Moderator mervin Posted August 30, 2006 Moderator Share Posted August 30, 2006 first is terrible second just bad A young man walks onto the stage of Stars in their Eyes, on crutches, with a plaster cast from his feet to his hips. Matthew Kelly Introduces him as Simon. 'It's very brave of you to come out here,' says Matthew. 'Please tell the audience what happened?' 'Well' replies Simon 'about a year ago, I was driving with my uncle when we had a really bad accident. Unfortunately my uncle was killed outright but I survived. I was trapped in the car for six hours before I was eventually cut free.' 'The doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours but they couldn't save my legs.' 'That's terrible. But I see you have legs now. Are they artificial? 'asks Matthew. 'No Matthew, while I was in hospital the doctors informed me that my uncle had in fact died, but that his legs were fine and with all the advances in medical science, they could graft the bottom half of his body onto mine. As you can see the operation was successful. I have been having physiotherapy for six months and hope to be walking fully again by the end of the year. A huge round of applause erupts from the audience. Kelly responds with: 'That's an unbelievable story. So tonight, who are you going to be?' Scroll down... Keep going this is great.... It's worth it honest.... . 'Tonight, Matthew, I am going to be Simon and Halfuncle' ------------------------------------------------------------------- Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck, until one day he comes across a beautiful Harley with a 'For Sale' sign on it. The bike seems even more beautiful than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolutely mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. "Well, it's quite simple really" says the seller, "Whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline. That night his girlfriend Sandra invites him over to meet her parents for the first time. Naturally they take the bike there, but just before they enter the house Sandra stops him and says "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. Not a single word. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes." "No problem" he says, and in they go. Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner, and sure enough no one says a single word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mum horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. He looks at Sandra's mum. "She's got a great body", he thinks. So he grabs the mum, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious, and her dad is boiling ... but still total silence ! All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his motorcycle, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father leaps up and backs away from the table, shouting "All right, enough already, I'll do the f***n dishes!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ANDYROSE Posted August 31, 2006 Share Posted August 31, 2006 Yes Merv, The first one is terrible . But the second one is actually quite good imho Andy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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