jokes

[smudge3lions]

Police in Liverpool have arrested 3 of 4 well known Scouse Islamic terrorists: Bin Snortin, Bin Dealin and Bin Thievin. There was no sign of Bin Workin.

:P

[mervin]

Ow,s this smudger

BIKERS

Two old bikers, Mike and Joe, have been friends all their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved motorcycles all our lives, and we rode out together for so many years... Please do me a favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's motorcyles up there.

Joe looks up at Mike from his deathbed,"Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you."

Shortly after that, Joe passes on. At midnight a few nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike."

"Who is it?" asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Mike--it's me, Joe."

"You're not Joe. Joe just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe,"insists the voice.

"Joe, where are you?"

"In Heaven,"replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.

"The good news," says Joe,"is that there's motorcyles in Heaven. Better yet, all our old friends who died before us are here too. Better than that, we're all young again."

"Better still," said Joe," it's always springtime and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can ride any type of bike, any vintage, all we want, the petrols free, we never have breakdowns or punctures and we never get tired or fall off."

"That's fantastic,"says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?"

And Joe said,"You're leading Tuesdays rideout!"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mistresses

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Mercedes and BMWs in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Jim? " asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

essex girls

Two Essex girls pick up a perfume sample from the counter..........

Sharon sprays it on her wrist....

" That's nice innit, don't you think Trace ? "

" Yeah..Wot's it called ? "

' VIEN A MOI ! '

" Wot the f**k does that mean Shaz ? "

The assistant pipes up..." It's French for COME TO ME "

Shaz sniffs again.....

" Don't smell like come to me .......Does it to you Trace.....? "

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

people and pets

Dear Dogs and Cats:

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairwaywas not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to

Each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, bysome miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your pawunder the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required.

The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the otherdog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:

TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:

(1) They live here. You don't.

(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it'fur'-niture.

(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.

Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they

(1) eat less,

(2) don't ask for money all the time,

(3) are easier to train,

(4) normally come when called,

(5) never ask to drive the car,

(6) don't hang out with drug-using people;

(7) don't smoke or drink,

( don't want to wear your clothes,

(9) don't have to buy the latest fashions,

(10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and

(11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children

[smudge3lions]

Awesome,

Essex girls a good one... but mistress is better....

:D

[mervin]

Dear Sir or Madam

EU Directive No. 456179

In order to meet the conditions for joining the Single European currency,

all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern

Ireland must be made aware that the phrase 'Spending a Penny' is not to be

used after 31st December 2009.

From this date, the correct terminology will be 'Euronating'.

Thank you for your attention.

[mervin]

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary......

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!

1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 pm - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!

7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary. ..

Day 983 of my captivity...

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling

objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates

and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my

contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat

something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of

escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again

vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body

at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts,

since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However,

they merely made condescending

comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. B-st--ds.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight.

I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event.

However, I could hear the noises and smell the food.

I overheard that my confinement was due to

the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means

and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to

assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around

his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow --

but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies

and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly

released - and seems to be more than willing to return.

He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating

with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every

move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated

cell, so he is safe.

For now................

[mervin]

Paddy and Mick are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill.

One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw.

Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.

Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick.

The nurse says, 'Oh he's out in Rehab exercising'. Paddy couldn't believe it, but here's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.

A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw thingamebob.

So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to hospital.

Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is.

The nurse replies, 'He's out in the Rehab again exercising' and sure enough, here's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work.

But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head. Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital. Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is.

The nurse breaks down and cries and says, 'He's dead.'

Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. 'I suppose the saw finally did him in.'

'No', says the nurse, 'Some dopey bugger put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated'.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan.

He asks, "What was that for?"

She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Betty Sue' written on it."

He says, "Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? 'Betty Sue' was the name of the horse I went there to bet on." She shrugs and walks away. Three days later he's reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan.

He asks, "What was that for?"

She answers, "Your horse called."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man with a gun went into a bank and demanded their money. Once he was given the money, he turned to a customer and asked, "Did you see me rob this bank?" The man replied, "Yes sir, I did."

The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly. He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man replied, "No sir, I didn't, but my wife did."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,

'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?'

