Sacha Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 A woman arrived at a party and, while scanning the guests, spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him, smiled and said "Hello. My name is Carmen." "That's a beautiful name" he replied. "Is it a family name?" "No," she replied. "As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that i enjoy most - cars and men. Therefore, I chose Carmen." "What's your name?" she asked. "B.J. Titsengolf" he replied. Quote
dt502001 Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 Young guy save up enough money to take his new girlfriend out for dinner At the resturant she orders lobster and champane He askes her does your mother feed you like that She answers "no but shes not expecting a blow job tonight" He replyes what would you for like dessert! Quote
Sacha Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes down stairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when you father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years". "I remember that too", she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!" 1 Quote
Noise Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 This one will touch your heart.... As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave side service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the North Carolina back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical male, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years." Apparently I'm still lost. Quote
Moderator mervin Posted January 17, 2013 Moderator Posted January 17, 2013 Think the horse DNA in the burgers is bad? Wait till they try and explain the DNA in the lamb rump roast.... 1 Quote
Noise Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 Jeremy Kyle is still searching for the woman with three kids with the four different fathers. Quote
sniff6 Posted January 17, 2013 Author Posted January 17, 2013 Google car ran over a donkey https://maps.google.co.uk/maps?hl=en&ll=-23.527824%2C24.72265&spn=8.405416%2C14.27124&t=m&layer=c&cbll=-23.527824%2C24.72265&panoid=3L-F887yPcBnejtJvT6DoA&cbp=12%2C335.71%2C%2C0%2C19.65&z=7 Google says: http://technology.automated.it/2013/01/17/google-says-it-didn%E2%80%99t-kill-a-donkey-with-a-street-view-car-in-botswana/ Ummm But what do you think???? Quote
Moderator mervin Posted January 18, 2013 Moderator Posted January 18, 2013 The importance of an occupation after retirement As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither. Harold Schlumberg is such a person: THIS IS QUOTED FROM HAROLD: "I've often been asked, 'What do you do now that you're retired?' Well...I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one of the things I enjoy most is converting beer, wine and whisky into urine. It's rewarding, uplifting, satisfying and fulfilling. I do it every day and I really enjoy it." Harold is an inspiration to us all. Quote
Moderator Airhead Posted January 18, 2013 Moderator Posted January 18, 2013 Horse searches for family in TESCO For the Americans...they found horse meat in TESCO burgers ...tut tut! 1 Quote
Moderator drewpy Posted January 19, 2013 Moderator Posted January 19, 2013 ok socks and dogs = win Quote
Sacha Posted January 19, 2013 Posted January 19, 2013 ok socks and dogs = win Love these guys. Girl directions has to be my all time favorite... I think they wrote it for my sister. Quote
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