Valentines day

[mervin]

St Valentine’s Day; as with most Christian celebrations, is a corruption of the much earlier (though equally ludicrous) pagan festival of “Valentino’s Ptarmigan Buggering Day”. Valentino was a mythical buggerer of gamebirds. His favoured quarry were the Willow Ptarmigan (Lagopus lagopus) that were plentiful in both the highlands of Scotland and on the Arctic tundra. He was also known to be partial to buggering the occasional Rock Ptarmigan (Lagopus muta) and when necessary even the Red Ptarmigan (Lagopus lagopus scoticus) became a target for his lustful sodomy.

In pre-Christian times the traditional celebration of Valentino’s Day originally involved the mass buggering of all kinds of gamebirds (purists insisted on the use of Ptarmigan though they would accept Grouse if Ptarmigan were in short supply). In latter years due to the hardship and dedication involved in catching live gamebirds in such a way that did not make them pucker the ring-piece to such an extent to make buggering impossible, the stylised celebration of gluing a few feathers to ones genitalia and strutting about like a haemorrhoid-riddled Chav became the custom.

As Christianity swept through Europe like syphilis through a Preston nightclub, the practice became even more stylised to the point where the ruination of any game (i.e. single) bird (i.e. woman) became acceptable. As the Christian church frowned upon any form of buggery (excepting that involving young boys and members of the clergy) the ‘ruination’ also became stylised into the proposal of marriage (which, if accepted, generally buggers them completely). The traditional giving of flowers is also believed to be a stylised remnant of the original face-full of wild flowers encountered when buggering Ptarmigan in the wild and the additional giving of chocolates is believed to relate to the fact that Ptarmigan are known to be amongst the plumpest of all gamebirds.

Happy Valentines Day.

[drewpy]

I'll have what he's taking nurse