mervin

The SAS, the Paras and the Police decide to go on a survival weekend together to see who comes out on top. After some basic exercises the trainer tells them that their next objective is to go down into the woods and catch a rabbit, returning with it ready to skin and cook. Night falls. First up - the SAS. They don infrared goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into the woods in formation. Absolute silence for 5 minutes, followed by the unmistakable muffled "phut-phut" of their trademark silenced double-tap. They emerge with a large rabbit shot cleanly between the eyes. "Excellent!" remarks the trainer. Next up - the Para's. They finish their cans of lager, smear themselves with camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods, screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next hour the woods ring with the sound of rifle and machine-gun fire, hand grenades, mortar bombs and blood curdling war cries. Eventually they emerge, carrying the charred remains of a rabbit. "A bit messy, but you achieved the aim; well done", says the trainer. Lastly, in go the coppers, walking slowly, hands behind backs whistling Dixon of Dock Green. For the next few hours, the silence is only broken by the occasional crackle of a walkie-talkie "Sierra Lima Whisky Tango Fanta One, suspect headed straight for you..." etc. After what seems an eternity, they emerge escorting a squirrel in handcuffs. "What the hell do you think you are doing?" asks the incredulous trainer, Take this squirrel back and get me a rabbit like I asked you five hours ago! So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours, night drags on and turns to day. The next morning, the trainer and the other teams are awakened by the police, still holding the handcuffed squirrel, now covered in bruises with one eye nearly shut. "Are you taking the [wee]!!??" asks the now seriously irate trainer. The police team leader nudges the squirrel, who squeaks: "Alright, alright, I'm a f#ckin' rabbit!"

need a chain saw? better than any disc lock though, wonder how much discount he gets on his insurance?

Phil congrats mate to you and your missus and if you want the 250 aircooled chair outfit i am selling my 250 Merv

first a numpty that has wrecked his R6 in 10 miles then a load pf crap in the general area what is going on here merv

can you fit a SR250 engine to it ? Merv

can you not get adjustable ones for it? i have seen em around Merv

go to any tyre manafacturers website and look up the bike it will tell you what is available in their ranges i see battlaxs available in several styles for the bike on the bridgestone website merv

Scott is the daytona on the road now? i am considering it is about time the black heap got built get the other project back and see what it needs doing first though, but that is all running and roadworthy so hopefully will not nedd anything doing to it, as for the missus on the warpath watch out for the flying axes, arrows, etc Scott take care merv

Scott is there any truth in the rumour that this is your new scoot

I got an aircooled 250 frame in me garden you can have no log book though merv

Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?". Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?". Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre". Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours". ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Samsung Electronics Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?" Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about". Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?" Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall". ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- RAC Motoring Services Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling inAustralia ?" Operator: " Doesn't the product give you a clue?" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ): "If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Directory Enquiries Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please". Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?" Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off". ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven. Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?" Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland ". ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: "I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on". ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop". Customer: "OK". Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?". Customer: "No". Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No". Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?". Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'". ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?" Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?". ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause". Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!): Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?" Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect." Operator: "What sort of trouble??" Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away." Operator: "Went away?" Caller: "They disappeared." Operator: "Hmm So what does your screen look like now?" Caller: "Nothing." Operator: "Nothing??" Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type." Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??" Caller: "How do I tell?" Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??" Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?" Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?" Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type." Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??" Caller: "What's a monitor?" Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??" Caller: "I don't know." Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??" Caller: "Yes, I think so." Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall. Caller: "Yes, it is." Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??" Caller: "No." Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable." Caller: "Okay, here it is." Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer." Caller: "I can't reach." Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??" Caller: "No." Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??" Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark." Operator: "Dark??" Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window. " Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then." Caller: "I can't." Operator: "No? Why not??" Caller: "Because there's a power failure." Operator: "A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??" Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet." Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from." Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?" Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is." Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??" Operator: "Tell them you're too f*%king stupid to own a computer!!!!!"

Yup Andy crabs for lager and a kiss on each cheek from his very nice wife as well what more could you want eh beer wine and a kiss from a french couple for giving em crabs merv

hey congrats take care i found my instructor Alex at OYB, camelford, cornwall, was a good crack when i took my DA managed to pass with 3 minors first time, better than the 3 goes i had at the car test and well ok i admit it 5 goes at my HGV, Merv

nice scenery Andy hope i can get up again this winter looking doubtful as spending a lot of time in holland unfortnate but i do not get too chose, anyway after 8 days out of the country driving truck go thome friday night at 11,oclock, lot of catching up to do but managed a 20 mile blast on the RD 250 this evening, oh boy i felt good, now just laying into some lager i managed to get for free trading for a few crabs. Merv

Yehoo great Scott, another 400 running again cant wait to get my E on the road it,s still a pile of bits yet though Merv

