Moderator mervin Posted May 20, 2006 Moderator Share Posted May 20, 2006 > A Texas Chilli Contest - **Note: Please take time to read this slowly. > > > > If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the > > third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in > > Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chilli > > Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major > > portion of the parking lot at the city park. > > > > The notes are from an inexperienced Chilli taster named Frank, who > > was visiting from Canada. Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be > > selected as a judge at a chilli cook-off. The original person called > > in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at > > the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, > > when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native > > Texans) that the chilli wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, > > they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I > > accepted". > > > > Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge #3) > > > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > Chilli # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chilli > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge # > > 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild. Judge # 3 -- (Frank) > > Holy sh!t, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint > > from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope > > that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. > > > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > Chilli # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chilli > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of > > pork. Slight jalapeno tang. Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavour, needs > > more peppers to be taken seriously. > > Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what > > I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who > > wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer > > when they saw the look on my face. > > > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > Chilli # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chilli. Great kick. Needs more > > beans. Judge # 2 -- A beanless chilli, a bit salty, good use of > > peppers. Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My > > nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the > > routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me > > on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm > > getting sh!t- faced from all of the beer. > > > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > Chilli # 4 Bubba's Black Magic ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > Judge # 1 -- Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing. > > Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for > > fish or other mild foods, not much of a chilli.. Judge # 3 -- I felt > > something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is > > it possible to burn out taste buds?Sally, the barmaid, was standing > > behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb [witch] is starting to look > > HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chilli an > > aphrodisiac? > > > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > Chilli # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, > > adding considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge # 2 -- Chilli using > > shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers > > make a strong statement. Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is > > pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted > > and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed > > offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. > > Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it > > from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really > > p!sses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. > > Screw those rednecks. > > > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > Chilli # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance > > of spices and peppers. Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of > > peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. > > Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, > > sulphuric flames. I sh!t myself when I farted and I'm worried it will > > eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except > > that Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips > > anymore. I need to wipe my ars@ with a snow cone. > > > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > Chilli # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chilli > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned > > peppers. Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw > > in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. **I should take note > > that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of > > distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. Judge # 3 -- You could put > > a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. > > I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of > > rushing water. My shirt is covered with chilli which slid unnoticed > > out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like sh!t to match my > > shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. > > I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not > > getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in > > through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. > > > > > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > Chilli # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chilli > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chilli. Not > > too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge # 2 -- > > This final entry is a good, balance chilli. Neither mild nor > > hot.Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, > > passed out, fell over and pulled the chilli pot down on top of > > himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how > > he'd have reacted to really hot chilli Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cidered666 Posted May 21, 2006 Share Posted May 21, 2006 Nice one Merv I just noticed that whenever you post a gag all I ever reply is 'nice one Merv', so I'll add a bit more. This one made me larf till I wept esp. @ the bit where novice judge sh*t himself. Keep trawling the gusset of the internet and keep us posted with your finds. Much appreciated Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator mervin Posted May 21, 2006 Author Moderator Share Posted May 21, 2006 trawling the gusset of the internet, dont need to the inmates of the backyard on the lc forum do it for me and sometimes south west bikers forum members. merv Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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