50mph! These sorts of site have to give a little more 'lea way' too, if you were to put a piece of string in the straighest line through the zone it would be considerably shorter than if you travelled the zone in the same lane. They have to consider this as it is a viable defense - so the reality is you can get away with a few mph over without actually causing an alarm. This was a special case, if you are going to be an utter tit then you deserve all you get. Habitual offenders will get caught too, say you pass the same camera every day at the same time exceeding the limit - they are going to get you, and when they do they'll use all the weeks previous evidence to nail you, as in this case. If you pass a front facing camera, clearing the limit by 10 - 20 % on the odd time then you will get away with it - unless you have a 'one off' race replica suit etc. It depends how they are setup, if they work on the average speed through the shortest section (like the piece of string example above) then it makes no difference. They may allow for 60 or 70mph average through a 50mph zone, so no ammount of lane swapping is going to help you. Don't get me wrong I think the use of speed cameras is utterly wrong, I would much rather have more traffic officers as all offences can be caught not just speeders (drink drivers, drugs, Chavs etc) it would be much better. However in alot of cases the cameras are there for a reason (like two chavs in a row killed themselves in thier Saxo's), so if you are a bit more alert in these areas isn't that good ? Remember, if someone does something stupid, the guy on the bike will always get hurt.

Yip. and you need to consider some Breakdown cover (Carol Nash include zone 1 breakdown with the Comprehensive cover). More importantly, some good Holiday Insurance, and make sure it covers motorcycles, some exclude this as a dangerous sport!. The idea being is that in the event of a mishap, you are covered to get you and your bike back home. It depends on your own perspective. Sweden, Finland, Norway for sheer spectacular views - but long straight roads If this is your first time then Spain is always popular, Andalucia is brilliant, great roads, warm, good drivers. The ride through France can be a bit of a slog and if you get bad weather, it's really bad!! Obviously there is the Apline regions. Further afield, Latvia, Lithuania, Estonia are something else too. Only problem is Polish roads are a bit 'iffy' and not best suited to your chosen steed! In the same vein, stay well clear of Romania (it's a great place but the roads will destroy your bike). Greece is wonderfull too, the mountian passes through the north beat the Pyrenees and the Apline roads hands down. Italy - well, I wrote a whole blog page about this place. The driving standard is the worse in Europe, they will try to kill you. Drinking coffee, lipstick, taking phone calls, chatting (and looking at) to the passenger, all of these take priority to looking where they are going - and you don't even figure in their consideratins. Consider what you want out of it, how long you have and realistically how far you can travel in a day. Some bikes are good for 600 miles, (I rode from Portugal to Amsterdam in 25 Hours none stop last year - wouldn't suggest anyone trys this though, nearly killed me!) others will have you crippled in 200. I have a map of Europe and a piece of string with markings on it representing 400 miles (about a days riding) as the crow flies. work out how far you can get and then figure it out from thier. If this is your first time, then you'll enjoy whatever you do, but I'd recommend Spain. Take the Ferry to Bilboa/Santander and ride down throught the country. If you have a dig around my website you'll find some stuff that might be of help -> www.smokingtailpipes.com It needs updating but, there's lots of infor there.

The visor doesn't add anything in terms or structural stability - so as long as you removed it without damaging anything then you are fine. Visors are not compulsary, if you have one it must comply with the law. Sunglasses, however can be of any make/style etc as there is no legislation covering the use of these in terms of driving/riding as long as you are using them to protect your eyes from the effects of the sun/UV. The laughable part is, if you have an illegal visor they can make you remove it and ride without any protection - Even the police have lobbied for a change in the law. Apparently those in Westminister think we are all too stupid to change our visors when it gets dark, so the law stands. Fitting a tinted insert is also OK, as these can be removed - stupid rules these, I can change my visor (on the Shoei) in a minute with gloves on!). So unlikely, you'll win the lottery first. Visors, when fitted aren't going to shatter in this way, they'll compress, distort etc but I've never heard of one smashing. Not for wearing shades, or wearing an open face lid - they can pull you over for no reason at all, if they want to. If they do, stop like you mean to stop, kill the engine and get off the bike before the guys has got over to you. Be Nice. greet him/her with a good morning/afternoon/evening etc and let them kick off the conversation. Be Nice. The first 60 seconds makes all the difference between a telling off and a ticket (the old A' hole test - and you have to pass it). If you disagree with what they are saying, say so, but be nice, do it in a calm rational fashion. Explain your viewpoint . If you know you are in the wrong admit it, you can get away with things but normally only on technicalities and you really have to know the loop holes, so if in doubt take it like a man, you've been caught out so accept it. I got stopped for doing 98mph (a long time ago, when Police were properly trained, unlike todays fast tracks) and got away with a telling off and a nice slideshow of some dead people... .. It actually made me think, but I could have been all cocksure and ended up with lots of points and a day in court.

