2012 olympics

[mervin]

OPENING CEREMONY

The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the

area, in the traditional dress of balaclava and shell suit. The flame

will be contained in a large overturned Police van situated on the roof

of the stadium.

THE EVENTS

In previous Olympic Games, East London's competitors have not been

particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the

events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.

100 METRES SPRINT

Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and microwave oven (one in

each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a Police dog will be

released from a cage 10 meters behind the athletes.

110 METRES HURDLES

As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, garden

fences, walls etc)

HAMMER

Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use

(claw, sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the most

physical damage within three timed attempts.

FENCING

Entrants will be asked to dispose of as many stolen goods as possible in

5 minutes.

SHOOTING

A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first

target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors

will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or Securicor-style

Cash-in-transit guard. The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in

this event by a choice of either a Mac 10 or Sawn-off 12-bore shotgun.

BOXING

Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and

will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of Stella Artois

while the wife will be told not to put his pie & mash in the oven when he gets

home. The bout will then commence.

CYCLING TIME TRIALS

Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and

take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first

trip away from home. All against the clock.

CYCLING PURSUIT

As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the

Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.

MODERN PENTATHLON

Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding,

arson and generally hanging around.

SWIMMING EVENTS

All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels, once one

is found that can support human life, swimming events will be organized.

Please note that the Synchronized Swimming event for this year will

comprise of dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the

pool, the specific musical support to this event will be provided by

"The Verve".

THE MARATHON

A safe route has yet to be decided.

MEN'S 50KM WALK

Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the Police cannot

guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of East London,

especially anyone that appears to be mincing.

THE CLOSING CEREMONY

Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the

Stratford Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronized

rock throwing, and music by the Ilford community choir featuring the So

Solid Crew.

The flame will be extinguished by police riot water cannon following the

inevitable pitch invasion by confused West Ham Organised Hooliganism

Club. The stadium itself will then be boarded up before the local

athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central

heating boiler.