Moderator drewpy Posted December 15, 2010 Moderator Share Posted December 15, 2010 the annual crimbo joke thread just starting. get posting peeps The Crist family worked at a zoo. Each year they predicted the general luck and overall mood of the year by watching the the gnu. If the gnu's ears were forward, that meant a successful, joyous year was almost certain to happen. But if his ears were laid back flat against his head, it meant that an unlucky or very unhappy year was sure to come. One year it was young Mary's turn to "survey" the animal and come up with the prediction. It was her first time solo, and in her excitement, she forgot to take the key to the cage. She was late in coming to check on the gnu. Well, she saw the wrong ear position and predicted a bad year, when in fact it was quite good. To explain the error, the local newspaper ran the following headline a year later: MARY CRIST MISSES AN HAPPY GNU'S EAR! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator Airhead Posted December 15, 2010 Moderator Share Posted December 15, 2010 Heather Mills mum and dad have bought her a new leg for Xmas, it's not her main present...just a stocking filler Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mike1949 Posted December 18, 2010 Share Posted December 18, 2010 What's the difference between Rudolph the red nose reindeer and Rudolph the brown nose reindeer? Rudolph the brown nose reindeer can run as fast as Rudolph the red nose reindeer but can't stop as fast as him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CORRIEBOY Posted December 18, 2010 Share Posted December 18, 2010 A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland . Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal. Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time. Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers. Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter. Dear Maggie, I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove). These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing. Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on our next date. All my love, Chris P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator drewpy Posted December 18, 2010 Author Moderator Share Posted December 18, 2010 how does santa like his pizza's? deep and crisp and even why does santa have 3 gardens? so he can hoe, hoe, hoe! When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that mother in law was coming to visit.This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the booze, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great bigb Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?" And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silver Machine Posted December 20, 2010 Share Posted December 20, 2010 Why is father christmas so popular with the ladies? Because he only comes once a year and when he does he fills their stockings . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
barkwindjammer Posted December 26, 2010 Share Posted December 26, 2010 A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there? The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs: In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm. In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions'. 'Onions?' 'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.' This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, 'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?. The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50's, it is like a Christmas Tree.' 'A Christmas tree?' 'Yes - the root's dead and the balls are just for decoration. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator mervin Posted December 26, 2010 Moderator Share Posted December 26, 2010 What's the difference between Nick Clegg and Santa Claus ? It's okay to believe in Santa. ----------------------------------------------------------- I had pigs in blankets at the dinner table yesterday. The heating went in our house so the wife and her mother had to wrap up. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Just stole a turkey from Tesco... The Security man ran after me shouting "What u doing with that?".. I shouted back "Roast Spuds, peas, carrots & gravy, ya nosey Bastard!"... ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ My girlfriend is an ungrateful cow. I spent £300 on her for Xmas and she just doesn't appreciate it. Who would turn their nose up to an Xbox 360, Black Ops and 5 cases of Stella? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My wife said, "Let's celebrate New Year with a bang". I said, "Yeah OK, as long as mine is with your sister" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Dear kids, Those presents were from your parents, not Santa. Sincerely, Wikileaks ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- had my Christmas party last week.everything was going well..they played twist..so i twisted...they played jump...so i jumped...then it was cum on Eileen..i was thrown out shortly after!! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
up.yours Posted December 26, 2010 Share Posted December 26, 2010 do you like chicken,, well suck my dick,it's fowl... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joshua2 Posted December 27, 2010 Share Posted December 27, 2010 Heather Mills mum and dad have bought her a new leg for Xmas, it's not her main present...just a stocking filler Thats strange because I heard that they had bought her a plane. She still has to use a razor on the other leg. ATB J Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joshua2 Posted December 27, 2010 Share Posted December 27, 2010 do you like chicken,, well suck my dick,it's fowl... Do you still have to make them aeroplane noises to get it into your girlfriends mouth? ATB J Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator mervin Posted December 27, 2010 Moderator Share Posted December 27, 2010 As a Christian I was deeply offended by tonight's Top Gear where it was suggested that the the new 'Stig' was born in Israel. The Stig is a fictional character dressed in white, whose entire history is nothing more than a load of ridiculous, made up stories and no one has ever actually seen him. Whereas Jesus... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I wish my parents weren't Jehovah's Witnesses. All I had for Christmas was a wank. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I got invited to a xmas fancy dress party and the invitation said 'Dress to kill' Turns out a Beard, Robe, Backpack and a Turban wasn't what it meant Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mike1949 Posted December 27, 2010 Share Posted December 27, 2010 Daughter to dad "Dad, please dad can I have a barbie doll for Christmas, please please please?" NO! "Oh go on dad, I will do anything if you give me a barbie doll for Christmas, anything." "ANYTHING?" "Yes please, anything" "Ok suck on this then" After five seconds she spits it out. "That tastes like shit" "Yeah I know, your brother wants a mountain bike for Christmas." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joshua2 Posted December 28, 2010 Share Posted December 28, 2010 I got halfway through my Christmas log on Saturday when I thought... I can't wait to finish this so I can wipe my arse and go and enjoy some sherry trifle! ATB J Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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