up.yours Posted February 1, 2012 Share Posted February 1, 2012 One day,an english man a scotsman and a paki wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the english man and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into an iceberg? They just made a movie about it." The english man answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the scotsman and decided to make the question a little harder, "How many people died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the scotsman had just seen the movie and answered, "About 1,500." "That's right! You may enter." St. Peter then turned to the paki. "Name them." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morpheuz Posted February 15, 2012 Share Posted February 15, 2012 Slightly racist but funny nontheless. Anymore? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
up.yours Posted February 15, 2012 Author Share Posted February 15, 2012 ok,. Q - What's the difference between a queer and a microwave? A - A microwave doesn't brown your meat! Q - What do Essex girls use for protection? A - A bus shelter ” Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a miccrowave? A. A microwave doesn't fart when you take your meat out. Whats the most perverse thing on earth? Putting 12 oysters up your grannies fanny and sucking 13 out. !!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Noise Posted February 15, 2012 Share Posted February 15, 2012 What do you call an Irish Paki? Ram a lama Bom Bom! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator mervin Posted February 15, 2012 Moderator Share Posted February 15, 2012 THE WATER BOWL > This explains why we forward jokes A man and his dog were > walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it > suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. > He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead > for years. He wondered where the road was leading them. > > After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of > the road. It looked like fine marble. > > At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in > the sunlight... > > When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch > that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate > looked like pure gold. > > He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a > man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out, > 'Excuse me, where are we?' > 'This is Heaven, sir,' the man answered. > > 'Wow! Would you happen to have some water?' the man asked. 'Of course, > sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up.' > The man gestured, and the gate began to open. > > 'Can my friend,' gesturing toward his dog, 'come in, too?' the traveler > asked. > > 'I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets.' > > The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and > continued the way he had been going with his dog.. > > After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came > to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had > never been closed. There was no fence. > > As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree > and reading a book. > > 'Excuse me!' he called to the man. 'Do you have any water?' > > 'Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in.' > > 'How about my friend here?' the traveler gestured to the dog.. > > 'There should be a bowl by the pump.' > > They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned > hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the water bowl and > took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.... > > When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was > standing by the tree. > > 'What do you call this place?' the traveler asked... > > 'This is Heaven,' he answered. > > 'Well, that's confusing, the traveler said. The man down the road said > that was Heaven, too.' > > 'Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. > That's hell.' > > 'Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?' > > 'No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave > their best friends behind.' > > > So... > > Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without > writing a word.... Maybe this will explain. > > When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you > do? You forward jokes. > > When you have nothing to say, but just want to keep in contact, > You forward jokes. > > When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know > how, you forward jokes. > > Also to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still > important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you > get? > > A forwarded joke. > > So, next time if you get a joke, don't think that you've been sent just > another forwarded joke, but that you've been thought of today, and your > friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile.. > > You are all welcome @ my water bowl anytime! > > Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morpheuz Posted February 15, 2012 Share Posted February 15, 2012 That granny oyster thing is like.... I nearly died on my own vomit then. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator drewpy Posted February 15, 2012 Moderator Share Posted February 15, 2012 That granny oyster thing is like.... I nearly died on my own vomit then. well I liked the sentiment Merv ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morpheuz Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 Why was I quoted in that? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Noise Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 Cause your special! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morpheuz Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
up.yours Posted February 16, 2012 Author Share Posted February 16, 2012 no morph? He means :special? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morpheuz Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Screw Guernsey Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 I think he means this kind of special: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator drewpy Posted February 16, 2012 Moderator Share Posted February 16, 2012 very "special" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
up.yours Posted February 16, 2012 Author Share Posted February 16, 2012 I think he means this kind of special: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mike1949 Posted February 24, 2012 Share Posted February 24, 2012 How do you copy a word document on as an attachment? I've got some fantastic one liners but can't seem to paste them on the forum. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator Cynic Posted February 24, 2012 Moderator Share Posted February 24, 2012 Contiuing the very un pc theme, Park warden walking round a lake sees a paki struggling in the water "Help i can't swim" he gasps. "Just as well"; says the warden "there's no swimming allowed in the lake" and walks on...... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator drewpy Posted February 24, 2012 Moderator Share Posted February 24, 2012 How do you copy a word document on as an attachment? I've got some fantastic one liners but can't seem to paste them on the forum. I was trying to get the pun, but there isn't one is there? copy off the document (crtl + c) and paste it into the forum text box (crtl + v) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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