True Reports from British life.......!!!

>

> BRITISH NEWSPAPERS

>

> Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill,

> a spokesman for North West Gas said,

> 'We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey

> has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed

> his house.'

> (The Daily Telegraph)

>

> Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in

> her underwear.

> When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian

> boyfriend.

> (The Manchester Evening News)

>

> Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van,

> because they cannot issue a description.

> It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what

> it looks like.

> (The Guardian)

>

> A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was

> rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster.

> A coast guard spokesman commented, 'This sort of thing is all too common'.

> (The Times)

>

> At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coast guard and

> asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but

> he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just

> blown his Land Rover off the cliff.

> ( Aberdeen Evening Express)

>

> Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue , Boscombe, delighted the audience

> with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was

> sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945,

> she recalled - 'He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the

> crocuses

> came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil

> Hitler.''

> ( Bournemouth Evening Echo)

>

> HEARD ON THE LONDON UNDERGOUND TUBE

> A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to

> their passengers...

>

> 1) 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I

> know you're all dying to get home, unless, of

> course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want

> to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction.'

>

> 2) 'Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from

> E & A syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his arse.

> I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any.'

>

> 3) 'Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that

> last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had

> a great time.

> The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford

> and East Ham, which means we probably

> won't reach our destination.'

>

> 4) 'Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a

> security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore

> stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and

> pass some time together.

> Alll together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'.'

>

> 5) 'We are now travelling through Baker Street ...

> As you can see, Baker Street is closed.

> It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you

> earlier, but no, they

> don't think about things like that'.

>

> 6) 'Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these

> professional beggars.

> If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity.

> Failing that, give it to me.'

>

> 7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver

> announced in a West Indian drawl:

> 'Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately,

> towels are not provided.'

>

> 8) 'Let the passengers off the train FIRST!' (Pause )

> 'Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm

> going home....'

>

> 9) 'Please allow the doors to close.

> Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.'

> The two are distinct and separate instructions.'

>

> 10) 'Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that

> the doors are about to close.

> It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors.'

>

> 11) 'We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the

> door.'

>

> 12) 'To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the

> second carriage

> -- what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?'

>

> 13) 'Please move all baggage away from the doors.' (Pause..)

> 'Please move ALL belongings away from the doors.' (Pause...)

> 'This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at

> the rear of the train:

> Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the

> door

> Before I come down there and shove them up your arse sideways!'

>

> 14) 'May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed

> on any part of the Underground.

> However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round

> the rest of the carriage.'

>

cheered me up

thank you i had a smile at that lot