Try busters accesories on the net mate www.busters-accessories.co.uk or motorcycle products www.motorcycleproducts.co.uk, pelhamanian motorcycles have a good range www.goodbuys4u.co.uk or http://www.goodbuys4u.co.uk/a2e.htm takes you straight to the screen page merv

Hmm me too but not today south west bikers forum has been very difficult too log onto the last 3 days merv

call him Ray and another aussie wildlife specialist loony gets it OK merv

Curtain Rods He spent the first day sadly packing his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, He had the movers come and collect his things. On the third day, He sat down on the floor in the dining room by candlelight, put on some background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay. When He had finished, He went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp and caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. He replaced the endcaps on the curtain rods, cleaned up the kitchen, and left. When the Wife returned with her new boylfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything, cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canister, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local Realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. The ex husband called the woman, and asked how things were going. She told him they were selling the house but did not tell the real reasons. He listened politely, and said that He missed his old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back. Knowing her ex-husband had no idea about the smell, She agreed on a price that was about1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if He were to sign the papers that very day. He agreed, and within the hour her lawyers delivered the paperwork for him to sign. A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home, including the curtain rods. If only the man could really win. Nice fairy tail though!

Scott No i did not leave myself out just copied Baldys post, but notice something Baldys name is Mark yes see the description for Mark merv

