the road to inverness

[mervin]

The Road to Inverness

One misty Scottish morning an Englishman is driving through the

hills to Inverness.

Suddenly out of the mist, a massive red-haired highlander steps into

the middle of the road. The man is at least six feet four. He has a

huge red beard and, despite the wind, mist, and near freezing

temperatures, is wearing only his kilt, a tweed shirt and a

tam-o'-shanter at a rakish angle. At the roadside there also stands

a young women. She is absolutely beautiful - slim, shapely, fair

complexion, golden hair....... heart stopping.

The driver stops and stares, and his attention is only distracted

from the lovely girl when the red animal opens the car door and

drags him from his seat onto the road with a fist resembling a whole

raw ham.

"Right, you, Jimmy" he shouts, "Ah want ye to masturbate",

"But......" stammers the driver.

"Dae it noo...or I'll bluddy kill ye!"

So the driver turns his back on the girl, drops his trousers and

starts to masturbate. Thinking of the girl, this doesn't take him

long.

"Right" snarls the highlander "Dae it again!"

"But....." says the driver.

"Now!"

So the driver does it again.

"Right laddie, dae it again, faster this time..." demands the

highlander.

This goes on for an hour. The hapless driver gets cramps in both

arms, he has rubbed himself raw, has violent knob-ache, his sight is

failing (as promised for years by his priest) and, despite the cold

wind, has collapsed in a sweating, gibbering heap on the ground,

unable to stand.

"Dae it again" says the highlander.

"I can't do it anymore - you'll just have to kill me", whimpers the

man.

The highlander looks down at the pathetic soul slumped on the

roadside. "All right, laddie," he says, "NOW ye can gie ma daughter

a lift to Inverness".

[sniff6]

[ACAFFAIR]

How did you know that, i didn't tell anyone !

[mike1949]

Merv, I agree with sniff6. It's an old one.

[Ttaskmaster]

I was hoping the post would begin with:

"Four and Twenty virgins came down from Inverness..."

[mervin]

You mean the ball of Kirriemuir TTTasky

Lyrics

The Ball Of Kirriemuir

CHORUS:

Singing: Balls to your partner,

Ass against the wall,

If you've never been laid on Saturday night,

You've never been laid at all.

The ball, the ball, the ball, the ball

The ball of Kirriemuir

There were four and twenty prostitutes

Lying on the floor

Four and twenty virgins,

Came down from Inverness,

And when the ball was over

There were four and twenty less.

The elders of the kirk arrived

And were surprised to see

Four-and-twenty maidenheads

Hanging from a tree

Four and twenty whores,

Came up from Glockamore,

And when the ball was over

They were all of them double bore.

The village plumber he was there,

He felt an awful fool,

He'd come eleven leagues or more

And forgot to bring his tool.

There was fucking in the hallways,

And fucking in the ricks,

You couldn't hear the music

For the swishing of the pricks.

They were fucking in the Barley.

They were fucking in the oats.

Some were fucking sheep,

but most were fucking goats.

There was fucking in the kitchen,

And fucking in the halls,

You couldn't hear the music for

The clanging of the balls.

There was fucking in the parlor,

And fucking on the stairs,

You couldn't see the carpet

For the mass of public hairs.

I put my head upon her lap,

and she put hers in mine.

We sucked a bit and blowed a bit

and that's called sixty-nine.

The parson's daughter she was there,

The cunning little runt,

With poison ivy up her ass

And thistle up her cunt.

The village whore she was there,

Doing a really good stunt

Stuck to the ceiling

By the suction of her cunt.

The village idiot he was there

Sitting on a pole

Pulled his foreskin over his head

And whistled though the hole.

The mayors wife she was there

Lying on the floor

Every time she spread he legs

The suction closed the door

Grandma and Grandpa they were there

Sitting by the fire

Knitting prophylactics

Out of old rubber tires.

The village postman he was there

He had a case of the pox

Couldn't fuck the women

So he fucked a letter box.

Little Tommy he was there

He was only eight

Couldn't fuck the women

So he had to masturbate.

The blacksmith's brother he was there

A mighty stud was he

Lined 'em up against the wall

And fucked 'em three-by-three.

The village hooker she was there

Feeling mighty fine

Lined 'em up against the wall

And fucked 'em nine-by-nine.

The village rugger he was there

the mightiest of men

Lined 'em up against the wall

And fucked em ten-by-ten.

The village magician he was there

Up to his favorite trick

Pulling his asshole over his head

And standing on his prick.

Father O'Flanagan he was there

And in the corner sat

Amusing himself by abusing himself

And catching it in his hat.

Dino had an even stroke

His skill was much admired

He gratified one cunt at a time

Until his skill expired.

Jock McVennig he was there

A looking for a fuck

But every cunt was occupied

And he was out of luck.

Michael Lee when he got the there

His prick was long and high

But when he fucked her forty times

He was fucking mighty dry.

McTavish, oh yes, he was there

His prick was long and broad

And when he fucked the furriers wife

She had to be rebored.

The village dogcatcher

Proved he was no slouch

Went out and caught the neighbors dog

And fucked it on the couch.

The village gynecologist he was there

On a beaver hunt

Pulled down all the women's pants

And probed through all their cunts.

The village dunce he was there

All alone he stands

Amusing himself by abusing himself

And using both his hands.

The village idiot he was there,

Up to this and that,

Amusing himself by abusing himself,

And catching it in his hat.

