I sat there with a smile on my face as my girlfriend wrapped her hand around it and started to tug at it. An even bigger smile when she gave it a little wiggle and started moving it around. I couldn't contain myself when she started using two hands, so I eventually laughed out:

"Here love, I'll change gear for you".

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Andy Murray is to be sponsored by 'Pritt Stick'.

Great on paper. sh*t on any other surface

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I came home from work and my wife said, "I washed your England shirt for you today."

I said, "What England shirt?"

She said, "The red one that was in the frame on the wall. Whoever Bobby Moore is, tell him to stop drawing all over your clothes."

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My wife told me that she's getting fed up of my boring facts.

"I find them very interesting," I said.

"Well, who gives a flying f**k?" She said angrily.

"Dragonflies," I replied.

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I've just been hacking into Sony.

My PS3 kept crashing so I put my f**king axe through it.

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I see Sting is fronting the new campaign to de-criminalise the possession of drugs...

Strange really, you'd think he'd want to see more people with police records.

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I got an e-mail saying 'At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!'

I thought, "That's just spam."

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Max Factor mascara makes eyelashes appear three times longer?

Max Factor should make condoms.

Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing,

Chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly

Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife - she

Ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."

Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, "Better think it over.............women like that are hard to find."