Baldy posted this on the Aircooled forum The Men's Names – (scroll down for the women’s names) Aaron - ugly but hung like a horse, prone to belly button fluff. Able - totally useless. Adam - not very bright and not very pretty, has almost mastered hygiene. Adrian - usually short and very horny, watches cartoons. Alan - shy but sensitive, gets screwed over by women. Alex - cute and tall but a liar and a cheat. Alistair - likes being tied up, and really enjoys playing with train sets Amir - dirty, smelly, pecker is minuscule. Bad diet. Andrew - Highly intelligent and wears a kilt. Poor standards of hygiene. Homicidal tendencies. Antonio - has a great body and beautiful skin, and chicken brain. Looks in the mirror too much. Anthony - great guy and kind to all girls, smells of wee. Arnold - loser. Arthur - hung like a slave and celibate. Avenir - reads too many fantasy books, wears armour to bed. Baron - Reads SAS books, wants to go out and shoot something or somebody. Barry - lights fires, pinches girl’s bottoms and is well hung. Barnaby - very big, very strong and very gentle, cries a lot. Ben - funny and can be real difficult to beat at games. Bill - thinks he's really popular, thinks all the girls want him ...he's wrong. Bob - quiet and unpopular, eats with his hands. Brad - short and squat, has bad breath. Braden - Drop out and doesn't care, will set record for longest employee at McDonalds. Brandon - good looking but uses girls. Not very academic. Brendan - quiet and sweet, gets beaten up all the time. Brett - worldwide slut and really insensitive, women love him. Brian - mean and only thinks of himself, he's just a very naughty boy. Bryan - sexy, but stupid - can't spell. Bronsen - annoying and never grows up - has a stupid name. Bruce - stinks bad and thinks everyone else's name is also Bruce. Bryce - fun to be with and will make you laugh, you'll kill him within a week. Callum - tall and geeky, very defensive. Calvin - immature in a naive way, drives a Gemini. Cameron - Australian. Big muscles. Carl - horny. bastard, who can't sing. Carlo - dark and brooding, for some unknown reason girls seem to like him! Carson - fun to be around and really sensitive. Chad - cute, sensitive and very studly - only found in American movies, no real person has that name. Charles - can't trust him, eyes too close together. Chris - can't pull, will pay for women, but has a huge pecker and can use it too. Christian - Gay but very sexy and seductive. Clark - hilarious and always in trouble, problem with 'jailbait'. Cliff - very sweet and adores girls, but very superficial. Clive - trainspotter ... dull as ditchwater. Cole - nice, funny, and very stupid. Colin - lies to women and blows up public buildings. Cory - funny but ugly, ends up running fashion magazines. Craig - tries to fit in - he never does. Crispin - Ugly homosexual. Fancies himself. Successful Curtis - needs constant mothering and reassurance. Damien - spawn of the devil, but in a good way. Damon - total loser in a sweaty sort of way. Dan - quiet but funny, but becomes easily addicted to narcotics. Danny - Wears stylish clothes and has silky womens underwear beneath them. Dane - weird but can hold together a conversation with a mermaid. Daniel - enjoys root vegetables in every orifice. Darren - charming , but sleeps with men. Darwyn - exercises too much, favourite word Ug Daryl - pompous and overbearing, likes using big words that only he understands. David - Sensible and works out a lot, loves girls named Florence. Dave - extremely sexy, always funny, intelligent, stylish, trendsetter i.e. a tanker. Dean - full of himself and thinks with his dick. Dele - well endowed likes blondes. Looks in the mirror too much Dennis - either very nice to girls or a faggot. Derek - has a great sense of humour, and a blow-up doll collection. Dillon - Stupid but well-built, women just use him for sex. Dominic - hilarious and will do anything to please anybody. Don - dickhead, nobody likes him. Doug - has a greasy face, drinking problem and farts. Drew - bad-arse loser who never shuts up. Duncan - hopeless ski bum, brains shot away long ago. Dylan - thinks he's funny, falls asleep during sex. Dwayne - cool guy to be around if you can handle his name. Eddie - wants too many chicks he'll never get cos he's an arsehole. Elis - would rather make model airoplanes than have sex. Elliott - full of himself. Eric - shy and timid like a little mouse. Evan - a little slow but sweet, sexy, and a model mental patient. Finn - Completely indecisive, suffers terribly with Catholic guilt. Frank - single helix DNA and it shows. Fraser - sucks pigs dicks & swallows the lot. Frederick/Fred/Freddie - wants to rule the world. Loves women Fritz - Loves playing games. Never wins. Gareth - sweet but dresses too good to be straight. Can't play rugby. Gary - drug addict but willing to share. Garry - forever fiddling with himself and wonders why no-one will shake hands. Gavin - likes bondage, S&M with other men. Geoff - prefers golf to sex and war to peace. George - barman who drinks more than he serves. Gerry - quiet and insecure, a doormat. Gilbert - Morris dancer, collects antique sweet wrappers. Glen - the sweetest guy - really down to earth. good teacher. crap in bed. Gordon - big bloke in a dirty raincoat, kinda flashy. Greame - very hard to understand, likes group sex. Graham - will screw anything. Grahame - thinks he's better than other Grahams because he has an extra 'e'. Grant - Short and ugly! but so sweet and you can talk to him about anything. Greg - really sweet and feels suicidally sorry for himself. Harry - Good at sport. Women love him. Blokes hate him. Harvey - cute, but addicted to sex and/or drugs. Haydn - tries hard, succeds rarely. Heinz - Likes variety in his life. in his fifties. Overweight. Henry - dull, dull, dull, dull ... likes trains and tweed jackets, probably a science teacher. Howard - likes small-breasted women and pornography. Howell - sings too much. Ian - likes to stuff animals and dress