The bride was in the kitchen

Explaining to the groom,

The vagina not the rectum

Is the entrance to the womb.

The village magician he was there,

Up to his favorite trick,

Pulling his foreskin over his head,

And disappearing up his prick.

The village giant he was there,

A mighty man was he,

He lined them up against the wall

And fucked them three by three.

The vicar and his wife were there,

Having lots of fun,

The parson had his finger

Up another lady's bun.

The village doctor he was there,

He had his bag of tricks,

And in between the dances

He was sterilizing pricks.

Father O'Flanagan he was there,

And in the corner he sat,

Amusing himself by abusing himself

And catching it in his had.

There was fucking on the couches,

There was fucking on the cots,

And lying up against the wall

Were rows of grinning twats.

Giles he played a dirty trick,

We cannot let it pass,

He showed a lass his mighty prick

Then shoved it up her ass.

Mrs. O'Maley she was there,

She had the crowd in fits,

A jumping off the mantelpiece

And bouncing off her tits.

Jackie Stewart did his fucking,

Right upon the moor,

It was, he thought, much better

Than fucking on the floor.

Jock McDougall he was there,

A looking for a fuck,

But every quim was occupied

And he was out of luck.

The huntsman's daughter she was there,

Tired from the hunt,

A wreath of roses around her ass

And a carrot up her cunt.

The chimney sweep he was there,

They had to throw him out,

For every time he passed some wind

The room was filled with soot.

The village economist he was there,

His prick held in his hand,

Waiting for the moment when

Supply would meet demand.

The village blacksmith he was there,

Sitting by the fire,

Doing abortions by the score

With a piece of red hot wire.

The village postman he was there,

The poor man had the pox,

He couldn't fuck the lasses

So he fucked the letter box.

The blacksmith's father he was there,

A roaring like a lion,

He'd cut his cock off in the forge

So he used his rod of iron.

Dino had an even stroke,

His skill was much admired,

He fucked away half the night

Until his cock expired.

The village butcher he was there,

Cleaver in his hand,

Every time he turned around

He circumcised the band.

The village virgin she was there,

All dressed in frilly pink,

She took the boys behind the fence

And made their fingers stink.

Willy Roberts he arrived,

His prick was all alert,

But when the night was done

"Twas dangling in the dirt."

Now little Willy he was there,

But he was only eight,

He couldn't catch a harlot

So he had to masturbate.

The village veteran he was there,

His balls were made of brass,

And when he blew a fart, my lads,

The sparks flew out his ass.

Little Jimmy he was there,

The leader of the choir,

He hit the balls of all the boys

To make their voices higher.

The village leper he was there,

Sitting on a log,

Peeling foreskin off his cock

And feeding it to his dog.

Another blacksmith he was there,

Tending to his fires,

Making prophylactics

Out of motorcycle tires.

The village builder he was there,

He brought his bag of tricks,

He poured cement in all the holes

And blunted all the pricks.

The village cripple he was there,

He wasn't very much,

Took the girls behind the house

And fucked them with his crutch.

Wee MacGregor he was there,

His pint of beer he'd split,

It mingled with the semen

That was trickling down his kilt.

The mayor's daughter she was there,

She had the crowd in fits,

Sliding down the bannister

And bouncing on her tits.

The village stable boy he was there,

The bastard was quite coarse,

We caught him in the stable

With his cock inside a horse.

The village parson he was there,

All dressed up in his shroud,

Swinging on the chandalier

Pissing on the crowd.

And when the ball was over,

What a sight to see,

Four and twenty maidenheads

A hanging from a tree.

And when the ball was over,

Everyone did confess,

They all enjoyed the dancing

But the fucking was the best.

Mrs. O'Leary she was there,

Swingin' from the chandelier,

Spilling her menstrual juices

Into everybody's beer.

The village cook he was there,

The bastard was quite crude,

They caught him in the kitchen

Masturbating in the food.

The Jersey girl was standin' there,

Her but against the wall,

"Put your money on the table boys,

I'm goin' to do youse all!"

The parson's wife she was there,

And she was worst of all,

Pulled her skirt above her head

And shouted, "fuck it all."

The vicar's wife she was there,

Sitting by the fire,

Knitting contraceptives

Out of india rubber tires.

Sergeant Murphy he was there,

The pride of the Force,

They caught him behind the barn

Jacking off a horse.

The village whore, she was there

Sitting on the floor,

Every time she spread her legs,

The vacuum shut the door

And when the ball was over,

All the guests confessed,

The music was the finest

But the fucking was the best.

And so the ball was over,

All went home to rest,

The music had been exquisite

Still the fucking was the best.

And finally there was the Johnnie Rugger

He seemed like quite a stud.

But when it came to fucking

His pecker was a dud.

First lady over,

Second lady front,

Third ladies finger

up the fourth ladies cunt.

Well, McPhearson's band, they were there,

A dishin' oot the licks,

You cood na' hear a bloody thin'

for the swishin' o' the pricks.

Best Man in the corner,

Instructin' to the Groom,

"The vagina, not the rectum son,

Is the entrance to the womb."

The village whore she was there,

A cunning little runt,

With herpes sores and the clap on tap,

She was na' mer' than a running cunt.

[FZR1690]

You missed my fave:

The village blacksmith he was there

his baws were made o brass

and everytime he fucked a girl

the spaks flew ott her arse!