Moderator mervin Posted December 23, 2007 Moderator Share Posted December 23, 2007 Two men in India were arrested for burning an effigy of Jad Goody. They were later released when it was discovered that they were just barbecueing a pig. ---------------------------------------------------------- the world famous hypnotist the amazing clyde got a group of hell angels on stage and told them to keep their eyes on the watch. as the watch moved to and fro he said;"you are in my power you will do what ever i say " with that he dropped the watch onto the stage, he said "oh f**k me.........." --------------------------------------------------------- A teenager comes home from school and asks her mother "Is it true what Rita just told me? Babies come out of the same place where boys put their dicks?" "Yes, dear" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter. "But then when I have a baby," responded the teenager "won't it knock my teeth out?" ======================================================= t was entertainment night at the Senior Center and the Amazing Clyde was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Clyde went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience." The excitement was almost electric as Clyde withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations. " He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from Clyde 's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. "sh*t" said Clyde . It took three days to clean up the senior center ======================================================== An elderly couple had been dating for some time and decided it was finally time to marry. Before the wedding they embarked on a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old man decided it was time to broach the subject of their connubial relationship, "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather hopefully. "Oh, I like to have it infrequently," she responded. The old guy thought for a moment, then asked, "Was that one word or two ======================================================== Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall Humpty Dumpty had a great fall The structure of the wall was incorrect So he won a grand with Claims Direct. It's Raining, It's Pouring. Oh sh*t, it's Global Warming. Mary had a little lamb her father shot it dead. Now it goes to school with her between two chunks of bread. Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair. Said Simple Simon to the pie man "What have u got there?" Said the pie man unto Simon Pies you d*ckhead. Mary had a little lamb it ran into a pylon. 10,000 volts went up it's a*se and turned its wool to nylon. Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie kissed the girls and made them cry. When the boys came out to play he kissed them too cause he was gay. Jack and Jill Went up the hill And planned to do some kissing. Jack made a pass and grabbed her ass Now two of his teeth are missing. Mary had a little lamb Its fleece was white and wispy. Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease And now it's black and crispy. __________________ What did Adam say on the day before Christmas ? It's Christmas, Eve ! How do you make an idiot laugh on boxing day ? Tell him a joke on Christmas Eve ! What do you have in December that you don't have in any other month ? The letter "D" ! What does Father Christmas suffer from if he gets stuck in a Santa Claustrophobia ! What do you call a letter sent up the chimney on Christmas Eve ? Black mail ! Who delievers cat's Christmas presents ? Santa Paws ! Why does Father Christmas go down the chimney ? Because it soots him ! Who delievers elephants's Christmas presents? Elephanta Claus ! How many chimney does Father Christmas go down ? Stacks ! Why is Santa like a bear on Christmas Eve ? Because he's Sooty ------------------------------------------------- Bad Taste Jokes What's the worst part about getting a lung transplant? The first couple of times you cough, its not your phlegm... Saint Peter was manning the Pearly Gates when forty scousers showed up. Never having seen anyone from Liverpool at heaven's door, Saint Peter said he would have to check with God. After hearing the news, God instructed him to admit the ten most virtuous from the group. A few minutes later, Saint Peter returned to God breathless and said, "They're gone!" "What? All of the Scousers are gone?" asked God. "No!" replied Saint Peter. "The Pearly Gates!" Two queers, Roger and Colin, are walking through London Zoo one day when they come across the "Rwandan Silverback Gorilla" cage. Sitting upright just inside the bars is an eight foot muscle bound Silverback Gorilla and Colin; being as gay as you like; can't help but notice its massive, thick penis hanging there. "Ooooooh....Look at the donger on him, Roger !" Squeals Colin excitedly "I've never had one that size in my hand before !" Unable to contain himself, he reaches through the bars and strokes the apple sized bell-end of the ape. Roger tries to pull his boyfriend away but its too late.......the gorilla's shovel like hands clasp Colin's wrist and yank him through the bars, into the cage. Roger screams in a gay fashion as Colin is dragged into the gorillas bamboo hut. Whilst in there, Colin is subjected to a very very very rough bout of anal sex with the Silverback. Roger covers his ears to block Colin's screams and runs to get help. It takes three and a half hours for the Zoo Staff to lure the ape out and fire a tranquilliser dart at its arse. They call an ambulance and Colin is rushed to hospital for major ring piece surgery. A few days later Roger decides to visit his gay pal Colin in Hospital as he hears that he's regained consciousness. Colin is in his bed, crying his eyes out when Roger walks in. "How are you feeling darling ?" asks Roger quietly. "Awful !" whimpers Colin "That ****ing gorilla shagged my arse rotten! >"Does it hurt ?" asked Roger "HURT ?" replies Colin, tears rolling down his cheeks "HURT?.......HE HASN'T CALLED, HE HASN'T WRITTEN....OF COURSE IT BLOODY HURTS Bloke driving along in the car, when he gets pulled over by plod. Police Officer says "Having you been drinking sir?" Driver replies "Why, Is there a fat bird in the passenger seat!" Michael Jackson and the doctor are walking out of the delivery room after his wife gives birth to their son. Michael says, "How long before we can have sex?" The doctor says, "At least wait until he's walking." A woman is shopping in the local supermarket. She selects some milk, some eggs, a carton of juice, and a package of bacon. As she unloads her items at the cash register to pay, a man standing behind her in line watches her place the four items on the belt and states with assurance, "You must be single." The woman looks at the four items on the belt, and seeing nothing unusual about her selection says, "That's right. How on earth did you know." He replies, "Because you're ****ing ugly!" A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train, after the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket." The man leans out and with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea.... let's pretend we're married" "Why not", giggles the woman. "Good", he replies, "Get your own ****ing blanket!" A no-good husband had been laying out, drinking and chasing women, then came home about 3am. Knowing he would be in BIG trouble, he came up with a plan... he'd sneak into the bedroom and perform oral sex on the wife. THAT always made her happy. Sure enough, he snuck into the dark bedroom, slipped quietly over to the bed and did the oral sex. She sleepily moaned and groaned, so he knew everything was ok. Afterwards, he went into the bathroom to brush his teeth. When he flipped on the light, to his astonishment, he saw his wife sitting on the toilet! "WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE??" He yells! "shhhh", she whispered..."you'll wake Mother!" After the Great British Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says "Hey Sen~or, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me "The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it. The guy from Guinness sits down and says "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" The Guinness president replies "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I." ------------------------------------------------- > Why females should avoid a > girls night out after they are married.... > > If this does not make you laugh out loud, you have lost your sense of > humor. > > The other night I was invited out for a night with the "girls." > > I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" > Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. > Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. > > Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up > and cuckooed 3 times. > > Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed > another > > 9 times. > > I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted > solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. > > (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 > cuckoos > > MIDNIGHT!) > The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him > "MIDNIGHT"... he didn't seem pissed off in the least. > > Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said "We need a new > cuckoo > clock." > > When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed > three times, then said "oh sh*t." Cuckooed 4 more times, > cleared its > throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, > and > then > tripped over the coffee table and farted. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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