up in women's clothing. Ivor - militant psychopath with homosexual tendencies. Izzy - circumsized, but they threw away the wrong bit. Jake - shy and sweet but a slut when drunk. Jamie - Devious scum of the earth. James - can't handle his beer, smells of mayonaise and does wet farts. Jarrod - Arrogant, stuck-up, pompous and annoying. Loves himself totally and has lots of mirrors. Jason - Gayer than a pink fairy winning a trophy at the gayest pink fairy competition. Jay - very sweet when you get to know him well. which is a problem because he has bad breath. Jeff - really ugly. Jerome - gay, but very unhappy. Jeremy - loud and thinks that he's all that he says he is. Jesse - unpopular and needs to move on. Jack - stupid but hot, always alright. Jim - sweet, has fantasies of love and affection but tanks too much. Jimmy - Goes to the toilet twice a night, doesn't always get up for it. Joe - built like a bear, sexy but tends to lose his head. Bisexual Joel - arse. John - has few friends and no life - tends to kill small animals. Jon - Not too bright will end up married to a cousin. Jolyon - absolute raving homosexual. Jonathon - think he's good - he's sh*t. Looks in the mirrror too much. Jordan - sexy but weird in bed. Hung like a wildebeest. Jose - hot boy with a love of hermaphrodites. Josh - full of himself, fun. Julian - used to be a wooden boy, but is now almost real with a big nose. Junior - Not very clever, but good at football. Justin - aggravating but lovable, insecure but successful and overweight. Kain - one of the sexiest guys alive but very stuck up. Keegan - always has a bit of his last meal displayed on his clothes. Kev - lager lout, wears cheap and loud clothes. Kevin - always attracts really fit girlfriends and then loses them when they see his dick! Keith - good person to talk to when you have a problem - his is worse. Kenneth - very, very...anything you want him to be. Kerry - wants to be in a boy band but he's not pretty enough. Kirk - good looking, worries that he might be gay. Kurt - can kick anyone's arse. Kyle - hornball who eats too many cornchips. Larry - cute but wannabe player with big arse. Laurey - short and funny looking. Lee - girl dressed up as a boy, total arse bandit. Levi - same as Lee only not so pretty. Lewis - lonely, sad git, bit of a tosser. Welsh Liam - loud mouthed arsehole. Lorenzo - fine and dresses in stolen gold. Lucas - fat loser that dates other men.Loves to date frisky men Luke - seems to be sweet. Madison - so far up his own arse there's no room for his boyfriend. Malcolm - tall man who tends to lose his trousers. And is gay!!! Mark - Good looking and very clever. Every woman would if she could. Marshall - Never seems to age, this is because he is in fact an anderoid! Martin - Stud. Loves himself. would make a good lawyer. Matt - the fat boy of the class, likes sweets and is full of sh*t. Matty - Life and soul of the party, could get a corpse dancing. Menno - built like a horse. Only does it doggy. Michael - very good looking but he'll do anything for a girl. Doesn't like to work too hard. Sexual deviant Mick - always drunk, tendency for drug abuse. Mintesh - boy racer, the arsehole who drives with the stereo too loud and the windows down even though it's cold! Mitchell - big bloke, sweats a lot, usually pure alcohol. Mohammed - small penis, but still really enjoys playing with it. Nathan - stupid as hell, and tends to make others feel dumb. Nick - inbred - can't get past the missionary position though. Neil - sweet and will do anything in this world for you, great in bed but only on his own. Noel - only goes out with girls so that he can steal their clothes. Oliver - likes men but is in denial. Oscar - complete loser, hated by his parents. Owen - cute gay guy who is immature, and sings Welsh songs. Patrick - drunk, drunk, drunk. Paul - cool, calm and handsome, a quality only found in gays. Peter - Likes sheep more than girls, will probably end up married to a relative. Ramsey - thinks he's posh but is actually a knob. Raymond - doesn't like to be called Ray because it sounds too 'straight'. Richard - can't see his feet as balls are too big Ricky - ugly sh*thead who everybody hates. Rikki - see above, but can't even spell. Rob - constantly watches porn. Robin - Ugly and not very bright, probably a teacher. Roger - acts like a tanker when drunk ... Permanently drunk! Rory - men are only nice to him so they can talk to his sister. Roy - total loser and computer genius. Rupert - arrogant twat who is crap in bed but thinks he is a stud. Russell - likes to play in the leaves which makes him an arsehole. Pantomime dame Ryan - short and stout, but popular. Sam - wannabe sex machine. Sandeep - complete anorak, owns a metal detector. Sean - thinks he's James Bond, in reality a dipstick. Scott - has serious disabilities. likes winter sports Sean - has small deformed testicles and no friends. Seth - so sweet to other people but is a traitor. Shane - cute gay guy who is immature, and sings Welsh songs. Shannon - like the, river wet and full of sh*t. Shaun - bit of a hard bastard, thinks women love him. Simon - likes a night out with the lads and curries. Talks bollocks. Sonny - thinks he's tough and proves it with young girls and boys. Spencer - thinks everybody wants to shag him - he's a virgin Steve - popular and funny when looked at side-on. Stuart - loves it right up there, normally with a toilet roll and a hamster Taylor - Gay, gay, gay, gay .... Terry - small and wirey with a nasty temper. Tim - hot but a bit strange, can never tell where he is. Toby - best blow ever. Tom - cool but can be very arrogant. Tomas - part-druid, likes to dance round things naked. Tony - hot, sweet, and totally fun to be around. tendency to megalomania Travis - fat and horny with the best XXX collection to be found. Trevor - sweet and funny but sometimes untrustworthy. Troy - cute and popular. Tyrone - Big bloke with a gay moustache, but nobody dares tell him. Ty - small and kind of shrivelled. Var - adventurous type, can't sit quietly and so is very annoying. Wade - huge bloke, people jog round him and have to stop halfway for a rest. Walter - Rich, but with no taste in anything, so the money is a bit of a waste. Wasim - Good at sport. Likes bondage. Intelligent. Warren - cool, homosexual guy. Picks his nose alot. Wesley - great guy and easy to not notice. Will - wishes he were popular. William - not very tall, but ultra-cool. Zach - sweet and polite and twisted. Zahid - devious and sly. Not to be trusted.