mervin

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane > > when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador > > Retriever in the middle seat next to the man. The first man looked very > > quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane. > > > > The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog was a > > 'sniffing dog'. "His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll >show > > you once we get airborne, when I put him to work." The plane took off, > > and once it has leveled out, the agent said, "Watch this." He told >Sniffer > > to "search". Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally >sat > > very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. > > > > Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent's arm. > > The agent said, "Good boy", and he turned to the man and said, "That >woman > > is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number >and > > the authorities will apprehend her when we land. > > > > "Say, that's pretty neat," replied the first man. > > Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab > > sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its > > seat, > > and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm. > > > > The agent said, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a > > note of his seat number for the police." > > "I like it!" said his seat mate. > > > > The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again. Sniffer walked up and > > down the aisles for a little while, and then came racing back to the > > agent, > > jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the place. > > The first man was really grossed out by this behavior and couldn't > > figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he > > asked > > the agent "What's going on?" > > > > The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb." > > > >

Befroe anyone asks my wife is not among em she is not worth that much anymore.

aha nicked from me which i nicked from the africa twin site merv

well a trike towing a caravan in Holland last week and i thought i had seen it all but, you ask why!!!

Hi lisa nice pussy there i see Merv :rolleyes:

Well one thingfor certain it has got a dead short in the wiring somewhere before the key switch, check along the wiring from the main fuse to see if the insulation has rubbed through and it is contacting metal, Merv

OPENING CEREMONY The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the area, in the traditional dress of balaclava and shell suit. The flame will be contained in a large overturned Police van situated on the roof of the stadium. THE EVENTS In previous Olympic Games, East London's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes. 100 METRES SPRINT Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and microwave oven (one in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a Police dog will be released from a cage 10 meters behind the athletes. 110 METRES HURDLES As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, garden fences, walls etc) HAMMER Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the most physical damage within three timed attempts. FENCING Entrants will be asked to dispose of as many stolen goods as possible in 5 minutes. SHOOTING A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or Securicor-style Cash-in-transit guard. The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in this event by a choice of either a Mac 10 or Sawn-off 12-bore shotgun. BOXING Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of Stella Artois while the wife will be told not to put his pie & mash in the oven when he gets home. The bout will then commence. CYCLING TIME TRIALS Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first trip away from home. All against the clock. CYCLING PURSUIT As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft. MODERN PENTATHLON Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding, arson and generally hanging around. SWIMMING EVENTS All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels, once one is found that can support human life, swimming events will be organized. Please note that the Synchronized Swimming event for this year will comprise of dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the pool, the specific musical support to this event will be provided by "The Verve". THE MARATHON A safe route has yet to be decided. MEN'S 50KM WALK Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the Police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of East London, especially anyone that appears to be mincing. THE CLOSING CEREMONY Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Stratford Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronized rock throwing, and music by the Ilford community choir featuring the So Solid Crew. The flame will be extinguished by police riot water cannon following the inevitable pitch invasion by confused West Ham Organised Hooliganism Club. The stadium itself will then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.

apparently a true letter Rt Hon David Miliband MP Secretary of State, Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs (DEFRA), Nobel House 17 Smith Square London SW1P 3JR 16 May 2007 Dear Secretary of State, My friend, who is in farming at the moment, recently received a cheque for £3,000 from the Rural Payments Agency for not rearing pigs. I would now like to join the “not rearing pigs” business. In your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to rear pigs on, and which is the best breed of pigs not to rear? I want to be sure I approach this endeavour in keeping with all government policies, as dictated by the EU under the Common Agricultural Policy. I would prefer not to rear bacon pigs, but if this is not the type you want not rearing, I will just as gladly not rear porkers. Are there any advantages in not rearing rare breeds such as Saddlebacks or Gloucester Old Spots, or are there too many people already not rearing these? As I see it, the hardest part of this programme will be keeping an accurate record of how many pigs I haven’t reared. Are there any Government or Local Authority courses on this? My friend is very satisfied with this business. He has been rearing pigs for forty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was £1,422 in 1968. That is - until this year, when he received a cheque for not rearing any. If I get £3,000 for not rearing 50 pigs, will I get £6,000 for not rearing 100? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 pigs not raised, which will mean about £240,000 for the first year. As I become more expert in not rearing pigs, I plan to be more ambitious, perhaps increasing to, say, 40,000 pigs not reared in my second year, for which I should expect about £2.4 million from your department. Incidentally, I wonder if I would be eligible to receive tradable carbon credits for all these pigs not producing harmful and polluting methane gases? Another point: These pigs that I plan not to rear will not eat 2,000 tonnes of cereals. I understand that you also pay farmers for not growing crops. Will I qualify for payments for not growing cereals to not feed the pigs I don’t rear? I am also considering the “not milking cows” business, so please send any information you have on that too. Please could you also include the current Defra advice on set aside fields? Can this be done on an e-commerce basis with virtual fields (of which I seem to have several thousand hectares)? In view of the above you will realise that I will be totally unemployed, and will therefore qualify for unemployment benefits. I shall of course be voting for your party at the next general election. Yours faithfully, Nigel Johnson-Hill

