Moderator drewpy Posted April 22, 2009 Moderator Share Posted April 22, 2009 How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on the tube and think, 'I'll fucking have that!' --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I've started taking Viagra for my eyes, it makes me look well hard ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- New Zealand has parade of topless porn stars on motorcycles called "Boobs on Bikes" due to pass through Wellington. Meanwhile, here in England, we go one better with "Cunts on Bikes", as David Cameron and Boris Johnson cycle to work. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wild foamy Posted April 23, 2009 Share Posted April 23, 2009 Lost my job at the pet shop today... ... apparently Polyfilla isnt parrot food... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator mervin Posted April 23, 2009 Moderator Share Posted April 23, 2009 i got banned from B&Q this afternoon some twerp in ared apron came up to me and asked if i wanted decking so i got the first punch in merv Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator mervin Posted April 23, 2009 Moderator Share Posted April 23, 2009 Three women who were friends in school have returned to their hometown to attend their 25th reunion and have lunch together. Their talk turns to their position in life, and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other. The first woman says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor. The second woman says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes,"and looks about with considerable pride. The third woman says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have any material possessions -- but 13 canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on my husband's erect penis." After a long silence, the first woman looks shame-faced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. We're not really going to the French Riviera -- we're going to skegness for two weeks." The second woman says, "Your honesty has shamed me. To be honest, my husband didn't buy me a Mercedes -- he bought me an astra." "Well," the third woman says, "I also have a confession to make. Canary number 13 has to stand on one leg." -------------------------------------------------------- So I went to the Patent Office trying to register some of my inventions. I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out. She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented. I said, "A folding bottle." She said, "Okay. What do you call it?" "A Fottle." "What else do you have?" "A folding carton." "What do you call it?" "A Farton." She snickered and said, "Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds kind of crude." I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator mervin Posted April 23, 2009 Moderator Share Posted April 23, 2009 In the beginning when God was creating the world, He was sitting on a cloud, telling his pal the Arch Angel Gabriel what he planned for Scotland. " Gabby" says He "I'm going to give this place high majestic mountains, purple glens, soaring eagles, streams laden with salmon, golden fields of barley from which a whisky coloured nectar can be made, green, lush, spectacular golf courses, coal in the ground, oil under the sea,...gas". " Hold up! Hold up!" Interjected the bold Gabriel " Are you not being too generous to these Scots ? " Back came the Almighty's reply "Not really, wait until you see the neighbours I'm giving them !!! " Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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