* --------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Women's Names Abby - agony aunt, always willing to explain about your confused sexuallity. Ada - blue haired, smells of wee. Adie - quiet and shy, but when you get to know her .. quiet and shy. Aileen - laughs like a demented dog. likes tic tacs. Alana - pretty and popular, but with very dark secrets. Alexandra - popular but very loud, sometimes forgets to bathe. Alice - likes horses but looks like Kermit's girlfriend. Alicia - pretty and knows it, watches herslf go by in shop windows. Alison - bra and pants are the same garment, looks better with the light off. Alyssa - wants to be 'exotic', but only manages to be 'strange'. Amanda - I.Q. smaller than her bra size, a good shag, but she does practice a lot. Amber - stereotypical exotic dancer, not too bright but very flexible. Amy - Devious, Likes being on top, never stays the night - Not to be trusted. Likes any man not wearing trousers Anastasia - overly-loud, wears clothes 2 sizes too small. Andrea - Small breasts, small arse, drinks pints and plays a mean game of pool. Andrina - dark and sultry, pretends she's a Russian spy. Angela - Vain, Hair style more important than oxygen. Usually found hanging around toilets. Anita - Beautiful girl with perfect hair and a body to die for. Annabelle - Doesn't wear knickers. Annette - She's BIG, like really BIG!!. Anna - Looks like a horse, can't drive. Anne-Marie - Gorgeous and with a great taste in blokes, has perfectly formed breasts Annie - Drinks too much, always wakes up next to ugly guys. Ashlee - Dyslexic and spends all day thinking about secs. Aurora - Beautiful and sexy, every mans dream ,but sadly swings the other way. Azaria - Beautiful and exotic with the brain power of an orchid. Barbara - Shags like a rabbit, not fussy about appearance. Wears alot of make up Bea - Beautiful, sexy, original, but nearly impossible to satisfy in bed. Becky - one of the boys, knows about football and cars, unusually tall. Belinda - Pleasing on the eye, usually has a couple of good points. Beryl - Repressed alcoholic. Beth - Empty headed, big breasted, and easy. Bettina - Dominatrix. Beverley - Trapped in an eighties timewarp. Bianca - Ginger. big mouth. Birgit - big scarey woman, likes small blokes she can intimidate. Bridgette - Eats pizzas all day, smokes cigars. Britney - Falsely improved, no use to society. Cait - Bow-legged country girl, really loves her horses. Camilla - replaces the word 'yes' with 'ya'. Cara - lazy girl, eats too much junk-food and yet doesn't get fat - annoying. Carie - just like the movie, a scary freak. Carina - Looks like the back of a bus, doesn't swallow. Carla - Down to earth with good child-bearing hips. Carly - Party animal until she gets too drunk to stand up. Carol - Bubbly, life and soul of the party and the bedroom. Caroline - Lard arse, shaves her ears, picks her nose and shops at oxfam. Catherine - Attracted to the older man, needs ironing. Celine - Emits hideous noises, waste of DNA. Charlotte - Enjoys tea and cake, farts the national anthem. Chaz - life and soul of the party, plays the piano and then strips to her own music. Cheryl - Can fit hand in mouth, eats glass. Chloe - Usually a weather-girl or a failed wannabe weather-girl. Christine - Likes men in uniform, never warm. Christina - Drop dead gorgeous and with a different bloke each night, well practiced. Ciji - strange girl, sleeps with a vibrating teddy-bear. Claire/Clare/Clair - Usually neurotic, gives good head but can have lesbian tendencies. Courtney - Bit of a 'tomboy', rolls her own tampons. Daisy - Virgin, works on a farm because she likes the way the tractor vibrates. Danni - Should make nice threesome with sibling. Davina - drug induced mental damage, should shave her neck. Dawn - Gets up early, smells of chips. Debra/Debby - Porn star. Deborah - Bites the pillow, uses both hands. Dee - Enormous mouth, gets a lot of work in porn movies. DeeDee - cannot understand why no-one else masturbates in Ikea. Denise - Sits on cats eyes, wears too much make up. Di - Enjoys receiving oral sex, but doesn't like giving it. Diana - Cuddly, which is a shame because she smells like cheese. Diane - Enjoys company of animals. Deep as a puddle. Donna - 70's throw back, likes cabbage. Dorthe - smells of herrings, obsessed with over-sized sex toys. Elaine - Rides side saddle, drinks meths. average breasts.. likes sharp edges. Eleanor - Very posh, always washing her hands, but likes her sex dirty. Elizabeth - Born to perform, hates chickens. Ella - Fiery temper, but when she's not shouting she's as cute as a kitten. Ellie - Far too attractive for the swear words that come out of her mouth. Ellen - Could well have eaten all the pies. Elma - Shy, easily dominated by men. Elsa - Kind of old fashioned, but with beautiful big hair. Emily - Wears odd socks, can have lesbian tendencies. Emma - Gullible and easily swayed by a good looker! Erminia - Small and graceful, slightly psychotic. Estelle - Likes wombles, eats grass. Esther - Plump with sagging breasts, normally heavily tattooed. Eve - Shy timid creature until she has a drink, then she becomes very loud. Evonne - Much happier now that the sex change operation was a success. Faith - Legs meet at knees, can't shag standing up. Faye - Wears wellies, can't swim. Felicity - One of the boys .. except that she has the most enormous nipples. Fern - Posh with a large mouth, can hold a conversation whilst giving head. Fiona - Female mud wrestler, badly