While I was driving down the A40 the other day, (going a little faster than I should have been) I passed under a bridge only to see a copper on the other side with a radar gun laying in wait. The copper pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronising smirk asked:

"Runway too short?"

To which I replied: "I'm late for work."

To which he asked: "What do you do?"

I responded: "I'm a rectum stretcher"

The copper was surprised and confused : "A rectum stretcher, and just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, work

Side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch the hole, until it's about 6 feet."

Then the copper asked questioningly and cautiously : "And just what do you do with a six-foot arsehole?"

To which I politely replied : "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge .."

Speeding ticket: £105.00

Penalty Points : 3

Court costs: £45

Look on copper's face: Priceless

Nice one

It's a Sh*t job though

LmAO thats classic.

Not too shabby lol....... spent a long weekend in the local cells once, after asking one off Strathclydes finest, why he was hiding behind a pillar with a radar gun, when there was rapists and junkies walking about. i was then told to be quiet or risk a breach of the peace charge.

In retrospect,, calling him a stupid wee boy didn't help my cause...

Many thanks to the turn key in Mill St nick Paisley.... the rolls in sausage were simply divine ha!!! £50 and a wrist slap...

Very Very good i just hope i can remember that when i get pulled over for speeding