mervin

. Whats the diffrence between a drug dealer and a hooker A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again. Q. What's a mixed feeling? A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car. Q. What's the height of conceit? A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name. Q. What's the definition of macho? A. Jogging home from your vasectomy. Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball Q. Do you know how Cumbrians practice safe sex? A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick. Q. Why is divorce so expensive? A. Because it's worth it. Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common? A. They both like a tight seal. Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common? A. Their balls are just for decoration. Q. What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"? A. About three inches. Q. Why do Gay men wear ribbed condoms? A. For traction in the mud. Q. What's the difference between purple and pink? A. The grip. Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? A. It's not hard. Q. How do you circumcise a hillbilly? A. Kick his sister in the jaw. Q. What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? A. 45 pounds. Q. What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? A. 45 minutes. Q. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? A: Breasts don't have eyes. Q. If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love? A. The swallow. Q. What is the difference between medium and rare? A. Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare. _________________

You are ancient Andy, well seems like it as i am only 46 merv

Please assume when answering, that if you have more than one motorcycle. to give details of the motorbike in most frequent use. Please delete the answers that do not apply leaving the correct answer that applies. 1. What is your estimated annual mileage? (Delete as appropriate) Less than 1000 miles 1000 – 3000 milesx 3000 – 5000 miles 5000 – 8000 miles 8000 miles + 2. What type of biker would you class yourself to be? (Delete as appropriate) Cruiser/Custom Sports Biker Tourer Sport Tourer Below 500cc x 3. What is the size of your current motorcycle? (Delete as appropriate) Below 250cc 250 – 500cc x 500 – 750cc 750 – 1000cc 1000cc + 4. What is the main use of your motorcycle? (Delete as appropriate) Pleasure x Commuting Work/Business 5. How satisfied are you with your current motorcycle? (Delete as appropriate) Very Satisfied Satisfied x Neutral Unsatisfied Very Unsatisfied 6. What motorcycle brands have you previously purchased? And how many of each? (ie. 4 Suzuki’s, 3 Honda’s, 2 Kawasaki’s ,1 Benelli, 2 Harley Davidsons, Etc.) 4 yamahas 1 peugeot 1 kerry 7. What was the main influence when buying your present motorcycle? (performance, price, quality, appearance, reliability, age (if applicable), etc) age 8. Which of the following influences you most when buying a motorcycle. (please rate first through to fifth in order of preference) Price 1 Design 2 Quality 3 Power 4 Brand Image 5 9. Do you primarily buy new or secondhand motorcycles? (please answer new or secondhand) secondhand 10. What level of mechanical expertise do you have of motorcycles? (Nothing, Novice, Rookie, Moderate, Mechanic/Expert) moderate 11. If you have owned a Suzuki motorcycle, how many have you owned? (enter either a number or N/A) 1 scrapper 12. From your knowledge of the Suzuki brand how would you rate the… (please answer for each a rating of 1 to 5, 5 being excellent, 1 being poor) Price 4 Design 1 Quality 1 Power 1 Brand Image 3 13. What qualities do you perceive Suzuki’s brand image to hold? (suggestions: Expensive/Cheap, Creative, New/Old Design, Traditional, Boring, Fun, Exclusive, Inspiring, Stylish, Young, etc.) boring peice of shite 14. If you were to purchase a new Suzuki motorcycle, how much would you prepared to spend? (Delete as appropriate) Less than 2000 £000000000 2000 – 4000 4000 – 6000 6000 – 8000 8000 + 15. If you have ever had your bike serviced by a Suzuki dealership, how would you rate their quality of after sales service? (5 = Excellent, 1 = Poor) no 16. What puts you off of the Suzuki brand image? quality or lack of it 17. What do you like about the Suzuki brand image? rubbish 18. Are you effected by brand images when purchasing a motorcycle? yes - If so, does the Suzuki brand image effect you, and how? put right off - If so., does other brand images affect you on purchasing a Suzuki brand? yes 19. How would you improve the Suzuki brand image? be bought out by MZ 20. What would make you buy a Suzuki, if you haven’t already bought a Suzuki? stupidty 21. If you do have a Suzuki motorcycle, what would influence you more to buy the brand?. pass