1st thing, the WR is a race bred bike, it's made to be light and fast, but Yamaha have it bang on with these single bore engines and it will last forever if looked after right. As for service, it depends what you do with it! normal road stuff and you'll need to stick with the factory advised intervals (6K I think) but if you are looking at Green Lanes then you ae going to spend more time with the spanners out. I run a TTR600E for green lanes and it gets an oil & filter change ever three months, brakes get a strip down at the same time and a full joint & cable lubrication. Once a year it gets a full dealer job, just to ensure it's all perfect. Road riding, how far are you planning to ride ?? If you equip your WR with knobblies then the road sections are noisy and you'll suffer from perculiar handling at speed, if you put road bias rubber on, then you'll be all over the place on slippy lanes. To get good road handling from knobblies then expect to be putting a new tyre on every 800 - 1000 miles! Fuel range is another consideration, the WR isn't designed as a mile muncher and the megre fuel tank reflects that. To be honest, if you want a dual sports bike then you'd be better off looking towards a XT600, or XT660 these are better suited to mixing it up. You can pick up a XT for less than you are going to pay for a WR too. The WR is more of a second bike, IMHO If you want to live on the dirt then the WR is a great bike, but you'll want to see a full dealer service history, as well as hearing all the nice extra maintenance it's had. That said, when it's time for the TTR to go, it'l be getting replaced with a WR450......... more specifically: How long do the engines last for if properley serviced - I've mentioed this How often do you have to service them - and this Is there a particular model and year to avoid or aim for - Not really, newer the better! Are there any particular things to look at when viewing to buy - Maintenance. check the brake calipers for crud, and the swing arm bearings for evidence of some grease. You want something that has been looked after. The fuel pipes are a bugger, so look for splits (it shows the tanks been off - good thing!) Does the overall design change after a certain year - these bike evolve over the years, and don't really have major changes. There are differences but the condition of the bike is more important What are the pros and cons of the wr450 - I think I've mentioned some already, but the seat, it's not that comfortable on long runs, a bit like sitting on a chair arm, great off-road though you can chuck it all over the place.

I'll second that. I work quite a bit down in the smoke, and I've been stopped 3 times on the street in the last year to have my bag searched. Not because they suspect anything, but to ensure the statistics are reflected as fair! I even have to complete a quetionaire to state my Colour, Ethinic background , Race, Religion. I've no idea what it's got to do with policing. I must confess that I have changed my Race, Religion and Ethinic backgrounds a couple of times, just to keep them guessing! The face on a PCSO (the ones that follow the real copper around, pretending) when I told him I was a Black, Chinese Catholic........

Of course - that would make it summer all year long,,,, in Newcastle.......

I always accepted that it would, but to be honest, I'm supprised of the level of restrain in the replies. It doesn't reflect what I have heard out and about. My conclusion is that as a whole, the guys on here are still showing a great deal of respect to others - or that the laws in this country allow ony free speach that doesn't offend anyone. We have a very small muslim community up here, but they do show some unacceptable traits, as I've said earlier, if you see a group acting 'wrong' then you make associations (Huddies and young towrags ??). Againg, I think there has been a show of restraint - it could have been much much worse. One thing it does show though is the general mood is changing, and that is the dangerous part. We are in real danger of someone taking advantage of this and moving the populus in the wrnog direction. This is why the average normal Muslim must stand up and be counted agains these extremists - it is the only way. I commend you for your stance, and to speak up is your right, but generally there is no voice against this. You cannot make a Goegraphical stanse against an idiealist belief, in 3000 years this has never worked, why does the governments think it will now ? religions all over the world talk of peace, but the idealogical differences are the very things that will prevent it from happening. on Friday 13th October 1307 the Catholics Church, under an order from the Pope, murdered the Knights Templar, what talk of peace ?? Again, I commend you, you and the very people you are talking are the key to resolving this. Although I have a slight disagreement in what you say. You will understand this far better than I ever will, but in the same way the Bible is full of flaws, I'm sure the Quran has lost something in translation along the way. And just like the Bible modern explanations can be read in a number of ways, furthermore misquoting text can give different meanings - so the use of the word fact isn't quite right, I don't think. Islam has a different way that text is presented and meaning distributed, those who have studied the Quran gain status Clerics, thier opinions ae then presented as facts - as the extremists work they way up in status so thier teachings reach a wider audience. I'm no expert on this by any stretch, but I understand enough to here what you are saying. To every point there is usually an equally opposing view. Human nature, It's like that - and that's how it is. Not at all, I think it's always good to have arguments from all sides, maybe that is part of the problem? The spiritual leaders are just not public enough in thier condemnation of the very small minority who grab the headlines. I would think many people have the oppinion 'if you are not with us, then you are against us'. Personally, I would like to see all religion gone. I'm not sure why a Bishop has any right to make descisions on the laws of this land, I'm not sure where thier life experiences come from and what they can actually bring to the running of a country. Muslim, Catholic, C of E - makes no difference to me, you cannot disprove faith, as you cannot prove it, that is why you cannot argue it...... I think the real gripe I was having at the start of the thread is that the Police did nothing - why ? they ahd the power to...

A little story to help you understand how the rest of the world see's us. A SQUIRRELS TALE REST OF THE WORLD VERSION: The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold. THE END THE U.K. VERSION: The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed. A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving. The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food. The British press inform people that they should be ashamed that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so, while others have plenty. The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house. The BBC, interrupting a cultural festival special from Notting Hill with breaking news, broadcasts a multi cultural choir singing "We Shall Overcome". Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor McDonald that the squirrel got rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his "fair share" and increases the charge for squirrels to enter inner London . In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The squirrel's taxes are reassessed. He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders for the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work. The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially mobile. The squirrel's food is seized and re distributed to the more needy members of society, in this case the grasshopper. Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building a new home. The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to Britain as they had to share their country of origin with mice. On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of Britain 's apparent love of dogs. The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and attempted bombing but were immediately released because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody. Initial moves to then return them to their own country were abandoned because it was feared they would face death by the mice. The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from people's credit cards. A Panorama special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the squirrel's food, though spring is still months away, while the council house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain the house. He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshopper's drug 'illness'. The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their treatment since arrival in UK . The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him. Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery. A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost £10,000,000 and state the obvious, is set up. Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is increased. The asylum-seeking cats are praised by the government for enriching Britain 's multicultural diversity and dogs are criticised by the government for failing to befriend the cats. The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of prison. They call for the resignation of a minister. The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights were infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in the United Kingdom. The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are increased to pay for law and order and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds. THE END