Female guiness records NWS (not wife safe)

[mervin]

CAR PARKING

The smallest kerbside space successfully reversed into by a woman was one of

19.36m (63ft 2 ins), equivalent to three standard parking spaces, by Mrs

Elizabeth Simpkins, driving an unmodified Vauxhall Nova 'Swing' on 12th

October 1993. She started the manoeuvre at 11.15am in Ropergate, Pontefract,

and successfully parked within three feet of the pavement, 8 hours and 14

minutes later. There was slight damage to the bumpers and wings of her own

and two adjoining cars, as well as a shop frontage and two lamp posts.

INCORRECT DRIVING

The longest journey completed with the handbrake on was one of 50.4km (31

miles) from Stranraer to Holyhead by Dr. Julie Thorn (GB) at the wheel of a

Saab 900 on the 2nd April 1987. Dr. Thorn smelled burning two miles into her

journey at Aird but pressed on to Holyhead with smoke billowing from the

rear wheels. This journey also holds the records for the longest completed

journey with the choke fully out and the right indicator flashing.

SHOP DITHERING

The longest time spent dithering in a shop was 12 days between 21st August

and 2nd September 1995 by Mrs. Sandra Wilks (GB) in the Birmingham Branch of

Dorothy Perkins. Entering the shop on a Saturday morning, Mrs Wilks could

not choose between two near identical dresses which were both in the sale.

After one hour, her husband, sitting on a chair by the changing room with

his head in his hands, told her to buy both. Mrs Wilks eventually bought one

for £12.99, only to return the next day and exchange it for the other one.

To date, she has yet to wear it. Mrs Wilks also holds the record for window

shopping longevity, when, starting September 12th 1995, she stood motionless

gazing at a pair of shoes in Clinkard's window in Kidderminster for 3 weeks

and two days before eventually going home.

JUMBLE SALE MASSACRE

The greatest number of old ladies to perish whilst fighting was at jumble

sale in 1998, at a Methodist Church Hall in Castleford, West Yorkshire on

February 12th 1991. When the doors opened at 10.00am, the initial scramble

to get in cost 16 lives, a further 25 being killed in the crush at the first

table. A seven-way skirmish then broke out over a pinafore dress costing 10p

which escalated into a full scale melee resulting in another 18 lives being

lost. A pitched battle over a headscarf then ensued and quickly spread

throughout the hall, claiming 39 old women. The jumble sale raised £5.28 for

local boy scouts.

TALKING ABOUT NOTHING

Mrs Mary Caterham (GB) and Mrs Marjorie Steele (GB) sat in kitchen in

Blackburn, Lancs and talked about nothing whatsoever for four and a half

months from 1st May to 7th August 1978, pausing only for coffee, cakes and

toilet visits. Throughout the whole time, no information was exchanged and

neither woman gained any new knowledge whatsoever. The outdoor record for

talking about nothing is held by Mrs Vera Etherington (GB) and her neighbour

Mrs Dolly Booth (GB) of Ipswich, who between 11th November 1983 and 12th

January 1984 chuntered on over the fence in an unenlightening dialogue

lasting almost 62 days until Mrs Booth remembered she'd left the bath

running.

GOSSIPING

On February 18th 1992, Joyce Blatherwick, a close friend of Agnes Banbury

popped round for a cup of tea and a chat, during the course of which she

told Mrs Banbury, in the strictest confidence, that she was having an affair

with the butcher. After Mrs Blatherwick left at 2.10pm, Mrs Banbury

immediately began to tell everyone, swearing them all to secrecy. By 2.30pm,

she had told 128 people of the news. By 2.50pm it had risen to 372 and by

4.00pm in the afternoon, 2,774 knew of the affair, including the local

Amateur dramatic Society, several knitting circles, a coachload of American

tourists which she flagged down. . . . and the butchers wife! When a tired

Mrs Banbury went to bed at 11.55pm that night, Mrs Blatherwick's affair was

common knowledge to a staggering 75,338 people, enough to fill Wembley

Stadium.

GROUP LOO VISITS

The record for the largest group of women to visit a loo simultaneously is

held by 147 workers at the Department of Social Security, Longbenton. At

their annual Christmas celebration at a night club in Newcastle-Upon-Tyne on

October 12th 1994, Mrs Beryl Crabtree got up to go to the loo and was

immediately followed by 146 other members of the party. Moving as a mass,

the group entered the ladies at 9.52pm and , after waiting for everyone to

finish, emerged 2hrs 37minutes later.

FILM CONFUSION

The greatest length of time a woman has watched a film with her husband

without asking a stupid plot-related question was achieved on the 28th

October 1990, when Mrs Ethel Brunswick sat down with her husband to watch

'The Ipcress File'. She watched in silence for a breath-taking 2 mins 40

secs before asking "is he a goodie or a baddie, then, him in the glasses?",

revealing a staggering level of ignorance. This broke her own record set in

1962 when she sat through 2mins 38 secs of '633 Squadron' before asking, "is

this a war film, is it?"

SINGLE BREATH SENTENCE

An Oxfordshire woman today became the first ever to break the thirty minute

barrier for talking without drawing breath. mrs Mavis Sommer4s, 48 of Cowley

smashed the previous record of 23 minutes when she excitedly reported an

argument she'd had in the butchers to her neighbour. She ranted on for a

staggering 32 minutes and 12 seconds without pausing for air, before going

blue and collapsing in a heap on the ground. She was taken to Radcliffe

Infirmary in a wheelbarrow but was released later after check-ups. At the

peak of her mammoth motormouth marathon, she achieved an unbelievable 680

words per minute, repeating the main points of the story an amazing 114

times whilst her neighbour, Mrs Dolly Knowles, nodded and tutted. The last

third of the sentence was delivered in a barely audible croak, the last two

minutes being mouthed only, accompanied by vigorous gesticulations and

indignant spasms.

TRAFFIC LIGHT COSMETICS

The longest spell spent oblivious to traffic lights whilst applying make up

was one of 1hr 51mins and 38secs by Miss J. Dobson at a road junction in the

centre of Preston on the 1st August 1995. Miss Dobson, a piano teacher,

beautified herself through 212 cycles of the light, creating a tailback of

irate motorists stretching 28 miles towards Leeds.

[Guest Tomg]

hahaha

te first one is funnyer as my friend today as she failed to parralel park her car as she was moving off from attemptig to enter the space swung out to far and crunched another car, putting a minor dent and scrathces to her own. HAHAHA!!!

[Black in France]

Très amusant, monsieur Mervin!

What about mrs Trellis from north Wales? (She's the lady who writes in to Humphrey Littleton on I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue)

BeePee

[yamman06]

[mervin]

this came from saddler on the RD forum for those of you in other countries Daventry is on the M6 motorway about the same distance in the opposite diretction to liverpool from her starting point

Can we add the longest journey in the wrong direction to that list?

My mates missus worked for TNT on the admin side and had to travel from Walsall to Liverpool for a meeting. She was a bit nervous about driving on the M6 motorway, so after an hour or so my mate rang her to see if she had arrived safely

“Not yet she replied, I’ve just passed the Daventry exit though”

[Alex]

Classic