Moderator mervin Posted November 4, 2010 Moderator Share Posted November 4, 2010 I was in the pub the other night, telling the old joke about what to do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath..... throw your washing in! when a guy behind me tapped me on the shoulder, and said that he didn't find that funny, because his cousin was an epileptic and had indeed died in the bath. "Drowned?" I asked "No, choked on a sock!" --------------------------------------------------------- Two couples on holiday in Newquay. The husbands, Paul and Dave decide to try and get thier ladie's to too wife swap. Amazingly they agree but Paul knows his wife is on her time of the month so he has got one up on his mate Dave. They agree that at breakfast they'll tap on the table how many times thay shagged the others missus. Next morning Paul grins and taps on the table twice, looks across at Dave who smiles, then taps once on the jam and three times on the Nutella.... ======================================================================================================================= Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers. She opens the door, see's the flowers, and drags him in. She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says " this is for the flowers" Don't be silly" says Paddy " you must have a vase somewhere"........ --------------------------------------------------------- Marriage is like a deck of cards, In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end you'llwish you had a f*cking club and a spade.! --------------------------------------------------------- Just said to the missus," when I die, I'm going to leave everything to you." She said " You already do you lazy bastard -------------------------------------------------------- Gary always wanted a pair of Authentic Harley Davidson Motorcycle Boots , so , seeing some on sale , He bought them and wore them home . Walking proudly , He sauntered into the kitchen and said to His wife , '' Notice something different about me ? ''.. Maria looked him over and said '' Nope '' Frustrated , Gary stormed off into the bathroom , undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for his new Harley Davidson Motorcycle Boots . Again he asked Maria , a little louder this time '' Notice anything different about ME NOW ? '' Maria looked up and exclaimed '' Gary what's different ? it's hanging down today , it was hanging down yesterday , it was hanging down the day before , it will still be hanging down there tomorrow ! '' Furious , Gary yelled , '' AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARIA ? '' .. '' Nope '' she replied... '' IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE ITS LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS !!! '' Without changing her expression , Maria replied , '' You should have bought a new helmet then Gary -------------------------------------------------------- One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in all his life. By chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner. The frog called for the two to stop. The frog said, "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both three wishes. Bear, you go first." The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was, said, "I wish for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female." For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that. It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well." The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle. For the last wish the bear thought for a while and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female." The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said, "I wish that the bear was gay." --------------------------------------------------------- wots the difference between "no!, no!, not my arse!" and "mmm, mmm,mmm, mmm, mm"? gaffa tape!!! ------------------------------------------------------- A rookie police officer pulled a biker over for speeding and had the following exchange: Officer: May I see your driver's license? Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI. Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle? Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it. Officer: The motorcycle is stolen? Biker: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there. Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag? Biker: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags. Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!? Biker: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation: Captain: Sir, can I see your license? Biker: Sure. Here it is. It was valid. Captain: Who's motorcycle is this? Biker: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration. Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it? Biker: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag. Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them. Biker: No problem. The saddle bags were opened; no drugs. Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags. Biker: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrCardboardDave Posted November 5, 2010 Share Posted November 5, 2010 Bump thanks for them gems Mervin Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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