Posted March 7, 201015 yr Moderator just deleting some of the shite from my phone thought i would share some of the publishable ones Locals are said to be in a state of shock after police found a stash of guns and drugs behind the Job Centre in Liverpool yesterday.. A spokesman for the City said; "The people of Liverpool had no idea they had a Job Centre". -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My mates wife left him last Thursday. Apparently she said she was just popping out for a pint of milk and never came back! I said to him: "How you coping?" He said: "Not too bad, I've been using that powdered stuff!". ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My wife has just told me that Gavin from Autoglass came round earlier and injected his special resin into her crack - i'm not normally suspicious, but she hasn't even got a car!! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Paddy is walking along the road when he's stopped by a policeman & a sniffer dog. ''This dog tells me that your on drugs'' says the policeman. Paddy replies, "I'm on drugs? your the 1 who's talking to a dog". ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Sex tip of the day - NEVER use a lemon flavour condom. They make you cum in a jiffy ! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Got home today and found the missus dead with her head in the washing machine still at least she died in comfort ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Young bloke pulls older woman at a club. She's 61 but looks very good for her age. On the way back to her house he's thinking mmm! I bet her daughter is hot. When out of the blue she asks if he'd like a Sportsman's Double? "Wots that?" he asks. "It's a Mother & daughter threesome!" she says. "WOW! YES PLEASE!" So as they go in her front door, she puts the hall light on & shouts " Mum are you still awake?" --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Let's test the way u think. Read this: thepenisinmymouth. Did u read the pen is in my mouth? Like **** u did. Pass it on cock sucker!! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- A bloke was in the supermarket when he sees this tasty bird givin him the eye. Do i know you he asks ? arent you the father of one of my children she replies ? Thinking back to the only time he was unfaithful he says : are you the stripper on my stag night who ****ed me on the pool table whilst your mate shoved an enormous dildo up my ass while spanking me with a piece of wet celery ? No she replies , im your sons school teacher ! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- George Clooney is set to star in a film about the life story of Gary Glitter titled "Oh she's eleven --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Woman answers phone and pervert on the other end breathes.. "have u got a big sweaty hairy c*u*T". Woman says ," yeah he's on the f*c*ing settee, do u want him ? __________________
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