mike1949

Jim worked on a building site as a brickie, one day he was late for work. When he arrived the site foreman was waiting at his Portacabin door with his watch. (a bit like Blakie from on the buses) "JIM!!" "Get over here NOW!" When Jim got there with a big grin on his face, the foreman said "Why are you late? "Don't worry about me being late boss, just call me Lucky Jim" Foreman - "What on earth are you on about?" Lucky Jim - "Well, when I saw my bus going round the corner to my bus stop, I legged it but when I got there the bus crashed head on into a petrol tanker and exploded into a fireball. If I'd been on it I would have been killed outright" Foreman - "Golly Gosh Jim, sorry I mean Lucky Jim, right get to work and make up your time and we'll forget about it." After his dinner break Lucky Jim was late back. Upon which the foreman called him over. "Lucky Jim, why are you late back from your dinner break, you know we have got a very tight schedule to work from and I don't want to incur any penalties because it will affect everybody's bonus's" Lucky Jim - "Don't worry about that boss,just call me Lucky, Lucky Jim. If I'd have come back on time I would have been stood right were that cement hopper crashed when It's chain broke, it would have flattened me to about the thickness of an old penny" Foreman - "Blimey, Lucky, Lucky Jim. I think you'd better go home in case anything else happens, I'll see you nice and early in the morning then" Next morning when Lucky, Lucky Jim was late, his foreman called him over again and said. "Why are you late again" Lucky Jim - "Don't worry about that boss, just call me Lucky, Lucky, Lucky Jim." Foreman - "What on earth are you on about?" Lucky Jim - "Well, when I went home and told the wife what had happened yesterday we decided to go out on the town and celebrate. We had a few drinks and decided to come back and celebrate in the bedroom" "Anyway, when we were celebrating, we had a thunderstorm and a bolt of lightning struck my chimney pot and it went crashing through the roof, straight through the bedroom ceiling and landed on my backside" Foreman - "What's so lucky about that?" Lucky Jim - Well, if it had done it two minutes earlier, it would have hit me right on the back of my neck!"

Two gays were having a Sunday morning sexual lie in. The one that was on top after ejaculating his sperm into his partners rear end said. "That was fantastic, Right you stay there and I'll go and and get us both a nice cup of coffee, and when I come back it will be your turn to inject your sperm into me, so don't go wasting it by masturbating, I know what your'e like" Before he went he said "Don't forget what I said, I want you to save all that lovely sperm for me" When he came back into the bedroom with a tray with two cups of coffee and a vase with a single rose in it, he dropped the tray in disgust when he noticed that there was sperm EVERYWHERE. "You bitch, you rotten bitch, I told you not to waste all your lovely sperm!" "I didn't" "So where's all that sperm come from then?" "I only farted!"

A 10 year old boy was going to stay with his grandparents in rural Scotland for the summer holidays. "Right" said mum, "I know what your like, you won't have a shower while your there so I'm going to make sure your clean before you go. Come and get in the shower with me" In the shower the boy noticed her mums pubic hairs. "What's that mum?" A very embarrassed mum replied "That's my rabbet" When the boy came back from his holiday at his grandparents his mum said "I hope you kept clean while you were there, did you have a shower?" To which the boy replied "I certainly did mum, by the way grans got a rabbet as well, but hers has been involved in an accident." "How do you know that" replied mum "Well, half it's guts were hanging out!" Second joke coming shortly

It should come out easy enough, but bear in mind there's a magnet inside the rotor so you might get some resistance. Sometimes aluminium does "stick" so a little gentle persuasion will help. If you get a bit of a gap at the top try to prise it open using a screwdriver but be gentle, although it's aluminium it's not eggshell.

Well done Antz. You couldn't have started at a better time of the year. Just be aware that as we are in a bit of a dry spell of weather when it does rain the roads will be slippery. Have fun

Cheers BWJ, That certainly did bring back memories, (not when I was born, I was so ugly the midwife slapped my mum!) But when I was a young matelot in the RN on my first ship HMS Triumph. I don't know if you have a favourite from him, but mine is "A boy called Sue" followed by "San Quinton"

Try giving the cover a few gentle taps with a lightweight plastic headed hammer. It usually works but dont be to hamfisted because it's aluminium.

Blonde housewife goes into local fish & chip shop. "Cod & chips twice please" "I'm ever so sorry" said the owner, "but were right out of cod, will anything else do?" "Oh dear," she said. "my husband insisted on cod & chips, I'd better go back and ask him if he wants anything else" Half an hour later she returns, when she gets to the front of the queue, she says, "Cod & chips twice please" Once again, the owner says. "I'm ever so sorry", "but were right out of cod, will anything else do?" "Oh dear," she said. "my husband insisted on cod & chips, I'd better go back and ask him if he wants anything else" Half an hour later she returns, when she gets to the front of the queue, she says, "Cod & chips twice please" "Right, Madam." "What do you get if you take the H away from Hake?" "ake" she replied. "What about if you took the H away from Haddock?" "addock" "Right, so what if you take away the F away from cod?" After thinking about this for a minute, she said. "There isn't any F in cod" "Great," said the owner, "That's what I've been trying to tell you all night!"

Me, my wife, son & daughter went to Bristol today to do a bit of shopping and have a meal out. As I started to cross the trumpet bridge I noticed an Eastern European woman sat down cross legged on the bridge with a baby in her arms rocking it side to side. I have always thought, "don't these babies ever get bigger?" When I got next to "her" I realised it was a bloke with a duffle bag rocking it side to side.

Cheers Pepperami, now I know who they are. I must say then, that the "power rangers" are the ones most likely to nod/raise hand. I find it's the two wheel cars (Honda Goldwings) that totally ignore me.

We appreciate your not being rude, maybe a little bit more decorum?

I think you will get more help if you introduce yourself and be a little bit more polite.

Cheers BWJ. Now I know what to look out for. Cant say I've seen any of them in rural Wiltshire though. On the same subject, when me and the other half were driving to the south coast I kept pulling over to the left to let bikers overtake, they, like me, would always say thanks by raising their left hand. On the way back when she was driving she did the same. She was so chuffed that she always does it now. So. A little politeness by us bikers really does go a long way.

Same here, I always nod to every biker. If I see more than three in a row I usually put my left hand up until the last one. One time I saw a bike cop coming towards me and wondered what to do, but he beat me to it and nodded, so I put the V's up at him. (only joking. I nodded back, and felt quite chuffed) By the way, what sort of bikers are Power Rangers?

Only a suggestion, but try swapping the spark plugs over and seeing if the other cylinder cuts out.

That's what I call the good old days. I even remember sitting down as a family in the front room in front of the coal fire on Sunday night watching "The Black & White Minstrel Show"

You can even cut your grass at night when all your neighbours are asleep.

That brings back memories of nearly forty years ago when visiting Faslane in my avitar.

I concur, Although I use my bike (xj600s) all the year round so the battery doesn't go flat. Even at 05:15 whatever the Jan/Feb weather chucked at me it started first time every time even though it is parked outside.

I'm sure theres some Gert Lush places down there. For anything to do with bikes visit Fowlers on the A4 two minutes from Temple Meads railway station.

We have all been on our best behavour. Ambassadors to the forum. There's no such expression as "while the cats away" here. Welcome back Miss

If it's a porn film, wouldn't a Bobbies Helmet be better?

Would you be stupid enough to eat? drink olive oil? It's only supposed to be used for cooking, and yes it is healthy for you. I would have thought that by me adding a lol face you would have realised that I was only jesting.

How? please explain.