after the obituary comes this

[mervin]

first is terrible second just bad

A young man walks onto the stage of Stars in their Eyes, on crutches, with a plaster cast from his feet to his hips.

Matthew Kelly Introduces him as Simon. 'It's very brave of you to come out here,' says Matthew. 'Please tell the audience what happened?'

'Well' replies Simon 'about a year ago, I was driving with my uncle when we had a really bad accident.

Unfortunately my uncle was killed outright but I survived. I was trapped in the car for six hours before I was eventually cut free.' 'The doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours but they couldn't save my legs.'

'That's terrible. But I see you have legs now. Are they artificial? 'asks Matthew.

'No Matthew, while I was in hospital the doctors informed me that my uncle had in fact died, but that his legs were fine and with all the advances in medical science, they could graft the bottom half of his body onto mine. As you can see the operation was successful.

I have been having physiotherapy for six months and hope to be walking fully again by the end of the year. A huge round of applause erupts from the audience.

Kelly responds with: 'That's an unbelievable story. So tonight, who are you going to be?'

Scroll down...

Keep going this is great....

It's worth it honest....

.

'Tonight, Matthew, I am going to be Simon and Halfuncle'

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Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle. He doesn't have

much luck, until one day he comes across a

beautiful Harley with a 'For Sale' sign on it.

The

bike seems even more beautiful than a new one,

although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in

absolutely mint condition. He immediately buys

it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such

great condition for 10 years.

"Well, it's quite simple really" says the seller,

"Whenever the bike is outside and it's going to

rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it

from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of

Vaseline.

That night his girlfriend Sandra invites him over

to meet her parents for the first time. Naturally

they take the bike there, but just before they

enter the house Sandra stops him and says "I have

to tell you something about my family before we

go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. Not a

single word. In fact, the first person who says

anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

"No problem" he says, and in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the

living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In

the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes.

Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor,

everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down

to dinner, and sure enough no one says a single

word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take

advantage of the situation.

So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a

word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.

Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs

her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the

table, and screws her right there, in front of

her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is

obviously livid, and her mum horrified when he

sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at Sandra's mum. "She's got a great

body", he thinks. So he grabs the mum, bends her

over the dinner table, and has his way with her

every which way right there on the dinner table.

Now his girlfriend is furious, and her dad is

boiling ... but still total silence !

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder,

and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his

motorcycle, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from

his pocket.

Suddenly the father leaps up and backs away from

the table, shouting "All right, enough already,

I'll do the f***n dishes!"

[ANDYROSE]

Yes Merv,

The first one is terrible . But the second one is actually quite good imho

Andy