Paddy and Mick are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill.
One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw.
Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.
Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick.
The nurse says, 'Oh he's out in Rehab exercising'. Paddy couldn't believe it, but here's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.
A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw thingamebob.
So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to hospital.
Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is.
The nurse replies, 'He's out in the Rehab again exercising' and sure enough, here's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work.
But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head. Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital. Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is.
The nurse breaks down and cries and says, 'He's dead.'
Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. 'I suppose the saw finally did him in.'
'No', says the nurse, 'Some dopey bugger put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated'.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Betty Sue' written on it."
He says, "Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? 'Betty Sue' was the name of the horse I went there to bet on." She shrugs and walks away. Three days later he's reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She answers, "Your horse called."
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A man with a gun went into a bank and demanded their money. Once he was given the money, he turned to a customer and asked, "Did you see me rob this bank?" The man replied, "Yes sir, I did."
The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly. He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
The man replied, "No sir, I didn't, but my wife did."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,
'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?'
To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says,
'Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'
Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'
A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. Paddy guessed 2 this time... The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time.'
As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, 'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.' Paddy replied, 'No it ain't, Mick. It's not rigged at all at all. MY WIFE WON TWICE LAST WEEK
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.
About halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.
"The sharks got 'em."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.
The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings"
The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.
The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."
The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."
The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.
The thin one leaned over and said,'Life is so boring. We never have any fun any more. For $10 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!'
'You're on!' said the other old lady, holding up a $10 bill.
The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.
Finally, the smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.
'What happened?' asked her waiting friend.
'I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement'.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan , was being interviewed
by a French journalist and animal rights activist.The discussion came around to deer
hunting. The journalist asked, "What do you think is the last thought in the head
of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it 'Are
you the one
who killed my brother?' "
Nugent replied, "Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is,
'What am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough
to get away. They are very much like the French." The interview ended at that
point.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.' He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.
Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely......."Are my Test Results Back"???
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
Satan walked up to the man & said: 'Do you know who I am?'
The man replied: 'Yep, sure do.'
'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.
'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.
'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.
'Don't doubt it for a minute.' replied the old man in an even tone.
'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?'' persisted Satan.
'Yep.' was the calm reply.
'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.
'Nope.' said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked: 'Why aren't you raid of me? '
The man calmly replied,
'Been married to your sister for 48 years.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There were these two guys working late in a morgue, when one guy said, “Hey man there is a woman in there with a shrimp in her vagina!”
The other asked, “What is a shrimp doing a dead woman's vagina? Let me go see.” Both of them went in the room with the woman, and they both curiosly looked. Finally, the second man said, “You idiot, this ain't no shrimp it's a clitoris.”
And the other man replied, “Well, it tasted like shrimp to me.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two boys walk home from Sunday school after hearing a powerful sermon on the devil.
One boy says, "I'm really scared about all this Satan stuff."
The other boy replies, "Don't worry. You know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your dad again."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was Scotland v Wales 'International' rugby weekend in Edinburgh and as the crowds made their way down Princes Street towards Murrayfield, a Rottweiler suddenly lunged towards an eight year old Scottish lass, with its jaws wide open ready to attack.
The crowd nearby gasped in horror but, quick as a flash, a man jumped out of the crowd, grabbed the dog by the throat and throttled it.
As the dead dog lay there, and the crowd cheered in admiration, a journalist from the Glasgow Herald who had witnessed the heroic deed, went up to the man and said,
'That was brilliant, I can see the headline now.'
'Welsh Rugby Fan Saves Young Girl From Certain Death.'
The man replied, 'No you've got it wrong. I'm not here for the rugby!'
'Don't worry' said the journalist, 'I can see the headline now.'
'Welshman Saves Girl From Jaws Of Rottweiler'
The man replied, 'No you're wrong again. I'm not Welsh; I'm from Berkshire ..'
The journalist said, 'Don't worry; I can see the headline now'
'Englishman Strangles Family Pet!!!!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde, female crew member to take care of the box for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.
He pointedly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, mentioned that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans , please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My favourite this week is this one..............
Lucinda was travelling home from work, it had been snowing most of the afternoon and now there was a thick blanket of snow covering and disguising all the familiar landmarks, which lined her route.
After she had been driving a while and should have reached home she realised that she was completely lost and could see nothing for the snow swirling over her windscreen.
She remembered what her Dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow plough and follow it. "
Pretty soon a snow plough came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plough for a long while. Finally the driver of the plough stopped then he got out and asked her why she was following him. She explained that her Dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plough. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Waitrose car park now you can follow me over to Tesco, I have to do their car park as well! ............
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A doctor calls his patient and says; the cheque you gave me for my bill came back.
The patient replied: So did my arthritis.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quote of the week for me was this sent in from Syd in Espana............
One thing about men from Australia , is that their hearts, and humour, are always in the right place!
T. B. Bechtel, a City Councillor from Newcastle, Australia, was asked on a local live radio talk show, just what he thought about the allegations of torturing suspected terrorists.
His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience.
HIS STATEMENT:
'If hooking up a terrorist prisoner's nuts to a car's battery cables, will save just one Australian's life, then I have just three things to say,'
'Red is positive,
Black is negative, and
Make sure his nuts are wet.'
I agree with that 100%
~~~~~~~~~~~
This one has been thru before but its a good reminder to use spellcheck..............
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies
The head monk, says, 'We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.'
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
'We missed the R ! We missed the R !
We missed the R !'
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, 'What's wrong, father?'
With a choking voice, the old abbot replies,
'The word was... CELEB R ATE !!!
~~~~~~~~~~~