needs a shave. Fiyza - Very sexy, she knows it and she flaunts it Francess - A lovely lady even if she is as common as muck! Frankie - Wears leather underwear, if it's quiet you can hear her buzzing. Gabriel - An arse to die for but pads her bra with tissues. Gail - Farts a lot, drinks Guinness. Gayleen - Big tall woman who talks sh*te all day. Gaynor - Wanna-be Lesbian who can't pull the girls. Gemma - Talks too much, even during sex, even during oral sex! Geraldine - Too posh for her own good, likes flying. Gillian - Dyes her hair green, likes clubbing. Gina - Eternal mother, eats nappies. Glenda - Eats children, hates smoking. Georgia - Loves her cakes, would rather have gateau than sex. Georgina - Wants to be a man. Grace - petite and pretty, fooks like a rabbit. Grainne - Giggles excessively, sometimes wets herself. Gwyneth - Blubs a lot, wees in the bath. Hannah - Needs to be naked at all times, eats kebabs. Harriet - Wears tweed and green wellies to the pub. Hayley - Pretty, likes fast cars and slow men. Heather - Shags like a freight train, bit of a screamer. Helen - Hangs around with the wrong rowd, Kinky in bed, loves porn and is totally neurotic. Helena - Likes to be in charge, wears a lot of black rubber. Heidi - The hills are alive with the sound of music, likes gherkins, hates Nazis. Hilary - Frigid. Holly - Prickly to the touch, seasonal shagmeister. Imogen - Drinks tequila from the bottle, wets the bed. Ingrid - Right wing Nazi tendencies, never smiles. Isobel - Motorbike gang leader, sells guns for pocket money. Jackie - Heroin addict, sold her child. Jade - I once had a Jade, but hasn't everybody?? Jalaine - Strange, introverted girl, secretly into plastic model aeroplanes. Janet - Massive over bite, no neck. Jane - She's hot and she knows it, a prick-teaser. Janice - Loud and over-the-top, tends to talk with her hands. Jarla - Kinda like a female Ali-G only not as funny. Jasmin - Smells of sewers, eats the heads off rats. Jean - hangs around with old blokes and let's them buy her stuff. Jemma - Does anal, wears too much eye make-up. Jenni - bone idle hence the tendency to shorten long words. Jennifer - Huge breasts, should shave her legs more often. Jessica - Always shags on the first date and sometimes even before it. Joanna - Moans in her sleep, moans when she wakes up, can't cook. Jo - Bisexual and proud of it. Joelle - Lively, exciting, jolly and fun ... sometimes too much so! Josephine - Likes to be tied up and teased. Jody - Dresses like a boy and eats live frogs for breakfast. Joyce - Never stops talking ... for God's sake shut up woman! Judith - Big eyes, big tits, big problem with ballance. Judy - Huge tits, married to a retard. Julia - Innocent face, don't trust her, she'll steal your wallet in five minutes Juliet - Eats too many chips, has greasy hair and a hairy arse. Justine - Massive tits, likes hanging around men's toilets. Julie - Likes outdoor sex, preferably with a chance of getting caught. Kacie - cute and adorable, but prone to sulking. Karen - Huge tits, shags like a rabbit. Kate - kisses with her tongue and can hold a conversation whilst doing it. Katherine - old-fashioned girl, giggles when anyone mentions naughty words. Katy - Tom boy, likes her sex dirty, usually outdoors. Katie - likes blokes and team sports, preferably both together. Kayleigh - The Lara Croft of Essex, great in bed (practice makes perfect) Keira - person most likely to start a cult, related to Starlin. Kelly - smells of cheese, slobbers when kissing. Kelley - not very bright, can't spell Kelly. Kelsey - Very clever, wears glasses, boys scare her. Kerran - tries to be mysterious, but everyone has been there. Kerry - pretty, cute, and changes underwear once a week. Kiersten - very sexy to look at, hard to please in bed. Kimberley - wants to be a bloke, drinks like a bloke, farts like a bloke, wears a wig. Kirsty - Eats live moles, can't dance. Krista - Cool and pretty, tends to daydream all day and sleepwalk all night. Kristy - Shy until she gets drunk, prone to spots. Kristen - Emotionally stunted, thinks Robot-Wars is cruel and should be banned. Kylie - Can't sing but who cares ... lovely arse. Lana - Hated by her parents, accidental pregnancy. Lara - Action packed, never seen naked. Laura - Likes Max power magazine, can't drive. Dominatrix Lauren – Pert breasts, seldom ventures out at night. Leah - Likes outdoor sex, wees standing up. Leanne - eats a lot of raw meat, most guys are scared of her. Lena - Eats food then throws up, rapidly shrinking. Leonie - Tall girl who likes short boys, it's a power thing. Leslie - Likes bondage, hates men. Leyla - Hot and horny, the girl that always will. Lily - Makes a good friend, doesn't take crap from anyone. Linda - Teenage bride can swallow oranges whole. Lindsey - Likes doggy style, doesn't do housework. Lisa - Will take all your money and run, gets turned on by porn. Liz - Long legged and brainy. Lizbeth - Sensible and serious, can talk without moving her lips. Lorraine - Constantly whinges, will strip for a packet of jellybabies Lorrie - Named after the vehicle she weighs the same as. Louise/a - Likes to get around, fantastic breasts. Luci - cute and loveable Lucy - Strange dancer, wants to marry her dad. Lynn - Funny and sexy, everything a bloke wants in a woman. Lynnette - Has the attention span of a budgerigar, likes pretty things. Madeline - Drives like a bloke, likes tractors. Madusa - Really likes men, preferrably grilled with a side salad. Maggie - Trainspotter, likes plaid. Mairi - Quiet and shy but incredibly clever, secretly planning to take over the world. Mandy - Cute and cuddly, thick as a short plank. Margaret - Lovely mother, very generous. Maria - Bangs like a barn door. Marie - Life sapping dominatrix. Likes men to do DIY. Marina - No get up and go, rusty underwear. Marion - stuffs her bra with tissue, a bit cross-eyed. Marolyn - Eats like a horse, out stays her welcome. Martina - Ugly lesbian. Martine - Can't act, can't sing, nice tits. Mary - Likes men with long tongues and talented fingers. Matilda - Likes dancing, mainly the waltz. Mavis - seems nice until you notice the black cat, broomstick and pointed hat. Meg - Cheesy smell, should be spelt with an S. Meghan - Cold, hard-hearted bitch, enjoys upsetting little children. Melanie - Can hold 2 bar vacuum orally indefinitely. Melinda - Trailer trash ... pretty, plump, and infected. Melissa - Eats dogs, has been in prison 6 times for burglary. Meryl - Dances like an ape, doesn't realise. Michaela - Likes animals, should make a video with them. Michelle - Wears white stilettos, dances round her handbag. Marsha - Big butt, small brain. Molly - Pretty and naive, would like to be slimmer, wears clothes with too many flowers. Monica - Doesn't swallow, should have. Nadine - Stunt Lady, can drink any bloke under the table! Don't mess with her. Naomi - Wannabe diva, more of a diver. Nancy - White hair, remembers tanners. Narelle - Likes dressing up as a French maid but not French. Natalie - Eats with her mouth open, farts the Nokia phone tune. Natasha - Had seven kids before age 17, needs ironing. Nell - Hasn't realised WWII has ended, lives in Kent. Niamh - Quiet and cute, secretly wears mens under-wear. Nicci - Pretty, blonde, nicely dressed and vacant. Nichola - quiet, studious type, wears glasses, a tiger in bed. Nicola - Slapper, alcoholic in denial. Nicole - small sweet and with nice hair, should wear underwear more often. Niki - wannabe mysterious spy but not bright enough. Nina - Stuffs her bra with tissues, been single for years. Nissa - speach impediment causes her to hiss, fond of reptiles. Olga - You can park a bike in her arse crack, excessive facial hair. Olive - usually accompanied by a couple of people in white coats. Olivia - Gorgeous and knows it, has to sew herself into her trousers.. Olwyn - stupid name, welsh, just unlucky I guess. Pamela - Gives amazing head, made of plastic. Patricia - Obsessive about appearances, yet denies that she's shallow. Pat - short and common, one of the lads and a bit of a laff. Paula - Transvestite merchant banker from Basildon. Peggy - Wears outdated clothes and will only do missionary position. Penelope - Pitstop queen, likes her men to be stiff. Peta - Rough and tough, seriously into bondage. Phillippa - Forest forager, likes wild boar. Phyliss - Thinks sex is dirty, always washing her hands. Polly - nice girl with really bad dress-sense, fashion disaster, it's a shame. Priscilla - likes painting with oils, Duckhams mainly. Preya - can't cook or clean but good in bed. Prudence - sensible girl, wears flat shoes, but will shag anything in trousers. Rachel - Amazing gravity defying breasts, can grip a tenner in her arsecheeks. Rebecca - Hairy armpits, orgasms without contact. Rebekah - Not very bright, pretty, but sometimes forgets to bathe. Renee - Huge breasts, but wishes blokes would notice her mind. Romany - Wild and beautiful, swings both ways. Rosalind - Upper-class lady but works as a secret agent when the government needs her. Rose - Can be prickly, gives good head. Rosemary - Very shy, nearly always seen with a bright red face. Roz - Only enjoys sex when she's tied up and spanked first. Rula - She measures up well. Ruth - Has stretch marks around her mouth. Sadie - Stand up if you're slim, please stand up. Sally - Drives a Mustang, fights in pubs. Samantha - Loves her brother, has 4 deformed children. Sandra - Shags donkeys for fun, bow legged. Sara - Air-head, with a gorgeous body to compensate. Sarah - intelligent, funny and very talented when it comes to the naughty stuff. Sarah-Jane - 'posh' girl, will screw anything in a BMW. Sasha – Looks dreadful the morning after. Smokes cigars Selina - Doesn't wear pants, heavy laundry bills. Shannon - Beautiful, curvaceous, should be a model. Sharon - The original bitch queen, uses everyone she meets. Shauna - Lives in a trailer, has 16 kids each with a different surname. Shelly - very cute, but a bit of a soft-hearted slapper. Sheree - Cute, but very loud! desperately needs a volume control. Shirley - Can swallow a Curly Whirly whole, likes bananas. Shona - Librarian by day, exotic dancer by night. Sinead - Wears big knickers and a vest, but is secretly very sexual. Sian - Does mean sheep impression, hates mint sauce. Silka - Appears shy, but secretly Miss Whiplash the dominatrix. Silke - Only ever has sex outdoors near her favourite tree. Simone - Used to be a shotputter from Cardiff. Sonya – intelligent, funny and very talented when it comes to the naughty stuff. Sophia - Beautiful girl with long legs, a shame her arse is the size of a small country. Sophie - Brothel manager because she's too ugly to be a working girl. Stacey - Likes cut off jeans and arseless Speedo's. Steffi - Closet lesbian, maintains heterosexual relationship for effect. Stella - reassuringly expensive, she's worth every penny! Stephanie - Eats Muppets, wears Brogues. Sue/Susanne - should shave more often, wears Denim aftershave. Very fertile. Summer - wears flowers in her hair, a pretty dress, and no knickers. Sylvia - loves the outdoors. Mad. Tammy - Kind-hearted and generous, particularly in the bedroom. Tanya - Hot minx, too short. Tara - Upper class slapper, enjoys ranom chemicals. Teresa - surprisingly small given the amount of alcohol she drinks. Tina - Face like a smacked arse, should eat less. Tori - Lives in a hedge, can't water ski. Tracy - Easily swayed by alcohol. Mostly seen without underwear. Loves kittens. Tracey - Lesbian. Ursula - Likes puppies,usually in a hot curry. Val - usually drunk, doesn't know where her knickers are. Valerie - quaint and old-fashioned, someones aunt. Vanessa - Beautiful, power-crazy bitch. Veronica - closet lesbian who sleeps around to prove she isn't! Vicki - Likes Yoga. And Women. Vikki - Drinks anything so long as it's got vodka in it. Wendy - Possibly a man. Zakia - Wants to be a spy when she grows up, but needs to wash more often. Zoe - Talentless rock chick. Prepared to use sex as a weapon.