DON'T waste money on expensive iPods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead. CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a p*ss before the film starts. RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place. DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements. (One for Ardon) WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains. SOLDIERS Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial tomfoolery after a trip to Trueprint. MURDERERS Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again. BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at 90 degrees, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you. EMPLOYERS Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin. MEN When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it. GAMBLERS. For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by Royal Mail. BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching. BLIND PEOPLE Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time. ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness. DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way. PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again. CAR thieves Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat. DEPRESSED people. Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help', simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc. MOTORISTS Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea. JEREMY Beadle When selling DVDs on your TV advert, hold the disks in your bigger hand so that they do not appear to be the size of laser disks. SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day. SINGLE men Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside. BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan. ALCOHOLICS don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices. McDONALD'S Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows. WOMEN Don't waste energy faking org@sms. Most men couldn't give a sh*t anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house after you've been banged.

An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what'll you have?" The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please." So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more. The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one." The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together. The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more. The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died." The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine - I just quit drinking."

Maharishi Phucknuckel’s Guide to Zen · Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either, just f--- off and leave me alone. § The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre. § The darkest hours come just before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk and newspaper, that's the time to do it. · Sex is like air. It only becomes really important when you aren't getting any. § Don't aspire to become irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. § Remember, no-one is listening until you fart. § Never forget that you are unique, like everyone else. § Never test the depth of the water with both feet. § If you think nobody cares whether you're dead or alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments § Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. § If at first you don't succeed, avoid skydiving. § Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. § Have you ever lent someone $20 and never seen that person again? It was probably worth it. § If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. § Some days we are the flies; some days we are the windscreen. § Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time. § Good judgment comes from experience, experience comes from bad judgment. § The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. § A closed mouth gathers no feet. § There are two theories about how to win an argument with a woman. Neither one works. § Generally speaking, you aren't learning much if your lips are moving. § Never miss a good chance to shut up. § Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. § When we are born we are naked, wet, hungry, and we get smacked on our arse. From there on in, life gets worse § The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed. Remember not to forget that which you do not need to know. _________________

Looking at my parts lists the E models have the number 2R8 23110-00 and would be 35mm are the stantions 34 or 35 mm as yuo need the 34 mm for yor D i could use a set of 35 mm ones for my 400e resto are they new and how much if they are still up for grabs please merv

2 Tickets to last years supebike grand prix final to the winner

A girl was helping her boyfriend set up his PC and he wanted to log in with a password. Now, you have to understand he's got somewhat of a rebellious attitude and goes for the shock effect. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he keys in "[willy]". His girlfriend nearly fell off the chair from laughing so hard when the computer replied...: PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer. _____________________ On the other hand: Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive? If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Tequila. Tequila is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Tequila can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything. You will notice the benefits of Tequila almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Tequila. Tequila may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Tequila. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it. Side effects may include: dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister. ( This rings a bell!) _______________________ Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag? If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for? Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one? If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it? There are three religious truths: a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah. b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith. c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters. _________________ middle aged man and woman meet, fall in love, and decide to get married. On their wedding night they settle into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride says to her new groom, "Please promise to be gentle,... I am still a virgin." The startled groom says "How can that be? You've been married 3 times before." The bride responds: "Well you see it was this way: My first husband was a psychiatrist and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it. "My second husband was a gynecologist and all he ever wanted to do was look at it. "And my third husband was a stamp collector and all he ever wanted to do was...............God I miss him!" _________________ Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says, "Doc, I'm getting married this weekend and my fiance thinks I'm a virgin. Is there anything you can do to help me?" The doctor says, "Medically, no, but here's something you can try. On the wedding night, when you're getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it to your upper thigh. When your husband puts it in, snap the elastic band and tell him it's your virginity snapping." The woman loves this idea and knows her hubby to be will fall for this. They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite. The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her man. Things begin to progress, her hubby "slips it in" and she snaps the elastic band. The hubby asks, "What the heck was that? The wife explains, "Oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity snapping." The husband cries out, "Well snap it again, it's got my b***s!" _________________ It was the stir of the town when an 80 year old man - a confirmed biker, married a 23 year old girl. After a year she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying, "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?" He answered, "You've got to keep that old motor running." The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said, "You really are amazing. How do you do it?" He again said, "You've got to keep the old motor running." The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said, "You must be quite a man." He responded, "You've got to keep that old motor running." The nurse then said, "Well, you had better change the oil in that old motor, this one's black." A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked. "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked. "Yes I do." she replied. Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes I remember." "Do you remember your father when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said.'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail'?" "Yes I do", she replied. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, " You know I would have gotten out today."