ok I am still around alex, but wil be off to holland at 11 oclock see you folks again soon merv

http://www.bitzforbikes.co.uk/generalProdu...?ProdTypeID=42# £30 + postage at www.bitzforbikes.co.uk pattern part but maybe it could be adapted. replica RD ones are available for £130 but do not think they will fit merv

if the fork legs are not bent it sounds like it has twisted in the yokes loosen clamp bolts slightly stand in front of bike with front wheel between tour knees grab handlebars and twist it back in line retighten clamp bolts merv

Spokies are lighter than those early mag wheels and i think look better if you are having a set rebuilt use stainless spokes and alloy or stainless rims not too much more expensive and last much better merv

For once i agree with you Eddie, Merv

Does the XS have a seperate starter motor or is it built, if it has seperate motor remove it and fit a blanking plate remove/hide associated wiring maybe a RD400 right hand bar switch may fit and does not have a starter button Merv

Hmm used to get ford tractors doing that all the time years ago but never a bike merv

Yes lats relaunch vibrations and all and the RD400 aircooled as well and lets get Laverda to relaunch the jota while we are at it merv

Have you tried Allens they are mikuni dealers www.allensperformance.co.uk mervin

I do, not my letter though :rolleyes: :roll :lol: :lol: eyes: :rolleyes: merv

To my darling husband, Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me. I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage b door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car. I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart. I am enclosing a picture for you. I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again. Your loving wife. P.S. Your girlfriend called.

Happy birthday mozzy spose yuo cant help owning a ford <Merv :rolleyes:

Drewpy good point about breaking seal there, I forgot that, though usually if you have punctured it and run it flat the seal is broken anyhow, will not go into the agricultral tyres and using JCB,s to push tyres out of split rims!!! merv

Get hold of a copy of Motorcycle and scooter maintenance manual by Hugo Wilson ISBN-7513-0402-6 a very good guide for beginners even if you are not intending to do any work yourself it will give you a good insight into how the thing works merv

you will need to remove rear wheel, remove air valve to release any remaining air, then with a set of tyre levers/irons, start to lever the tyre over the rim,start at the valve, when you have removed on side remove tube, check inside of tyre for any foreign objects, I:E the screw ( do not omit to do this i once found 27 thorns in a tractor tyre ) fit new tube put tyre back on opposite valve then work it back over the rim, you will have to lever the last bit back, now here is the trickey bit be very careful levering the tyre back it is very easy to trap the tube between the rim and iron/lever as you put it back on, mervin

Scott may know

was in ASDA buying a large bag of Winalot for my dogs and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog........ Duh! I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost fifty pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms. Her eyes about bugged out of her head. I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it . I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her. Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital. I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls when a car hit me. ALMART INTERVIEW An office manager at Wal-Mart had to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?" Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT" It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of." "That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he asked the second man. "Hmm! Let me see. A BLINK! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened.A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of." "Excellent!" said the interviewer... "The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed." He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply. Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of." The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light," he said. Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question. Old Bubba replied, "After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known to man is DIARRHEA." "WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response. "Oh I can explain." said Old Bubba. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling good, and I ran for the bathroom, but, before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I sh*t in my pants."