Back in the days of steam locomotives, the engineer was the prince of the engine and made a princely wage; and the fireman who broke his back shovelling coal into the firebox was down at the bottom of the pecking order, and was paid as such. On one particular engine that pulled the daily local freight train, the engineer was forever bumming a chaw of chewing tobacco from the fireman. Every day, after they had cleared the yards and had a good head of steam, the fireman would lean on his shovel, mop his brow and take a wad from his pack of "Red Man", whereupon the engineer would say, "Hey, let me have a dip." The fireman conspired to put an end to this: He arranged to have a pack with one mouthful of tobacco left, and a new, unopened one. As usual, after he was able to take a bit of a break he took the last chaw from the first pack and tossed the empty package into the firebox. The engineer, as usual, asked for a dip, whereupon the firemean opened the new package, stood between the engine and tender and took a leak onto the roadbed from the slowly moving train. Near the end he pointed his pecker into the newly opened bag and let a small stream go. He closed up the pack and shook it, then handed it to the engineer, who looked aghast at him. "What the hell are you doin"??" he asked. "I always do that, keeps it fresh", said the fireman, who was never again asked for any tobacco.

Havent i done it Doris will have too sort that merv

phil Next show i beleive Newton abbot 29th sept too 1st october http://www.westcountrybikeshow.co.uk/ merv