drewpy

The fight between good and evil, an epic family battle: Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker. Suddenly in the middle of the fight, Darth Vader pulls Luke to him, and whispers: "I know what you're getting for christmas!" Luke exclaims, horrified: "But how??!?" "It's true Luke, *breathe* I know what you're getting for christmas." Luke tries to ignore this, but tears himself free, screaming "How could you know this?!" Vader replies, "I felt your presents."

It is around christmas time and Santa is sitting in the middle of the mall in his big holiday setup. He has a line of kids lined up to sit on his lap and tell him what they want for christmas. As the line dwindles down; a little 5 year old boy comes up and sits on santa's lap. Santa says to the little boy"I bet I know what you want for christmas". "I bet you want a puppy, P-U-P-P-Y"; touching the tip of the little boys nose with his finger after every letter of the word. The little boy responds "Nope". So santa again says"Then I bet you want a bike, B-I-K-E"; as he again touched the tip of the little boys nose with his finger. The little boy again said "Nope". Well santa's starting to get a little pissed off. So he thinks to himself that he'll try one more time. So he says to the little boy"I bet you want a fire engine, F-I-R-E E-N-G-I-N-E"; once again touching the tip of the little boys nose with his finger after every letter of the word. Where to the little boy responds "Nope". Well at this time santa's really pissed off. So he says to the little boy "Then what the fuck do you want for christmas"? The little boy then looked at santa and said "I want some pussy, P-U-S-S-Y; and don't fucking tell me that you can't get me any because I can smell it on the end of your finger!"

A family is eating christmas dinner and the son asks his dad how many kinds of boobs there are. Dad says, "son, a woman goes through three phases: in her 20s, they're like melons, round and firm; in her 30s to 40s, they're like pears, still nice, but hang a bit." "After 50 their like onions?" the boy says, "Yes," dad says, "you see them and they make you cry." This angers the wife and daughter, so the girl asks, "how many types of willies are there?" Mum says, "a man goes through three phases as well: in his 20s, it's like an oak tree, mighty and hard; in his 30s and 40s, it's like a birch tree, flexible but reliable; after 50 it's like a christmas tree." "Why" the girl asks Mum says, "it's dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."

During the christmas period a Channel 4 big-wig has proposed as a good will gesture to pay for a large house for homeless people, prostitutes, single mothers, etc. to live in and enjoy over the christmas period. It promises to be the best series of Big Brother yet.

Have you heard about the new line of Tampax with bells and tinsel? It's for the christmas period.

I always get my loved ones petrol-soaked fake moustaches for christmas. It's such a joy to watch their faces light up!

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mum was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the Door, and there was a little angel with a great big christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?" And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the christmas tree.

Please remember a doggy is not just for christmas. ...Its a bloody great postion all the year round!!

Last christmas I got some toy soldiers, To play with when I'm in bed, But I got bored with my seargents and majors, So I played with my privates instead.

What dooes Speedy Gonzalez use to lay his carpets? Underlay Underlay!!!! I think we should start that cracker joke thread again like last year!!...............

and a trumpet up yer arse!!

no we won't eat you.........yet!! (well goff might)

mr cheese

tighten the speedo cable up with pliers

very very nice, fancied one meself at 1 time!!!

SR 250 SE 80-83 full # you can put in here; http://www.motoverse.com/tools/vin/yamaha.asp

very good loved the facial

my bikes got auto cancel indicators not bad for a 30 year old bike the only training i did was ride the bike, ahh them were the days.................(laments back into slumber!!)

nice one, did anyone catch the programme on cable about the C1 motoGP bike, awesome machine and all built from scratch in 9 months phew!!

was into delta force 2 but too many "trainers" and the fun went out of it. got no time anymore.....yet!!!

cheers

My wife thinks it's cute when the baby throws up on me. But when it's the other way round, she gets all huffy and accuses me of being drunk!!!

Last week I dumped my girlfriend because she looks like a small pink mouse....... but now I'm starting to think that I've dropped a clanger.