Dear Employees: It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers. Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner. 1) TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training. INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing. 2) TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter. INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__. 3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late. INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this? 4) TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible. INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way. 5) TRY SAYING: Really? INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me! 6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with... INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__. 7) TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project. INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem. TRY SAYING: That's interesting. INSTEAD OF: What the f___? 9) TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented. INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work. 10) TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that. INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner? 11) TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues. INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__. 12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir? INSTEAD FO: Eat sh__ and die. 13) TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it? INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__. 14) TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment. INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary. 15) TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand. INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__. 16) TRY SAYING: I love a challenge. INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks. 17) TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that? INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss? 1 TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive. INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck. Thank You, Human Resources

have a look at this and play with it http://chir.ag/stuff/sand/ merv

welcome to the forum John I am a truck driver and have spent many a happy hour with the Irish drivers on ferries and in differrent places, they have all been good company cracking jokes and helping out when we have problems, Only been to ireland once went across from Belfast out past Donegal town to a place near Glencolumbkillie or something like that called Errigal fish, Fanatastic people not what i expected. I was kind of expecting them to maybe slightly anti british but no I was welcomed with open arms Merv

Tea has to be made with the correct water Andy foreigners cannot brew tea properly, the do not boil the water, the best tea around here is from a small company near minehead called Miles, it works welll wit water from the area, as for women, Everytime i see Lesley Garrett the opera singer i think i bet she has some good muscles in the right places for a goood well i leave the rest to your imagination, a goood diaphragm i mean. and well there are so many others, Merv

Well one thing they will not have to worry about kids watching the show, one look at her and it would put em off telly for life. Must find a poster of her to put over the fireplace to keep kids away from the fire, Mind yuo what is the saying about not loking at the mantlepiece when stoking the fire, Supose it would get the poker if it was ready and willing merv

Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone. Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the object you wish to view. Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it. Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the flaming thing in the first place, you fat sod. Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in. Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cake again. An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator. Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by running a bit slower. Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one. Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know the difference. Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak. High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your roof. Corsa drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems anyway, so it may as well look like one. A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep. Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by banging your feet twice on each stair. At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next customer Please' sign for dyslexic shoppers. Girls. Don't worry about a nice dress for that important first date. All he's interested in is seeing you starkers. Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner. Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally. Housewives. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket. Don't invite drug addicts round for a meal on Boxing Day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive .

A note you would not forget in a hurry if it was on your fridge merv

Was this the original lyrics. For those in amrica the JCB song was a no1 song here in the charts available by internet downloads before xmas, Google it if you wanna here the original, It ws about a kid riding around in his old mans digger, but it think this may have been the original words http://assets.musicradio.com/root/audio/20...56D82A2B6E0.mp3 merv

Looks like you had a good ride there Scott, bummer about the job though, Keep trying Lovely scenery 10 acres Skeet shooting as well (clay pigeon to us brits) what a life merv

Just found this wonder if they both look so good now, She does not look too happy though How about a young Alex (Herman Munster ) from the aircooled forum Yes hes back

Ac ouple i nicked form Nobby clarkes website( www.nobbyclarkracing.co.uk) i think one maybe Voycies, I have seen nobbys & Voycies in the flesh it has 350 barrels bored out too 375 and too many other mods too remember merv

Do not read this just before you are about to eat or if you are feeling ill or have a weak stomach.I cannot be responsible for the result if you do , but it is funny i thought http://shtick.org/Misc/ryans.htm merv

Please send picture of boat

Real beauty that one Scott, Martin Newlyns bike i beleive, merv

Hi and welcome Sir Tom As Andy says first Knight i have ever seen as well, Dunno if lord Hesketh frequents a Hesketh forum though if there is such a thing. Merv

Hey Pete Good to see you here by the way it is not Matt from holland he is Yamahafreak, it is Scott from America yamahahead that started the thread. The aircooled forum is not ecxactly dead, But i missed Andy then found he was posting here so thought i would make a post on Scotts picture thread. merv