Noise Posted August 23, 2016 Posted August 23, 2016 Dear Asda, Last week I purchased some of your "smart price" toilet tissue and I have some thoughts to share with you. For my first use I folded it twice like I normally would, but it was so weak it broke, at which point I realised I had fingered myself. That's right. No romance, no weekend in Venice, just one swift digit up the wrong 'un in a cold bathroom in Nottingham. So what exactly is "smart" about "smart price"? My eyes certainly smarted a bit as I jabbed at my rectum. I spent the next few minutes in the saddest bathroom scene since Oscar Pistorius, debating whether to sacrifice a bath towel, a sock or the fleece of the first staff member I find at my local store. A few more minutes passed, the anger subsided and I made a second attempt. You see this stuff might be half the price of branded stuff, but I found I needed to bandage it tightly 7-8 times around my hand to prevent me from molesting myself a second time, leaving me looking like an Egyptian mummy that's just performed a prostate exam. The feeling of shame was soon replaced with regret, as I realised I had better things within arms reach to do the job. Even the pumice stone on the edge of my bath looked like it could do a better job than the stuff you supply. I noticed in the news today your sales have dropped 7.5% in 3 months. Looks like it's not just the competition you can't wipe out! Yours truly, Ben Martin 3 Quote
slice Posted August 25, 2016 Posted August 25, 2016 He's in Beverly Hills Sacha that should say it all. 1 Quote
Noise Posted August 25, 2016 Posted August 25, 2016 I could really do with a set of those for my two girls! Haha 2 Quote
sniff6 Posted September 9, 2016 Author Posted September 9, 2016 I think the ant bite reminds me of something 3 Quote
KevtheRev Posted September 10, 2016 Posted September 10, 2016 The teacher asked young Billy to form a sentence using the word " Contagious " . Billy thought for a minute and answered - " When my Dad saw the decorator coming up the garden with a 2 inch brush he told my Mum that if he's gonna paint the ceiling with that, it'll take the contagious ". 3 Quote
Sacha Posted September 11, 2016 Posted September 11, 2016 My dad's to-do list this morning. What a character. 1 Quote
KevtheRev Posted September 19, 2016 Posted September 19, 2016 An old retired ex-prostitute was giving an interview to a young journalist during which she described her "career" , and the history of the trade in the local area . " Were you ever picked up by the Fuzz?", asked the hip young journalist . "No Sonny", she replied , " But I have been swung around by me tits a few times !". 4 Quote
Tommy xs Posted September 25, 2016 Posted September 25, 2016 2 hours ago, drewpy said: cruel Yes she's at least a 4 1 Quote
slice Posted September 26, 2016 Posted September 26, 2016 Seems funny from one angle right up till it's your daughter! 3 Quote
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