August 23, 20168 yr Dear Asda, Last week I purchased some of your "smart price" toilet tissue and I have some thoughts to share with you. For my first use I folded it twice like I normally would, but it was so weak it broke, at which point I realised I had fingered myself. That's right. No romance, no weekend in Venice, just one swift digit up the wrong 'un in a cold bathroom in Nottingham. So what exactly is "smart" about "smart price"? My eyes certainly smarted a bit as I jabbed at my rectum. I spent the next few minutes in the saddest bathroom scene since Oscar Pistorius, debating whether to sacrifice a bath towel, a sock or the fleece of the first staff member I find at my local store. A few more minutes passed, the anger subsided and I made a second attempt. You see this stuff might be half the price of branded stuff, but I found I needed to bandage it tightly 7-8 times around my hand to prevent me from molesting myself a second time, leaving me looking like an Egyptian mummy that's just performed a prostate exam. The feeling of shame was soon replaced with regret, as I realised I had better things within arms reach to do the job. Even the pumice stone on the edge of my bath looked like it could do a better job than the stuff you supply. I noticed in the news today your sales have dropped 7.5% in 3 months. Looks like it's not just the competition you can't wipe out! Yours truly, Ben Martin
September 10, 20168 yr The teacher asked young Billy to form a sentence using the word " Contagious " . Billy thought for a minute and answered - " When my Dad saw the decorator coming up the garden with a 2 inch brush he told my Mum that if he's gonna paint the ceiling with that, it'll take the contagious ".
September 19, 20168 yr An old retired ex-prostitute was giving an interview to a young journalist during which she described her "career" , and the history of the trade in the local area . " Were you ever picked up by the Fuzz?", asked the hip young journalist . "No Sonny", she replied , " But I have been swung around by me tits a few times !".
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