A guide too Jockland

[mervin]

A Guide to jockland...

Geology

Scotland didn’t exist until the Emperor Hadrian, correctly identifying the threat from Scandinavia (only 6 or 7 centuries too early) had a defensive wall built along the northern shoreline of what would later become England.

His Sappers tipped the spoil from digging out the foundations of the wall in to the sea, and this spoil gradually settled to become land.

The weight of the spoil disturbed the underlying geology off the sea-bed, resulting in unique deposits welling up through the settling land-mass. These included the spunk off long-dead dinosaurs, which rose through the earth to form porridge bogs; and dinosaur fat - rendered by the pressure of the earth above - which bubbled up to create Lard Geysers. Both these came to play a key role in the diet of the people who came later.

People

No-one is exactly sure where the people who came to be known as ‘Scots’ came from , but modern Anthropologists speculate they may have come from the cross-breeding of dwarf Neanderthals with a now extinct species off particularly vicious Orang-Utangs resulting in the small, gingerish race which now inhabits Scotland.

Possibly driven out of more civilised cultures, the ‘Scots’ arrived in Scotland and began to populate it. As TV had not yet been invented, the ‘Scots’ favourite pass-time was incest and so they lived in big family groups called ‘clans’ just to make getting a shag easier.

Kings

From earliest times Scotland has been ruled by whoever could shout ‘let’s kill the English ********’ the loudest. Previous kings of Scotland have included Sean the Wifebeater, Mel the Gibson, King Harry of Lauder and Alexfurgy the Mad. All the kings have had the same consort from time immemorial, Princess Susan of Boyle (alternating Wednesdays and afternoon matinees she may be replaced by Princess Janet of Krankies.

Religion

From earliest times the ‘Scots’ have been natural Catholics as they enjoy many of the same foibles as Rome, i.e. dressing in women’s type clothing, talking unintelligible drivel, and molesting small children. However, some have broken away to form a counter-religion, and now the two main religions in Scotland are called ‘Rangers’ and ‘Celtic’.

Dress

The ‘Scots’ distinctive national dress developed from the desire to easily rise and go to the ‘Brew’ to sign-on. Consequently they would get out of bed, draping their blanket around themselves and head out of the door. This developed in to the ‘kilt’, which also catered to the ‘Scots’ predilection for cross-dressing. Wearing a skirt also made it easier to molest small animals and sheep.

The ‘Scots’ persisted in wearing skirts until the gentle civilising influence of the English made many ‘Scots’ realise that cross-dressing was not really on.

Culture

There are many cultures in Scotland, the majority being treatable with antibiotics. The only incurable one is called ‘golf’, which results in the sufferer wearing loud clothes, lying, and driving around in a small clown car.

Food

Before the potato was brought back from the New World, the Scots diet consisted almost exclusively of porridge dug from the porridge bogs, and Haggis, a small wild animal related to the Treacle Badger.

Their main drink, ‘whisky’, is actually Haggis ****. Single ‘malt’ whisky is taken from older, wilier Haggis which are more difficult to catch, hence the commensurate rise in cost.

Following the introduction of the potato, the ‘Scots’ discovered that dipping them in the Lard Geysers resulted in them becoming fried. By cutting potatoes in to small pieces to speed cooking time, the ‘chip’ was invented, and this is now the staple food. In recent times many non-indigenous food-stuffs have been imported in to Scotland, but all are, by tradition, fried.

National income.

Comes from taking spams on a haggis shoot.

Sport.

No sport to talk about. But they do try to emulate other countries by attempting to copy football and rugby.

Exports

The main exports from Scotland are:

Swearing, fighting, shouting unintelligibly, whisky, soldiers, loud golfing clothes.

[drewpy]

ever read "how to win friends and influence people"?.....

thought not

[Airhead]

Haha

[barkwindjammer]

LMFHO

Mervin, for the 'Noobs' who dont know is the Y-O-C Head of International Diplomacy

[mervin]

reply from another jock on another forum

CAP LOCKS ON CHECK

AHLLKINTTELLYOUTHISBOY

YERAFFYERHEID,, YABAMPOT

BUT

PRETTIMUCHSPOATOANTHOBIGMAN

particularly liked the national income piece

any time anyone fancys a haggis shoot gies a shout

[bindie]

only understood in scotland

A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.

'Comfy?'asks the dentist.

'Govan,' she replies.

What did the male Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography?

Oor Wullie.

A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: 'How much for the set of antlers?'

'Two hundred quid,' says the bloke behind the counter'

'That's affa dear,' says the guy.

'Aye yer right!' replies the bloke

Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement?

He's awa' noo.

After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing the kilt.

'And what's the tartan?' asks his mate.

'Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress,'

Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq ?

Coo eight.

Three wee jobbies sitting on the pavement. Which one's a Musketeer?

The dark tan yin.

A Scotsman in London is having trouble phoning his sister from a telephone box.

So he calls the operator who asks in a plummy voice: 'Is there money in the box?

'Naw, it's just me,' he replies.

While getting ready to go out, a wee wifie says to her husband:

'Do you think I'm getting a wee bit pigeon chested?'

And he says: 'Aye, but that's why I love you like a doo.'

What was the name of the first Scottish cowboy?

Hawkeye The Noo.

What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays?

A skean dhu.

How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just Juan.

'What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep farmer?

The Rolling Stones say: 'Hey you, get off of my cloud.'

And an Aberdeen sheep farmer says: 'Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe.

'What do you call an illegitimate Scottish insect?

A wee fly b*****d.

Did you hear about the BBC Scotland series that features the queue for the toilets at Waverley Station?