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says,

'Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'

Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.

If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'

A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. Paddy guessed 2 this time... The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, 'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.' Paddy replied, 'No it ain't, Mick. It's not rigged at all at all. MY WIFE WON TWICE LAST WEEK

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!"

"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"

"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.

About halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?"

"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.

"The sharks got 'em."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings"

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."

The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.

The thin one leaned over and said,'Life is so boring. We never have any fun any more. For $10 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!'

'You're on!' said the other old lady, holding up a $10 bill.

The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.

Finally, the smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

'What happened?' asked her waiting friend.

'I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement'.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan , was being interviewed

by a French journalist and animal rights activist.The discussion came around to deer

hunting. The journalist asked, "What do you think is the last thought in the head

of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it 'Are

you the one

who killed my brother?' "

Nugent replied, "Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is,

'What am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough

to get away. They are very much like the French." The interview ended at that

point.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.' He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.

Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,

'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely......."Are my Test Results Back"???

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

Satan walked up to the man & said: 'Do you know who I am?'

The man replied: 'Yep, sure do.'

'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.

'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.

'Don't doubt it for a minute.' replied the old man in an even tone.

'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?'' persisted Satan.

'Yep.' was the calm reply.

'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.

'Nope.' said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked: 'Why aren't you raid of me? '

The man calmly replied,

'Been married to your sister for 48 years.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There were these two guys working late in a morgue, when one guy said, “Hey man there is a woman in there with a shrimp in her vagina!”

The other asked, “What is a shrimp doing a dead woman's vagina? Let me go see.” Both of them went in the room with the woman, and they both curiosly looked. Finally, the second man said, “You idiot, this ain't no shrimp it's a clitoris.”

And the other man replied, “Well, it tasted like shrimp to me.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two boys walk home from Sunday school after hearing a powerful sermon on the devil.

One boy says, "I'm really scared about all this Satan stuff."

The other boy replies, "Don't worry. You know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your dad again."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was Scotland v Wales 'International' rugby weekend in Edinburgh and as the crowds made their way down Princes Street towards Murrayfield, a Rottweiler suddenly lunged towards an eight year old Scottish lass, with its jaws wide open ready to attack.

The crowd nearby gasped in horror but, quick as a flash, a man jumped out of the crowd, grabbed the dog by the throat and throttled it.

As the dead dog lay there, and the crowd cheered in admiration, a journalist from the Glasgow Herald who had witnessed the heroic deed, went up to the man and said,

'That was brilliant, I can see the headline now.'

'Welsh Rugby Fan Saves Young Girl From Certain Death.'

The man replied, 'No you've got it wrong. I'm not here for the rugby!'

'Don't worry' said the journalist, 'I can see the headline now.'

'Welshman Saves Girl From Jaws Of Rottweiler'

The man replied, 'No you're wrong again. I'm not Welsh; I'm from Berkshire ..'

The journalist said, 'Don't worry; I can see the headline now'

'Englishman Strangles Family Pet!!!!'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde, female crew member to take care of the box for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He pointedly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, mentioned that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans , please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My favourite this week is this one..............

Lucinda was travelling home from work, it had been snowing most of the afternoon and now there was a thick blanket of snow covering and disguising all the familiar landmarks, which lined her route.

After she had been driving a while and should have reached home she realised that she was completely lost and could see nothing for the snow swirling over her windscreen.

She remembered what her Dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow plough and follow it. "

Pretty soon a snow plough came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plough for a long while. Finally the driver of the plough stopped then he got out and asked her why she was following him. She explained that her Dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plough. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Waitrose car park now you can follow me over to Tesco, I have to do their car park as well! ............

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A doctor calls his patient and says; the cheque you gave me for my bill came back.

The patient replied: So did my arthritis.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Quote of the week for me was this sent in from Syd in Espana............

One thing about men from Australia , is that their hearts, and humour, are always in the right place!

T. B. Bechtel, a City Councillor from Newcastle, Australia, was asked on a local live radio talk show, just what he thought about the allegations of torturing suspected terrorists.

His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience.

