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http://youtu.be/ZKLnhuzh9uY

also available for men... "trap-a-crap"

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Q. Why did Sara fall off the swing?

A. Cos she had no arms!

'Knock knock'

'Who's there?'

'Not Sara'

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(Yes I know I need to get out more!)

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An Emergency Call Centre worker in London has been dismissed from her job,

much to the dismay of colleagues, who are reportedly unhappy with her treatment.

It seems that a male caller dialled 999 from a mobile phone stating, ....

"I am depressed and lying here on a railway track. I am waiting for the train to come so I can finally meet Allah."

Apparently "remain calm and stay on the line" was not considered to be an appropriate or correct response...

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haha merv I just got that one and was about to post it as well

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passing your motorcycle test prepares you for the road like shagging in the back of a transit van prepares you for married life"
Barry Sheene

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A mother is making a cake for her three sons when she accidentaly dropps some Air rifle BB's from the shelf into the batter. She decides that it won't matter and continues to make the cake. Later that day, her sons eat the cake and don't even notice the BBs.

The next day, when the mother is reading a magazine on the couch, one of her sons runs in saying, ''Mom, mom, I pissed out a beebee!''
She says ''That's okay, son. I accidentaly dropped some beebees into the cake batter. You'll be fine.''

Five minutes later, one of the other sons, come running in and he says, ''Mom, mom, I-'' but the mother cuts him off and she says, ''I know, I know, you pissed out a beebee. I dropped it into the cake batter, but you'll be fine.''

Then her last son runs in the room, and he says, ''Mom, mom, I-'' and the mother cuts him off and says, ''I know, I know, you pissed out a beebee. It's my fault for dropping it in the cake batter, but you'll be fine.'' But then son says, ''No, no, I was having a wank and I shot the dog!"

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The blonde walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell anything called bottom deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures him that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.

"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."

"But I always get it here," says the blonde.

"Do you have the container it comes in?"

"Yes!" says the blonde, "I will go and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist, who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."

The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container: "To apply, push up bottom."

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The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the A2 in Kent recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by cars. The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck"

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Ya ever drunk baileys from a shoe?

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Last night my wife sent me a text, saying she was in casualty. So when I got home I watched all 50 minutes of it, and never once saw her in it, the lying cow...... She still hasn't come home yet and I'm starving....!!!!
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