Moderator mervin Posted September 21, 2013 Moderator Posted September 21, 2013 The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk. Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply. So, they brought the cow over from Scotland. It was absolutely wonderful, it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy. They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed. The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side." The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered awhile this before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland?" The people were totally dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland. "You are truly a very wise Vet," they said. "How on earth did you know we got the cow from Scotland? The Vet replied with a far-away distant look in his eye: "My wife is from Scotland" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Wife: 'I've eaten so much salad on this diet I'm beginning to look like a rabbit'. Husband: 'It's a pity you didn't f&ck like one'. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I asked the wife 'What do you want for your birthday'? 'Something money can't buy'. Now where the xxxx am I going to get a sense of humour from.. Quote
sniff6 Posted September 24, 2013 Author Posted September 24, 2013 Bacon onion Rings Might have to give these a go sometime,Look tasty http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=fb6_1379775517 I can almost feel my arteries clogging up right now Quote
Moderator Airhead Posted September 24, 2013 Moderator Posted September 24, 2013 1st Day Back at School Attendance call on the first day back at school in Birmingham , UK . The teacher began calling out the names of the pupils: "Mustafa Al Eih Zeri?" "Here." "Achmed El Kabul?" "Here." "Fatima Al Hayek? " "Here." "Ali Abdul Olmi?" "Here." "Mohammed Bin Kadir?" "Here." "Ali Son al Len” Silence in the classroom. "Ali Son al Len" Continued silence as everyone looked around the room. She repeated, "Is this the name of any child here?" A girl stood and said, "I think that's me, Miss. It's pronounced Alison Allen" 2 Quote
AndrewElvisFan Posted September 24, 2013 Posted September 24, 2013 Local spelling competition: Judge: next word, "there" Contestant: Sentence please Judge: "They're going to build their house over there" Quote
Campaman Posted September 25, 2013 Posted September 25, 2013 "They're going to build their house over there" They're and There are pronounced the same so which one should the contestant spell, bit deep but still humorous.... Quote
AndrewElvisFan Posted September 25, 2013 Posted September 25, 2013 "They're going to build their house over there" They're and There are pronounced the same so which one should the contestant spell, bit deep but still humorous.... Ok, so not ROFLMAO funny, but I did groan/smile when I heard it! (Must try harder) Quote
sniff6 Posted September 25, 2013 Author Posted September 25, 2013 My favorite shoelace site http://www.fieggen.com/shoelace/ianknot.htm And Quote
Moderator mervin Posted September 28, 2013 Moderator Posted September 28, 2013 A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is an ageing biker in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties. The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history.Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?" The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet. The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the old fella and asks, "Can you top that?" The tough old biker replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of there............" 4 Quote
Moderator mervin Posted September 28, 2013 Moderator Posted September 28, 2013 Some bloke started talking to me in the pub last night. "My mate came off his motorbike today." he said. "Oh really?" I asked. "Yes," he replied, "He has slight brain damage, two broken arms and is completely blind in one eye." "Blimey," I said, "No wonder he came off it then. 2 Quote
Moderator mervin Posted September 29, 2013 Moderator Posted September 29, 2013 he wife came out of the bathroom and said: “I have just given myself a Brazillian and you know what that means don't you”? I said. “Yeah, the bloody plug hole is blocked again”! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 10 Catholic Priests were killed in a road accident. At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter says. If any of you are Paedophiles, you can F@ck off down to HELL Nine of them start to walk away when St Peter calls out. “And take this deaf b@st@rd with you”. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My missus kicked me out after she caught me measuring the size of my manhood. It just reaches the back of her sister’s throat!” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ A young girl walks into a supermarket and on her way round she sees stacking washing powder boxes on the shelves was the bloke who had his wicked way with her the previous evening after they had met in a pub. "You lying toad" she yells" last night you told me you were stunt pilot" "No" he says "I told you I was a member of the Ariel display team" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "You're a MILK," I said to my wife. "It's MILF, dickhead!" she laughed. "It's not," I said. "I want to kill you, not xxxx you." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Just had a Gipsy at the door selling Lucky Heather. When I refused he tried to sell me Blow Job Brenda.. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Some bloke started talking to me in the pub last night. "My mate came off his motorbike today." he said. "Oh really?" I asked. "Yes," he replied, "He has slight brain damage, two broken arms and is completely blind in one eye." "Blimey," I said, "No wonder he came off it then. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, “If I’m going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman.” She removes all her clothing and asks, “Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?” A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, “Here, iron this!”. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is an ageing biker called Tony and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties. The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?" The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet. The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the Tony and asks, "Can you top that?" Tony replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of there............" --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I was walking in the woods when I saw a "No Dumping" sign. So where do they expect the bears to shit then? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I was checking into my hotel today and the guy in front of me said to the receptionist, ''I hope the porn channel is disabled '' ..... i though christ theres some sick people out there.. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The star of Sabrina The Teenage Witch, Melissa Joan Hart, has admitted in her autobiography that she had experimented with lesbianism and hallucinogenics. It explains a lot really. . . . . . I always wondered why she lived with two 'Aunts' and used to talk to a cat. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- So if the 'white widow' Samantha Lethwaite DID die a martyr in the Nairobi shopping mall attacks, is she now being gang-banged by 72 male muslim virgins? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Apparently the Kenyan terrorists rented a shop in the Nairobi shopping mall. Didn't anyone wonder why the xxxx there was an everything must go firework shop open in the middle of September ? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Miss World has been won by the contestant from the Thailand . She was so excited that she could barely conceal her erection. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Prince William has cancelled a trip to Nairobi due to the shopping centre seige, Kate said whats the point if we cant go shopping ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Last night my mate fell asleep on the couch and got a rude awakening this morning. I told him breaking into DFS was a bad idea. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- HEALTH MESSAGE: 1. If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would be immortal. 2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water and is fat. 3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years. 4. A tortoise doesn't run, does nothing ..yet lives for 450 years. AND YOU TELL ME TO EXERCISE! I'm retired, go around me!! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- According to a recent scientific study, the best way to avoid being killed by a shark is by poking it in the eyes. Not that I class myself as smarter than scientists, but I think I will stick to my current tactic of living in Huddersfield. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I can't believe that Irish serial killer the police have just arrested. He slashed 25 boxes of corn flakes before he got caught! --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Feather cluckers understand a spoonerism ----------------------------------------------------------------------- GET AWAY with fly-tipping by leaving your junk outside charity shops. Top it off with an old board game for authenticity. TRAIN COMPANIES. Simply suffix your train times with '-ish' to avoid so many complaints WOMEN. Save time and money on cinema visits. Despite initial impressions, they do fancy each other and will get together CIGARETTE makers. Have you considered those scary pics on the packet are bad for business? How about a nice pair of t*ts? AVOID chips on your windscreen by not leaving your car parked near the kebab shop on a Saturday night. INTERROGATORS. If you need someone to talk, turn the TV to a programme I want to watch. Works every f**king time in this house BANK ROBBERS. Next time you're on a 'job' wear a tutu, snorkel & nappy so the people who do the reconstruction look like tw*ts. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My girlfriend being the romantic sort just sent me a text.....,,,,,,,,, If you are sleeping send me your dreams. If you are laughing send me your smile. If you are eating send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you are crying send me your tears. I love you x I replied....... I am having a shit. What do I do?.... ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- BBC: Burial space could run out in 20 years Hope this doesn't lead to panic dying... --------------------------------------------------------------------------- I bumped into Paul Weller the other day. He was saying The Jam's success had taken him completely by surprise.They'd originally started out as a Marmalade tribute band. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ If David Cameron and Nick Clegg where drowning and you could only save one of them , Which pub would you go to ? Quote
sniff6 Posted October 1, 2013 Author Posted October 1, 2013 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AxTiaInrLW4 Want one of your own??? http://www.rcgroups.com/forums/showthread.php?s=650f5e162a2a185062ff101b57839b6a&t=2004967&page=1 Quote
Noise Posted October 2, 2013 Posted October 2, 2013 Holy crap thats some skill! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AluijV5unBA Quote
up.yours Posted October 2, 2013 Posted October 2, 2013 i wanted to see it smash into that lamp post Quote
slice Posted October 2, 2013 Posted October 2, 2013 If I could do that I would VOLUNTEER to cut the grass!!!! Quote
slice Posted October 3, 2013 Posted October 3, 2013 Drewpy, NO IT'S NOT, look on good old youtube and be amazed, these guys are something else. I just wish I could do it. Quote
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