I will start
I got eczema, diarrhoea, gonorrhoea and haemorrhoids last week.
First time I've ever won a game of Scrabble.
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Prince Charles must have upset the Mafia. He wakes up every morning with a horse's head on his pillow
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Time Machine
David Cameron goes to a science exhibition and is shown a time machine which can see 100 years into the future. The man in charge invites him to ask any question he likes.
Cameron asks "What will Australia be like in 100 years time?"
The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action and gives a printout, which the man reads:
"The country is in good hands under the new Prime Minister, crime is non-existent, there is no conflict, the economy is healthy. There are no worries"
He has another go "What will China be like in 100 years time?"
Another print out:
"The country will be the world's leading economy and everyone there will enjoy the highest standard of living in the world"
Cameron then asks "What will Great Britain be like in 100 years time?"
The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action. The man gets a printout, but he's just stares at it.
"Come on", says Cameron "What does it say"
The man replies, "Buggered if I know ! It's all in Arabic!"
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Two blondes...
Lynn and Judy were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity
House. Lynn was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail
Pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it
In.
Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you
Throwing those nails away?'
Lynn explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of
Them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.'
Judy got completely upset and yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't
Defective! They're for the other side of the house!'
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A blonde walks into a shop and asks if she could buy the tv but the shop keeper says "sorry don't sell to blondes".
The blonde walk in the next day and says "can i buy the tv?" and the shop keeper says "sorry i don't sell to blondes".
So the blonde died her hair and whent to the shop and said can i buy the tv and the shop keeper said sorry i dont sell to blondes.
The blonde said "how do you know I'm a blonde" and the keeper says "Because that is a microwave".
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Just bought a Toyota Hybrid
It's half car, half submarine
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Whats the difference between marriage and a battery.
A battery has a positive side
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