It's called The Aw' Needin' Line.

Why was the Chinese restaurant so bad?

Because the chef was Lou Ping.

While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked:

'What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?'

'I'd put him off at the next stop,' he says. 'Good.

And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?'

'I'd take the first two weeks in August,' he replies.

Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a negative –

'Aye right.'

A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down Argyle Street when he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car!

'What's up Jimmy?' he asks.

'Piston broke,' he replies.

'Aye, same as masel....’

[up.yours]

i don,t get um ..

[NEV]

i don,t get um ..

Here this'll make ya laugh,

Every Scotsman come from a Scotch egg, fact that

[mervin]

A unemployed plumber from Berkshire took a job in Galsgow with the council

1st day he is sent too a Govan council estate to repair the toilet

Good old glaswegian wife answers

Plumber "Good morning Madam I understand you water closet does not function"

Woman" Yae do whaaat"

plumber " I am told your Toilet is out of service "

woman "WTF are yee on aboot"

Plumber scratches head " Iam told you have a shithouse that does not work

Woman " Aye ya just missed him he is away doon the pub "

[Airhead]

A unemployed plumber from Berkshire took a job in Galsgow with the council

1st day he is sent too a Govan council estate to repair the toilet

Good old glaswegian wife answers

Plumber "Good morning Madam I understand you water closet does not function"

Woman" Yae do whaaat"

plumber " I am told your Toilet is out of service "

woman "WTF are yee on aboot"

Plumber scratches head " Iam told you have a shithouse that does not work

Woman " Aye ya just missed him he is away doon the pub "

Haha

[up.yours]

Here this'll make ya laugh,

Every Scotsman come from a Scotch egg, fact that

maybe it's cos im english,

[daveye]

A Guide to jockland...

Geology

Scotland didn’t exist until the Emperor Hadrian, correctly identifying the threat from Scandinavia (only 6 or 7 centuries too early) had a defensive wall built along the northern shoreline of what would later become England.

His Sappers tipped the spoil from digging out the foundations of the wall in to the sea, and this spoil gradually settled to become land.

The weight of the spoil disturbed the underlying geology off the sea-bed, resulting in unique deposits welling up through the settling land-mass. These included the spunk off long-dead dinosaurs, which rose through the earth to form porridge bogs; and dinosaur fat - rendered by the pressure of the earth above - which bubbled up to create Lard Geysers. Both these came to play a key role in the diet of the people who came later.

People

No-one is exactly sure where the people who came to be known as ‘Scots’ came from , but modern Anthropologists speculate they may have come from the cross-breeding of dwarf Neanderthals with a now extinct species off particularly vicious Orang-Utangs resulting in the small, gingerish race which now inhabits Scotland.

Possibly driven out of more civilised cultures, the ‘Scots’ arrived in Scotland and began to populate it. As TV had not yet been invented, the ‘Scots’ favourite pass-time was incest and so they lived in big family groups called ‘clans’ just to make getting a shag easier.

Kings

From earliest times Scotland has been ruled by whoever could shout ‘let’s kill the English ********’ the loudest. Previous kings of Scotland have included Sean the Wifebeater, Mel the Gibson, King Harry of Lauder and Alexfurgy the Mad. All the kings have had the same consort from time immemorial, Princess Susan of Boyle (alternating Wednesdays and afternoon matinees she may be replaced by Princess Janet of Krankies.

Religion

From earliest times the ‘Scots’ have been natural Catholics as they enjoy many of the same foibles as Rome, i.e. dressing in women’s type clothing, talking unintelligible drivel, and molesting small children. However, some have broken away to form a counter-religion, and now the two main religions in Scotland are called ‘Rangers’ and ‘Celtic’.

Dress

The ‘Scots’ distinctive national dress developed from the desire to easily rise and go to the ‘Brew’ to sign-on. Consequently they would get out of bed, draping their blanket around themselves and head out of the door. This developed in to the ‘kilt’, which also catered to the ‘Scots’ predilection for cross-dressing. Wearing a skirt also made it easier to molest small animals and sheep.

The ‘Scots’ persisted in wearing skirts until the gentle civilising influence of the English made many ‘Scots’ realise that cross-dressing was not really on.

Culture

There are many cultures in Scotland, the majority being treatable with antibiotics. The only incurable one is called ‘golf’, which results in the sufferer wearing loud clothes, lying, and driving around in a small clown car.

Food

Before the potato was brought back from the New World, the Scots diet consisted almost exclusively of porridge dug from the porridge bogs, and Haggis, a small wild animal related to the Treacle Badger.

Their main drink, ‘whisky’, is actually Haggis ****. Single ‘malt’ whisky is taken from older, wilier Haggis which are more difficult to catch, hence the commensurate rise in cost.

Following the introduction of the potato, the ‘Scots’ discovered that dipping them in the Lard Geysers resulted in them becoming fried. By cutting potatoes in to small pieces to speed cooking time, the ‘chip’ was invented, and this is now the staple food. In recent times many non-indigenous food-stuffs have been imported in to Scotland, but all are, by tradition, fried.

National income.

Comes from taking spams on a haggis shoot.

Sport.

No sport to talk about. But they do try to emulate other countries by attempting to copy football and rugby.

Exports

The main exports from Scotland are:

Swearing, fighting, shouting unintelligibly, whisky, soldiers, loud golfing clothes.

ye dinna half talk some shite mervin

[mervin]

ye dinna half talk some shite mervin

Its all true shite though innit

[up.yours]

:lol:

[daveye]

Its all true shite though innit

nope lol

[up.yours]