HIS STATEMENT:

'If hooking up a terrorist prisoner's nuts to a car's battery cables, will save just one Australian's life, then I have just three things to say,'

'Red is positive,

Black is negative, and

Make sure his nuts are wet.'

I agree with that 100%

~~~~~~~~~~~

This one has been thru before but its a good reminder to use spellcheck..............

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies

The head monk, says, 'We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.'

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.

'We missed the R ! We missed the R !

We missed the R !'

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, 'What's wrong, father?'

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies,

'The word was... CELEB R ATE !!!

~~~~~~~~~~~

[ally tonks]

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and

you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little

TONY.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your

thinking."

Then little TONY says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women

sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream The

second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is

biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one

that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the

wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."

[chappers]

Police in Liverpool have arrested 3 of 4 well known Scouse Islamic terrorists: Bin Snortin, Bin Dealin and Bin Thievin. There was no sign of Bin Workin.

:P

Two scousers watching the Liverpool marathon. One points in the direction the runners are going and says "There must be a job that way" His mate points in the other direction and says "No mate, the job's that way!"

[Bikerman]

A church elder was walking past the old age home the other day,when low and behold there out on the sidewalk lay three old ladies-completely starkers!He went inside to ask what was going on to which the supervisor replied-'They are retired prostitutes and they are having a closing down sale'

[KingKennyWannabee]

A beautiful young lady with blonde hair walks into a Western Union telegraph office. She strolls up to the counter and asks the clerk "How much does it cost to send a telegram to my Mom ?". The man tells her that it depends on the number of words in the message. He says "Write out the message and I'll tell you the cost." She does, and he tells her. She says "But I don't have that much money. I have to get that message to my Mother. I'd do just about anything to get it to her." The man says "I think that can be arranged.", and walks to the front door and locks it. He returns to behind the counter and tells her to come over there. She does. He pushes her down to her knees, and stands before her. He unzips his pants, and says "Go ahead." The blonde opens her mouth, and says "Hello, Mom, this is Sue...".

[blackhat250]

Van driver + mate delivering to mental hospital>

stops at the gate , see"s this guy hoe-ing weeds, asks the guy," cud u tell us the time mate" ?

Guy whips out his dick .looks at it " half past Ten "

Driver winds up window > says " fkn hell jim did u see that" Aye amazing bob" >

After unloading at nuthouse , they ask a warden about guy at the gate>" Oh pay no attention to him hes an inmate"

So driving to the EXIT bob says " fuckit jim lets wind this cunt up "

Van pulls up .down with window " Hoy " u got the time on yeh"

Guy whips out the dick again " half past ten"

Driver says " Awa ye silly lookn cunt "- past here an hour ago + u said it was that time">

Guy starts jerking like fk.- " Oh " the fucking things stopped again "

[bulldog25]

a woman goes to the docs and says doc i have been taken steroids and i have

grown a penis the doc says anabolic , the woman says no just a penis,,,,,,,,,, heheheeee

[barkwindjammer]

just had a look at your profile,,,,, your names not Ahhcchhhhmeeddd is it,

I kill you !

[Rich_B]

In a survey 6 out of 7 Dwarves are not happy.

[jet22]

Bloke gets a £20 note tattooed on his cock because he likes to watch his money grow and also to see how quick his wife could blow it!

What does a dwarf get when he runs through a womans legs? A flap across the face, a crack on the head and a clit around the ear!

I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me....

'Oi, what's your disability?'

I said 'Tourettes! Now f**k off!'

What's the difference between Harold Shipman and Tony Blair?

Shipman actually did something about NHS waiting lists.

.......all i can remember off the top of my head

[Slippery When Wet]

In a survey 6 out of 7 Dwarves are not happy.

Oi loikes this one - simple like me

[grizzlydan]

What's blue & yellow & has a tight c#nt attached to it??

A Lidl's bag.

[mervin]

ok what animal has a c**t half way up its back male or female

>

>

>>>

>>>>

>>>>>>>

A police horse

[Max724]

A man walks into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian says "f**k off, you won't bring it back!"

[Max724]

What does a dwarf get if he runs through a womans legs ?

A clit around the ear and a flap across the face