~~Daily Feed, post what made you laugh today ~~

[Noise]

ANDY ROONEY ON SEX

1. When I was born, I was given a choice - a big pecker or a good memory....
I don't remember which I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..."

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Question: What's an Australian kiss?
Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.

15. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life?
Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.

16. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!

[mike1949]

16. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.

That is my weakness.

To put it crudely as Foamy says "It's tit Monday"

When I see a bird coming towards me wearing a tee shirt without a brassiere it's like two ferrets having a fight in a sack.

[wild foamy]

I am not crude! ... Just a bit abrupt

But then again, you navy boys are too easy to wind up anyway

[mervin]

The first day of Summer that a lady decides it is warm enough to wear something skimpy.

"Ah, Tit Monday. It's not that far off now, that glorious day when, heading into work on the bus, or walking to the Dart, or sitting on the Luas, you find yourself suddenly chirpier than you have been in months. You find yourself smiling at strangers again. There is a mild involuntary tumescence in your trousers that comes and goes throughout the morning with the comforting regularity of a heartbeat.

And then you get a text around lunchtime from a mate which says: "At last, Tit Monday!" And you instantly understand why you are so happy.For Tit Monday is that special day in the year when, for the first time, the temperature rises above that magical point which causes girls getting dressed in the morning to decide to show a bit of skin. After months of dull colours and chunky knit, the world's birds suddenly dive into last summer's wardrobe (they've not had chance to buy this season's stuff) and chuck it on without a thought. Your urban landscape is suddenly lightened with acres of naked arm and leg and, after many dark months of burrowing, breasts rising to the surface like moles at dusk.

Big breasts in white work shirts straining at the buttons. Small breasts braless in vest tops, the nipples frotted by ribby fabrics. Breasts in summer dresses bouncing in the distance so that they catch your eye before you even notice there is someone wearing them. Breasts nudging out from the crowd at traffic islands, quivering to cross the road... And you know it is nearly summer.

For previous generations, the arrival of spring was heralded by the sound of the first cuckoo. For us, it is Tit Monday. Not that it always falls on a Monday. Like Easter, Tit Monday is a moveable feast. Of course, there is Tit Monday Night. You see, in early summer, temperatures drop off very dramatically when night falls (Tit Friday 2005 dropped away to a parky 11.8C). But the dollies are not prepared. Slightly stunned by the morning heat, they drag out the summer clothes but forget to bring a cardie (a mistake they will not make again until next year),so that when they're all standing outside your local after work celebrating the arrival of spring, their barely covered nipples have no protection from the cold. It's like a Bring-and-Buy sale where everyone has brought hat pegs. It's like a prog-rock gig where, instead of lighters, everyone is holding up nipples. So when will Tit Monday fall this year? Will you be the first to text your mates with the announcement? Do not shoot your bolt too early. There will be false starts. You will smell fresh cut grass and see a couple of early starters and feel compelled to declare Tit Monday. But your more level-headed friends will tell you to hold your horses, keep your powder dry, don't fire until you see the whites of their bra straps.

[AndrewElvisFan]

What a lovely piece of literary expertise! My 8 yr old just asked what I was laughing so hard at! Fucking marvellous - think I may have to steal this!!

Cheers Mervin - made me proper chuckle.

[mervin]

Must admit It aint my literary skill i just copied it

[AndrewElvisFan]

Still very funny! Consider it copied again and stolen!!!

[AndrewElvisFan]

Well has he finally come out as a cross dresser

Luke Skywalker, I am your father........ But you can call me mum!

[mervin]

[wild foamy]

I already called tit monday last month!

[lallasro]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5XfFyQP14rk

[sniff6]

[lallasro]

[drewpy]

that poor child, no sympathy from the nasty driver man.

[sniff6]

[mervin]

I got talking to an Irish bloke in the pub last night and eventually the conversation got around to what we both did for a living.

"I'm currently working part time while going to uni" I said.

"Ah, sounds grand" he replied "I work for DeBeers"

"Wow, the diamond company?" I asked

"No" he slurred "I'll tarmac your drive for a six pack"

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In which country do sheep fall from the sky


Bahrain

[welshwan]

[lallasro]

i`m curiuos how the lights work during the night lol

[mervin]

Which is the odd one out:

A winkle?
A whelk?
A barnacle?
A mussel?
An Indian that's been run over by a bus?
Or a Lion?

The Lion, of course...

...because all the others are crustaceans.

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The lefty students at my uni used to think I was a fascist cunt because I'm racist, anti-Semitic, homophobic, misogynistic and preach for the destruction of those of a different religion to me.

But now I have a beard and wear sandals so they don't mind anymore.

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What a result! I just sold an antique Quran on eBay, signed by Mohammed himself, for £10,000! Ten fucking grand, I can't believe it.... I'm gonna ask Mohammed next door to sign a couple more!

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After a lot of persuasion, my wife has finally agreed to letting me have a threesome.

I said, "Great! You can piss off when Rachel and Lisa arrive then."

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The Jeremy Kyle Show:The only place you'll see a six month old baby with more teeth than their parents.


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Australian prime minister Julia Gillard is suffering from the aftermath of last Wednesdays speech when she told immigrants they must adapt to Australian ways or off. She has no idea how she is going to deal with the five million marriage proposals she has received so far.

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Sometimes I wonder if you even remember what my face looks like," said my girlfriend's tits.

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I said to the new African guy at work, "I bet your kind of people ing hate flies."

"Yes," the cunt replied, "We prefer to poke our s out the bottom of our trousers when we go for a piss."

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CONVINCE your wife she's on Masterchef by giving her an hour to cook your tea then telling her exactly why you don't like it.

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Watching the telly earlier My Dad said, 'It's about time they gave judges back their bloody hanging powers. See what things have come to in this country nowadays?'

We're not letting him watch Britain's Got Talent next week.

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I remember at the practise our vicar saying, "Marriage is a serious matter and you need to give a complete and honest answer in church to my questions."

So it just came natural to me ... "Do you take this woman?"...

"Yes mate, twice a night and normally I back scuttle her the 2nd time."


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Little Johnny: "let's see,£6,000 for materials,£4,000 for labour, then there's the electrics and the plumbing. Will do the job for 12,000.

Little Patel: "I am sorry, I know my shop needs this extension but I have only £9,000 to offer you, Plus all your discounted grocery needs."

Teacher: "What on earth is going on here?"

Little Johnny: "Please miss, we are playing cowboys and Indians."

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Facebook: "Richard needs your help on FarmVille!"

I sent him a link to Pornhub.

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[welshwan]

i`m curiuos how the lights work during the night lol

not a bloody clue, but if whoever made it had some coolness about em...the headlight should definitely be the eyes