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A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant.

Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother - he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?" "Denise," the doctor says.

The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!" Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?" The doctor replies, "DeNephew."

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Choosing a wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover.. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man.

She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much..

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She

tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then he married the one with the biggest boobs.

Men are like that, you know.

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I was working in Tesco, re-arranging boxes of soap powder in aisle 7, when in walks the girl I shagged the night before! She said "oi u told me u was a stunt pilot .... U lying bastard! ". I replied "no I told u I was part of the Ariel display team!"

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I just bought some deodorant from Lidl.

I now smell like I should be on the Jeremy Kyle show.

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When I was a teenager I used to wonder what it would be like to fuck a space hopper. After thirty six years of marriage, I now know.

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I used to know a bird that loved an ice cream pushed on her asshole as she was about to cum, she used to sing "Thrust one Cornetto"

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>>>>>> A FARMER'S LOGIC
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>> You know there are so many TV channels, each one starved for new programs.
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>> In a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause of
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>> Mad Cow disease, arranged for an interview with a farmer who might have some theories on the matter.
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>> This “TRUE” interview went as follows:
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>> The lady reporter: “I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease.
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>> Can you offer any reason for this disease?”
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>> The farmer stared at the reporter and said? “Did you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year”?
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>> Reporter: (obviously embarrassed): “Well, sir, that's a new piece of information but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?”
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>> Farmer: “Miss, did you know that we milk a cow twice a day?”
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>> Reporter: “Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?”
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>> Farmer: “I am getting to the point, Miss.” “Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day ... and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?”
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>> THE TV INTERVIEW WAS NEVER AIRED ...
> >>>>>>

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GO CLIPPERS smack that little bitch.

EDIT yes I hate him too not for the fame just cause hes a dick

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Don't know who or what the "CLIPPERS" are but they get my vote for "bitch slap of the week" :biglaugha:

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